Don’t let yourself get bogged down in the mediocrity of this institution
When Dr. Apple said that my freshman year of college, he was talking about G-town, not Oxford. But I think it can be applied in a wider sense, maybe just to the world in general sometimes. I always thought that was a great quote, and was determined to follow it when he said it, but I think maybe I’ve failed. Or at least lately I have.
I was talking to Kyle earlier, and I told him I was tired of trying to be the best at everything. I’ve done that forever, and I just want to allow myself to not study and tell myself it’s okay. If I study a decent amount, I’ll do decently on my exams here. And that should be enough. Then I don’t have to worry about my best not being good enough. If I don’t try my hardest, then I’m safe because with a 2:1 or 2:2, I can still think well if I had tried harder, I might have been able to get a first. But if I try my hardest and still don’t get a first, then I’ll be really disappointed and depressed. Kyle didn’t agree. He said I should try my hardest, and then I can say, well I did my best, and that’s all I can expect of myself. His reasoning sounds better, I guess. And I was writing to Dr. Hadaway, trying to justify myself when that quote from Dr. Apple popped into my head. And I realized maybe Kyle was right. Except now it may be too late. I may have given up my chance of getting a first already because there’s just not enough time to study the amount I would need to to get a first. And maybe it’s too late because I’ve already let myself be bogged down in mediocrity. And I’ve lost my motivation.
So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m capable of studying from 9 am to 9 pm like some kids do here. I feel like other things are more important. I don’t want to stress myself out and make myself sick. I’ve already gotten one degree. I’ll get a degree from Oxford, even if it’s not a first. I need a job. I have loans to pay back. I want to have a normal life where I live in one place for more than 2 months at a time, where I have all my clothes and shoes with me in one place, so I don’t have to keep making the same outfits with my standard 7 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, and 2 pairs of shoes. But maybe that’s not the important stuff. Maybe it is doing well and knowing I’ve put my best foot forward and making sure I don’t regret not trying my hardest. I don’t know. I guess maybe I should stop wasting my time thinking about it and be productive and study. The more I think about it, the more I think Kyle’s right, even though I don’t want him to be.