Taking down “Ingredients Reclaimed” was not a happy task. The Mahan Gallery was a perfect setting for my artwork, and I wish the exhibit could have hung longer. Only sold one piece. Dana’s consolation: “It’s Danville.” I should dwell instead on all the good aspects of organizing this show and how positive the response has been, but it’s no fun to dismantle these things. That is just the way it is. Because the day was mild (the proverbial lamb?), I decided to prune the big bush by the northwest corner of the front porch. It gives me pleasure, but aggravates my sore right wrist. In the middle of completing my first new miniature of the month, as I write this entry, and I feel rusty for some reason. Evidently I have lost touch with my art, to a degree, after lots of computer work over the past weeks, even though I also have spent time studying my items on display at the Library. Sometimes I look at a collage that I have done and possess no clear recollection of making it. I need to use this month to connect with the process on a more profound level. For some reason, I get the notion that achieving this has much to do with the ingredients, and my approach to their selection. Keep thinking about that.
Archive for the ‘Angst’ Category
March Exercise IX ~ day one
Saturday, March 1st, 2014Mar/X Three
Sunday, March 3rd, 2013Haven’t even taken three sips of bean brew this morning and my mind is already galloping free. Is the world changing too fast or just caught in a bizarre status quo? The “news” out of DC is unbearable. Is anyone there capable of leadership or problem solving? Naive to even think that’s possible? Can’t tell anymore if things are going haywire or are carefully scripted. Corporations seem prepared to do almost anything in service to the bottom line (even Maker’s Mark tried to water down its Bourbon before a base of dedicated consumers took to pitchforks), and political whores seem willing to stop at nothing to erode what were once enduring freedoms. What is with this throwback to the roots of proto-fascist collectivism in the American body politic? Was the pendulum bound to swing, or is “my America” really slipping away? Perhaps it was an illusion, but I can’t let it go. Is there some way for me to incorporate my concerns into my art? Good question. Collage can be an ideal medium for social commentary, but it needs to be done with careful, nuanced thought. Not sure if I am the best guy to tackle it, or if I even want to, but I know that I should not reject the idea just because it would be more difficult than what I’m currently creating. No doubt that I could bring all the same aesthetic considerations to bear, but it would be a much deeper conceptual challenge. And, sadly, I do fret about producing work that has no market value (probably the most stupid worry in which a creative person can indulge and still purport to call oneself a modern artist).
Self-imposed deer hunting marathon
Tuesday, November 20th, 2012Day One — Friday
A spike-head buck came down from Widow’s Knob behind me and took off back into the woods when I turned to get a look. I should have been more patient. Later, a doe came across Safariland from Robin Lick in my direction, and it seemed to be staring directly at me. When it turned slightly, I put the cross-hairs on and fired. She promptly pranced right back down into the thicket by the creek. Did I miss? After a 90-minute search with no blood sighted, I concluded that I had indeed. When I got back to the barnyard I decided to test fire my rifle in the silo field. From about a hundred yards, I didn’t hit the target area at all using the scope, but came within 2 inches of my bulls-eye with iron sights. That explains it. Lesson learned: don’t assume the scope is still zeroed in from the previous season. That evening I found a great spot near the borderline wash on the Brush Creek side of the tree tunnel. The only deer I saw came crashing down the gully at a full run, chased by three dogs. My luck was still cold.
Day Two — Saturday
Back at the wash, I saw one deer of decent size at Bottle Neck, but it was crossing fast enough to prevent a clean shot. That was it for the morning. That evening I was skunked back at Safariland. Tony came driving through with his ATV trailer about dusk, turned around, and left, waving to me. I didn’t wave back. Hey, if you are not going to hunt, then stay out of the Valley when others are waiting to spot a deer. I think he just drives around and drinks if he isn’t hunting.
