†
Clarence Gels
1 9 0 8 – 2 0 1 1
my uncle
and inspiration
R I P
New Trails Committee
April 26th, 2011It’s taken years of behind-the-scenes activity by me and others, but the local authorities have finally put their stamp on a committee dedicated exclusively to creating a master plan for bicyclist-pedestrian facilities and a coherent network of lanes and shared-use paths. I’ve been asked to serve on the group, and we have our second meeting tonight. For the first time, I can participate as a supporting player in this effort, rather than have everyone looking to me as the catalyst.
Shoot, Munch, Quaff
March 22nd, 2011
One of the highlights of each year has become my participation in the traditional British Single-Shot Sporting Rifle Match held at Simpson Range. In the busy lead-up to this annual event, I clearly lost interest in a daily log entry for the March Exercise, so now I’ll just focus on applying for the rest of the month my regimen for self discovery, putting aside the blogging ritual. The combination of friendship, hospitality, competition, precision activity, history, fine food, and the joy of life make for a unique weekend that holds a place in my heart to rival September in the Les Cheneaux and our quarterly Clan gatherings. I am a privileged man to have gained access to touchstones of authenticity such as these. John O’Donohue said that “the duty of privilege is absolute integrity.” There’s my food for today’s thought.
Buds For Yu
March 16th, 2011
March Exercise —day sixteen— I got a project back on the rails and completed today after an unforeseen production delay, and the client was pleased enough to use an exclamation point in his email—a first. Hey, I’ll take whatever small bits of encouragement I can scrounge, because “it ain’t getting any easier out here.” Conditions were still chilly when I trekked over to campus for my laps, but when I headed back home, the cloud cover was breaking up and the air was calm and noticeably milder. The weatherman is hanging his hat on Spring-like conditions this weekend, and they can’t arrive any time too soon. I noticed that the Japanese-style magnolias were fully budded and ready to “bust out.” I thought of my friend from Japan, Yu, my former endurance-running partner, who loved to see those tulips bloom overhead each cycle. I lost touch with him a few years after he returned home, and now I wonder how he and his family are doing in the midst of the crisis. It seems everyone has some friends or family on those islands. The events so far are bad enough, so we can only pray that the worst is over. If not, we are about to witness one of the most disastrous outcomes we shall ever remember.
Today’s sight bite— Tulip tree blossoms, eager to unfold —c-l-i-c-k— as soon as conditions say, “Open. Open.”
Tomorrow— Hold onto your breath, hold onto your heart, hold onto your hope . . .
Ides of Pooch
March 15th, 2011
March Exercise —day fifteen— Spent most of the day with interactive classwork on the Web. Can’t believe how quickly the hours pass when I immerse myself like this. KET replays Charlie Rose at noon, which makes for a convenient lunch in front of the tube, if I don’t swim laps. It was another hour devoted to the NYT guys who write about emerging personal technology, and that means they talk mostly about the newest Apple products. I don’t really lust after that stuff if I don’t pay attention, but how can I not pay attention? I can’t seem to put my finger on it yet, but there’s something vitally important about these advances that directly affect my future as a creative person.
Today’s sight bite— A pit bull, brownish lab, gray shih-tzu, and some sort of Jack Russell-chihuahua mix —c-l-i-c-k-e-t-y-c-l-i-c-k— were among the assortment of canines sparked into animation by my brisk town walk this evening.
Tomorrow— Perhaps the warm sun will be back . . .
Pray For Japan
March 14th, 2011
March Exercise —day fourteen— Needless to say, there’s been a hazy layer of melancholy over my year, but nothing about it can compare to what so many souls across Japan have been forced to endure since last week. With no cable news feed, I can’t say I’ve spent any time with live coverage. Nevertheless, I’ve watched enough video to feel sick over the heartbreaking developments, and no self-respecting crashologist can fail to recognize how abruptly this type of disaster could befall any of us. We are more accustomed to appraising the aftermath of nature’s fury in less-advanced, relatively unsophisticated places. There’s something about seeing this devastation visited upon such a meticulous, aesthetically refined culture that rips deeper into my sense of well-being. When we were little, we would block up the creek or the pond overflow, build little villages out of sticks in the channel, and then release the water to see the miniature dwellings swept away. The boyhood pleasure we would derive from such activities comes back to haunt me now. Is some unseen cosmic juvenile at play with our little wet rock, or must we accept that each of us is merely a scintilla of this devilish lad—one of the billions of tiny cells that make up this singularly inept planetary steward?
Today’s sight bite— The swirling, gargantuan black mass oozing over everything in its path —c-l-i-c-k— as terrified observers cry helplessly, yet continue to point their video cameras at the unthinkable.
Tomorrow— The annual regime is nearly half over . . .