Day Three — Sunday
I did not see a deer the entire day, and it feels like I have no more good joss in this valley. I set up at daybreak beyond Blue Bank, at the entrance to the long hay field, because Susan told me that multiple deer had been sighted along their lane, even at mid-day. Later in the morning, I worked the area near the collapsed tobacco barn, and went back out after noon for an hour or so, but no luck. It was back to the wash before sundown, the last place I had made a sighting. There is a certain sound of a deer moving through the woodland bed of dry leaves that gets my heart beating faster. It’s different than the sound of a squirrel, which is a series of abrupt rustles, rather than a more continuous brushing, punctuated with tree-branch cracks. That doesn’t mean a squirrel sound won’t occasionally bump the adrenaline; it’s an unconscious response. At one point, a squirrel ran down a fallen tree and nearly ended up at arm’s reach before it saw me. And then it began barking and hissing at me like I’ve never heard before. Well, at least I knew I had reasonably good concealment, but that was it for the session. Darkness was gaining on me, and I doubted a deer would now proceed into such a noisy scolding zone.
Day Four — Monday
At first light I headed back to the location I had mishandled on Friday, since it had offered the most action of the hunt so far. I discovered another good spot to view the expanse of Safariland, but there was no sign of deer all morning. I decided to climb up to the flat of Widow’s Knob. I got to see one deer when I startled it from its resting place, but, as usual, I don’t get a shot opportunity when that happens. I guess I just wanted to see if one was up there again, near where Marty and I once camped, like there was last month, when I was carrying my muzzle-loader. Finished the four-day hunt back at the Realm of Greystone, and was sad to lose the light without a sighting. Well, I’m a “next-time guy.” See you in December.
March-Ex VI: sought art on day eleven
Sunday, March 11th, 2012“I could see no reason why used tram tickets, bits of driftwood, buttons, and old junk from attics and rubbish heaps should not serve well as materials for paintings; they suited the purpose just as well as factory-made paints.”
—Kurt Schwitters
The matrix is abandoned. Is it March or not? Dana and I traveled to Louisville to see a group collage exhibition at Hard Scuffle Gallery. One of the most satisfying opening receptions I have ever attended. Caitlan and Kyle walked over to join us, and we presented our congratulations gift to him—the unusual ceramic cast by Igor. Bob and Meg attended and wanted to have dinner with us. My intention was to make it back to the farm for Mission: Madness, but the schedule went to pieces. I really hated to stand up my Pal-zee. It was a joy to re-connect with these friends. We are all at the age when it becomes a challenge to maintain the continuity of our self-employment and stability, but each of us does our part to navigate the waters with purpose and a semblance of dignity. Schwitters was the great example of always moving on to the next thing in the face of adversity, yet preserving a dedication to his unifying artistic vision. Would he disdain my current fixation on his “style?” Most likely. But an artist must absorb all one can from influences, modify one’s own creative code in the process, and venture on toward greater individuality. Bert Cooper said, “Get on with it!”
To Pay Paul
March-Ex VI: faced anxiety on day nine
Friday, March 9th, 2012“I think I grew in different ways—just that it didn’t break me, I didn’t really just quit. There were moments when I was definitely close.”
—Taylor Kitsch
Dana told me, “Just remember, these are your friends, and they want you to do well.” With that helpful suggestion, I finalized my PowerPoint presentation and headed out to address the club that I’d quit nearly three years ago. It’s funny how nagging insecurities and self-doubt can get in the way of achieving a straightforward goal. I decided to do this. I knew I was fully knowledgeable and capable of pulling it off. And yet, somehow, the lead-up was all about overcoming the fear of failure. The ability to perform is in my bones, I guess, but speaking in public has never come easy for me. I thought to myself, whatever you’re dealing with, there is nobody more on pins and needles today than young Taylor Kitsch. So I picked up the microphone, smiled, said, “Thank you, Danville Rotary!” and shared my passion for bicycling. John Carter ordered, “Get on!”
A Cult of One
March-Ex VI: pondered ruin on day two
Friday, March 2nd, 2012“Then the gates of hell opened up.”
—an unidentified Indiana dispatcher“It was beautiful. And now it’s just gone. I mean, gone.”
—Andy Bell, Henryville
A huge battery of storm cells on a forced march across the Midwest left decimation and loss of life behind it in Kentucky. I felt uneasy leaving home to play cards with friends, especially after an exhausting push to complete another presentation for the music CD graphics. Archibald Whitman scoffed, “Look at your hands.”
Maelstrom
Pray For Japan
Monday, March 14th, 2011
March Exercise —day fourteen— Needless to say, there’s been a hazy layer of melancholy over my year, but nothing about it can compare to what so many souls across Japan have been forced to endure since last week. With no cable news feed, I can’t say I’ve spent any time with live coverage. Nevertheless, I’ve watched enough video to feel sick over the heartbreaking developments, and no self-respecting crashologist can fail to recognize how abruptly this type of disaster could befall any of us. We are more accustomed to appraising the aftermath of nature’s fury in less-advanced, relatively unsophisticated places. There’s something about seeing this devastation visited upon such a meticulous, aesthetically refined culture that rips deeper into my sense of well-being. When we were little, we would block up the creek or the pond overflow, build little villages out of sticks in the channel, and then release the water to see the miniature dwellings swept away. The boyhood pleasure we would derive from such activities comes back to haunt me now. Is some unseen cosmic juvenile at play with our little wet rock, or must we accept that each of us is merely a scintilla of this devilish lad—one of the billions of tiny cells that make up this singularly inept planetary steward?
Today’s sight bite— The swirling, gargantuan black mass oozing over everything in its path —c-l-i-c-k— as terrified observers cry helplessly, yet continue to point their video cameras at the unthinkable.
Tomorrow— The annual regime is nearly half over . . .
Year-Old Roof
Thursday, March 10th, 2011
March Exercise —day ten— Another day of rain, but my mind is drifting back almost a year to when we replaced our roof here at the Town House, or, I should say, after we replaced it. I arose from a fretful sleep and could see out the bathroom window that it was raining. A familiar distress clutched at my gut, and I prepared myself to climb up into the attic to check on my array of buckets and plastic sheets. And then, for the first time in years, I reacted to the knowledge that it was just a bit of welcome rain, that there were no more roof leaks to magnify the stress that had accompanied any amount of precipitation. Everything was fine. I could go back to sleep without worry. Through most of my life I have enjoyed the rain—being out in it, just hearing and smelling it. What a comfort to think it could be like that again!
Today’s sight bite— Sidewalk puddles energized with a steady drizzle —c-l-i-c-k— is enough to convince me that my walk to campus can wait until tomorrow.
Tomorrow— Our date postponed . . .
Enchantment of Earth
Thursday, March 3rd, 2011
March Exercise —day three— Morning flew away and my scheduled swim was on top of me before I knew it. College staffers were creating a stone perimeter in front of the pool building for what looked to become a flower bed around the sign. Seeing the men at work out of doors with gardening tools sent a low jolt of some unknown stimulant through my system that triggered preposterous musings about what might have been, had I chucked my day job years ago and become a landscaper. It brought to mind the words of my cousin Dan, when he informed me by email that he’d acquired rural acreage in Ohio: “I think the urges I’m having now were evident in your father when I was a kid, and my father and brother now. I don’t know why I so desperately want to have land that I control, and to provide food to my family and neighbors….but I do.” There is something profoundly misguided about my having had decades of access to one of the most tranquil of Kentucky’s natural havens and, so far, having squandered the opportunity to fulfill that same genetic compulsion. God help me.
Today’s sight bite— Hand-worn rakes sifting through clods of black soil —c-l-i-c-k— as landscapers prepare a new planter at the natatorium.
Tomorrow— An evening with compassionate friends . . .
Elusive speculations
Monday, December 27th, 2010I need to do another entry about VT, now that my direct work with a therapist is over. I should have kept up a more regular account, since now it will be more difficult to reconstruct a coherent record of the experience. I was thinking about how, after a rough session, I had what seemed to be a moment of broad clarity. For me, these occurrences consist of distinct interconnections and apparent cause/effect relationships with respect to aspects of life not previously associated in my thinking. Sometimes these connections fade to the point where the entire insight can be called into question, and I’m left with a vague sense that my inner mental acuity is as unreliable as my memory. This time it was an electric thought that perhaps my vision dysfunction was directly related to a latent but powerful level of stress that has derived from my creativity having been held up to the continual scrutiny and subjective evaluation of others. “Well, of course,” one might say. How can one become a mature creative person, much less a professional resource, if one doesn’t learn to cope with either the legitimate opinions or capricious expectations of others? And so it becomes a matter of attitude or inner posture. If the inherent tension is not successfully mitigated at an unconscious level, it’s quite possible that there will be corrosive influences and negative consequences in the organism. I was left with a brief, troubling notion that “most of my creative life has been wasted,” because I hadn’t nourished a stance optimally detached from any sanction or disapproval from others. Has the failure to properly offset personal fulfillment with the satisfaction of others created a fundamental contradiction at the heart of what I do that induces and maintains deep internal stress? Am I the kind of individual with such a basic urge to follow my artistic impulse that a life of constraint based on the anticipation of external judgment has resulted in some form of rebellion by my body, mind, or spirit? And, if so, what in heaven’s name can be done about it now?
Impecunious periphery
Friday, March 26th, 2010March Exercise V —day twenty-six— While spending hours alone in the studio, there’s probably nothing better than the framework of a March discipline to put things into perspective, because the backdrop of inexorable dependencies are certain to impinge upon the solitude of the day, and, eventually, they do. One can’t help but imagine another type of life, but that’s a pointless distraction. This is my ship, and, with the Creator’s guidance, I shall sail her as best I can.
Today’s sight bite— Globules of amber, blue-violet, and magenta —c-l-i-c-k— as late sunlight projects a pattern of Time Zippy against the rotunda’s white interior.
Previously on M-Ex— Uncle Joe’s final ordeal is at hand. (3/26/06)
Tomorrow— A spring weekend begins!
Nagging thumbkin
Thursday, March 25th, 2010March Exercise V —day twenty-five— I continued to have difficulty with my “phantom thumb” exercise, so I called Mary Ellen to consult. She told me to just set it aside for now and not to fret about it. I suddenly realized how many other things I’d allowed myself to make an object of daily worry, pondering the connection between stress and vision problems. It seemed a good time to walk over to the Community Art Center with Dana and tour the dinosaur exhibit. We saw Nathan M and he offered to provide us the list of economic development conferees. Later, I sipped a cold Leinenkugel and watched the Wildcats secure their spot in the “elite 8.”
Today’s sight bite— Phosphorescent streaks and random geometric perfections —c-l-i-c-k— convincing me that exotic minerals are more fascinating to my current imagination than extinct reptiles.
Previously on M-Ex— It’s a madhouse! (3/25/07)
Tomorrow— Flying solo in the studio . . .
Fixed mundanity
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010March Exercise V —day twenty-four— I was burnt toast after my 22-miler tonight, making me painfully conscious of my sedentary occupation. But it’s March, when my bicycle legs are rudely punished until I can take 30 miles in stride, with a couple of knobs thrown in for good measure.
Today’s sight bite— Was that the familiar green and brown bag? —c-l-i-c-k— In the ditch? There’s another one! —c-l-i-c-k— My package design for livestock feed appearing as a huge item of roadside litter reminds me that I have chosen to spend much of my life creating trivial ephemera.
Previously on M-Ex— Conservation of energy—more secrets are revealed through focused awareness. (3/24/06)
Tomorrow— Dinosaurs!
Elusive calm
Monday, March 22nd, 2010March Exercise V —day twenty-two— After my tenth round of vision therapy, the balance of the day felt like a refutation of the popular fallacy called “multitasking.” I had little tolerance for more than one activity, train of thought, or sensory stimulus at a time. I accept that one is responsible for one’s own serenity, but there are times when I think that peace and quiet are the scarcest commodities. Tonight is one of those times, after having found a kindred spirit in the author of this remarkable blog. Two years ago she posted a picture of a Minnesota scene identical to the one I viewed from the Bluegrass Parkway this morning.
Today’s sight bite— Twin silos against an amber-pink burst of luminosity —c-l-i-c-k— as day breaks over a landscape carved by the Kentucky River.
Previously on M-Ex— March is for going a little bit “kook.” (3/22/07)
Tomorrow— Executing fleet graphics for a client…
Beyond sorrow
Friday, March 19th, 2010March Exercise V —day nineteen— We finally “pulled the trigger” and hired a roofer, ending years of distress that stemmed from our inability to afford the kind of roof we truly wanted. Someday, perhaps, this bungalow will once again wear a clay tile roof, as it did in the 1920s, but, sadly, we won’t be the ones to provide it. We can’t even swing the metal simulation, so we’ll do the best thing we can— restore the original terracotta color with a premium asphalt shingle. We’re tired of the indecision and just can’t attempt another rainy season with buckets throughout the attic. It’s time to press on.
Today’s sight bite— Low shafts of morning light —c-l-i-c-k— as they wrap around the ancient maple’s gnarled bark.
Previously on M-Ex— Our favorite hoops-gril finishes her high school career. (3/19/09)
Tomorrow— Our first visit to the Kentucky Artisan Center…
Friday, March 12th, 2010
The inertia is gone. Something is trying to bring me down. All I wanted was a warm, quiet day, but ended up outside, dealing with two different crews that stopped by to discuss a roofing estimate. And now I’m wilting fast and battling thoughts of defeat…
Negative splits
Monday, March 1st, 2010March Exercise V —day one— After a fantastic weekend packed with friendship, today began with a mood of glum dissatisfaction because the initial cadence of my regimen left something to be desired. By afternoon my attitude had shifted, and I found myself in a mode more characteristic of my best 5k-run experiences: start out with a comfortable pace and successfully pick up speed. In the running world it’s called negative splits. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?
Today’s sight bite— Concentric rings of vivid vessels suspended overhead —c-l-i-c-k— with each globe of pure color reflecting the terrazzo compass at my feet.
Previously on M-Ex— With a few finishing touches, “Spellbound By Brass” is complete. (3/1/07)
Tomorrow— Seventh vision therapy session…
A Visual Journey — chapter the second
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010A strabismic’s eyes are not aimed at the same point in space. The difference between the left- and right-eye views is too great for the brain to combine the images into a single picture. A person with non-aligned eyes is confronted with a serious perceptual problem; she must somehow create a single, coherent worldview from conflicting input from the two eyes. To solve this problem, many strabismics suppress the information from one eye and look through the other. Some always use the same eye, while others continually switch between the two eyes, but in either case, they may never see normally through the two eyes together. As a result, most strabismics have reduced or absent stereovision.
— Susan R. Barry, Fixing my Gaze
Spending time with the View-Master as a child was a deeply moving experience. But, after all, it was just a toy, and I was embarrassed enough about my strong emotional responses that I kept them to myself. I recall being so affected by the Flash Gordon reel that knowing there was a finite limit of images nearly brought me to tears. What was it about seeing those 3D impressions that was so profound? Was it because my natural depth perception was already deficient or in decline? I knew I wasn’t very good at hitting or catching a ball. Did I simply lack an athletic reflex, or could it have had more to do with an inability to place objects in space, a known characteristic of monocular vision? How flat has my world been all along?
Yesterday I went to the Vision and Learning Center for a battery of diagnostics that measured and benchmarked the current state of the eye disorder. I’m starting to get more comfortable with phrases like a) Vertical Strabismus (eyeballs out of alignment), b) Oculomotor Pursuits (something to do with how cognitive function enables the eye to move smoothly), and c) Binocular Fusional Disfunction (inability of brain neurons to coordinate dual-eye vision). Actually, it’s wrong to think of it as an eye problem. A “brain glitch” is probably a more accurate way to understand it. Some of the tests seemed ridiculously easy, while others were very difficult and exhausting for me to perform. At the end of my session came a discussion about the details of therapy, timetable, and costs. Once-a-week sessions at the Center for 30 consecutive weeks, plus daily home practice, 30 minutes minimum. For some reason, I wasn’t expecting such a long program, and the sticker price knocked me for a loop. I left with doubts about whether I could take on the economic commitment, even though I knew I had enough discipline to make the approach work. Dana and I had a long discussion. We kept arriving at the same conclusion: I simply had to get this fixed, and somehow we would manage our finances to pay for it out of pocket.
Support and resistance
Friday, October 30th, 2009“The chief cause of stress is reality.”
~ Lily Tomlin
It’s hard to accept that nearly three weeks have flown by since Dana and I were traveling to North Carolina, bearing the brunt of a devastating tempest that left 35 homes “unlivable” in Casey County (based on information I learned through the Salvation Army). Since that stormy day I had two wonderful weekends with family at both Broadwing and Blue Bank Farms. Carol and Bob are as youthful as ever and at the pinnacle of insight. Shame on me for taking five years to make a return visit. I was delighted to see how they had displayed my drawing of the old barn, and Pete showed off my pen and ink sketch of the Vulcan stove from their early years above the French Broad. I couldn’t help but contemplate the decline in my sketchbook activity over the past year. During my two days at the Hall, I made an attempt to complete work on the rock flue, but ran into mortar problems again while battling Panyon’s tool thievery. My “Son of Dirk Man” character was a bit of a flop, compared to Jay’s Pappy, Mombo’s Rufus, and Clay’s Donkey Kong. Nevertheless, the day was noteworthy for the revival of our Clan Hayride—a “harvest jamboree,” as Joan called it—and also for her tip about Pandora.com. The Council voted to commission an illustrated map of Clan Valley. Wow, how do I come up with an estimate for that? (Lord, help me finish it quicker than my stone masonry!) Dana called me from town to break the news that our friend Irina had been discovered lifeless, the apparent victim of a heart attack. She was a year younger than me! It took four or five days for me to grasp the finality of losing her awesome talent. Early Sunday morning I decided to tote my Hawken-style 50-caliber down the Valley in search of venison. The ache of a gifted comrade’s passing was on my heart when treetops dipped to let the sun pour its precious gold into our beloved hollow. The goal of hunting for meat dissolved abruptly to a deep reverence for the beauty of our rural legacy and my gratitude for life. When I got up to move farther along the road, something caught the corner of my eye. Four good sized does were now moving purposefully across the hay field. Before I could swing my muzzleloader into play, all were into the wooded drainage. If I’d only lingered a minute more, I probably could have had my pick. The following days were tainted with sorrow, but the request to create Irina’s memorial keepsake helped me channel my emotion, although, sadly, the local printer once again seized the opportunity to complain about our predicable attention to detail. By week’s end, the fabulous distraction of sharing Rick H’s 50th birthday celebration was trumped by the news of Glenda’s bizarre mishap at the Haunted House, which resulted in her breaking four back bones. And this comes on top of her and Jay dealing with the aftermath of burst plumbing and extensive damage to their newly remodeled home. The Graybeard Prospector had the second of two successful networking sessions in Lancaster, and Sunday Silence at Simpson Knob was another welcome break, but the heightened oscillation of desirable and undesirable happenings is becoming too strange. All I want to do is immerse myself in the upcoming wood engraving workshop at Larkspur and try to take myself back to a point of quiet equilibrium. Well then, load the truck and go!
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
A new moon . . .
There are times when it seems as though I’ve inadvertently booked crossing on a brig named Pathos. Perhaps it was the only available passage from then to when. If so, I endeavor to accept my berth, on this rolling sea of unknown breadth.
Ripe thoughts
Saturday, March 14th, 2009March exercise—day fourteen— It’s a rule of thumb that it will rain whenever I need to deliver physical artwork, but I managed satisfactorily to get a new set of engravings over to the Art Center and also had my first chat with the incoming executive director. So, if you need it to rain in your town, just arrange a display of my artwork and that should take care of it. Not you, Brendan; I’m quite sure you get enough precipitation out there, although it would be cool to have some of my art make it to the west coast. I get ideas like that, but there’s often not a lot to back them up. Maybe I missed my chance when I was churning out some interesting collages while Ian was in L.A. Many ideas are fresh and I get right to them. Others hang around so long they become annoying, until I realize it’s me at whom I’m perturbed, for allowing them to rot, or, worse than that, I get sick and tired of chattering about them in my head without any action. Ideas like that are usually disavowed, or I just get fed up and finally proceed with one, invariably pushing away another newer, more stimulating notion that just stands there listening to the other one grumble, “Move aside, buster, I’ve got seniority.”
Today’s sight bite— A black and white print in a plastic holder on the wall, somehow seeming tiny and drab —c-l-i-c-k— but that’s my engraving featured next to the gift shop’s doorway.
Tomorrow— Avoid the lure of Sunday languor and prepare for an ambitious workweek…
Musculoskeletal setback
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009March exercise—day three— (Dear Back, You picked a great time to act up again. Please knock it off and return my mobility. Your friend, John.) The probable result of a 24-hour dose of stress, my lower back has treated me with an unexpected spasm when I bent over to work on a snarl of power cords. Bruce is doing slightly better after they moved a dialysis unit into his ICU chamber, but he still doesn’t recognize his visitors. Mombo sent out a nice prayer request.
Today’s sight bite— The high-resolution digital television picture —c-l-i-c-k— that is a result of solid professional know-how.
Tomorrow— I have absolutely no idea what Wednesday will bring…