Ambushed By Sorrow
March 13th, 2011
March Exercise —day thirteen— It turned out to be a rough day for both of us, but especially for Dana. It had little to do with externals. It was just one of those days that keep rising to the surface in a long process of managing grief. We spent the bulk of our time at David and Lee’s cabin, helping them prepare for the rifle competition next Saturday. Dana and Lee worked on separate tasks. David and I took on a big two-man job and also fit in a little practice on the range. We left in time to get to Blue Bank for what was to be the first Mission: Madness, a ritualized screening of the entire seven-year run of Mission: Impossible. Because of my scheduling error, we arrived at an “empty” valley. Seeing the grave site, untouched since January, was enough to induce a fresh wave of sadness. We were unable to cope by plunging into the distraction of our planned episode-viewing shindig. The evening wound down from there, although I was able to complete my driveway hedge clipping and commence the spring pruning of the front-yard bushes. Even if I go about my own business, I believe we can still sense one another’s emotion. We ended up streaming an enjoyable movie, but, to be honest, we don’t really salvage these occurrences. We just ride them out and set our sights on the following day.
Today’s sight bite— Small steel targets in sun-dappled woodlands, —c-l-i-c-k— surprisingly crisp to the eye above my familiar sites.
Tomorrow— Back to the studio grind . . .
The Human Condition
March 12th, 2011
March Exercise —day twelve— Thematically, the best motion pictures often can be summed up in one word: Determination. Togetherness. Manipulation. Fortitude. Delusion. And, with the film that took the Oscar— Friendship. At least, that’s what I took away from The King’s Speech last night. Both men, in entirely different ways, put everything on the line in loyalty to their deepening friendship. Is it the highest form of love? I don’t know. Perhaps. There can be true love without friendship, but never true friendship without love. For some reason, it calls to mind the story of the split that took place between my Dad and a man that was his neighbor when I was a child. When we moved away and my Dad’s life became even more complicated, this man gave him an ultimatum. He’d had enough of making the trip to visit my Dad if the effort was not reciprocated. An impasse. My Dad was raising seven kids that he expected to be college bound. He was married. He was fighting the Cold War at work. His friend was retired, divorced, with a grown daughter. Nobody knows the actual words exchanged, but it resulted in my Dad’s decision. Something like, “If that’s the way you feel, then don’t come back.” He never did. I’ve always seen it as a clash of incompatible viewpoints. “If you were a true friend, you would make time for me. You would want to be fair, and to preserve the bond we have.” “If you were a true friend, you would appreciate my life and not make demands. You would not keep score.” Naturally, I saw it Dadbo’s way. He had other friends who went the extra mile. In turn, he was generous and loyal to them until each went to his grave. For me, the two most fascinating questions in the human condition: What is unconditional love? What is true friendship?
Today’s sight bite— The huge crow, sitting on the street lamp bulb —c-l-i-c-k— and scolding me with his imperious “Haw! Haw!”
Tomorrow— Rifle match preparation, topped off with pure escapism . . .
First Date Day
March 11th, 2011
March Exercise —day eleven— Something had me out of bed and down the street to the soccer field before daybreak, and it felt different than the prevailing energy of the regimen so far. Perhaps it was watching that “Wilderness” guy on KET last night, building by hand his cabin of spruce logs above an Alaskan lake. The brisk air actually felt pleasant, which is a good sign that my exasperation with winter cold has turned a corner. Later, I was glad I’d shifted my swim time from yesterday, otherwise I’d probably not have run into Mike N on campus. Another thing postponed to tonight was the dinner-and-a-movie to celebrate 33 years since our first date. We couldn’t think of anything more enjoyable than having a Japanese meal and seeing The King’s Speech.
Today’s sight bite— An amazing facial chord of sadness, fear, and determination on the big screen —c-l-i-c-k— in one of the past year’s great acting performances.
Tomorrow— The joy of pruning . . .
Year-Old Roof
March 10th, 2011
March Exercise —day ten— Another day of rain, but my mind is drifting back almost a year to when we replaced our roof here at the Town House, or, I should say, after we replaced it. I arose from a fretful sleep and could see out the bathroom window that it was raining. A familiar distress clutched at my gut, and I prepared myself to climb up into the attic to check on my array of buckets and plastic sheets. And then, for the first time in years, I reacted to the knowledge that it was just a bit of welcome rain, that there were no more roof leaks to magnify the stress that had accompanied any amount of precipitation. Everything was fine. I could go back to sleep without worry. Through most of my life I have enjoyed the rain—being out in it, just hearing and smelling it. What a comfort to think it could be like that again!
Today’s sight bite— Sidewalk puddles energized with a steady drizzle —c-l-i-c-k— is enough to convince me that my walk to campus can wait until tomorrow.
Tomorrow— Our date postponed . . .
The New Cheese
March 9th, 2011
March Exercise —day nine— There is much for me to learn about adapting to the evolving field of graphic design. I simply don’t know yet what it will be like to make a living as a designer during this decade of the twenty-teens. I’ve given most of my creative life to that profession. There are things that I will do to keep pace with changes in the communication arts, but there are other things that I will watch pass by, with no intent to chase. On the other hand, I’ve determined to accept the challenge of learning entirely new skills and frames of reference for an emerging phase of life. I’m not prepared to disclose more about this now, but suffice it to say that I’m currently a couple years into a learning curve that will enable me to generate income in a completely different way. It’s something of which I’ve always been capable, and in which I’ve always held a strong interest, but advances in technology now make it feasible for me to follow my enthusiasm for developing such a new kind of expertise. I should be able to apply these new skills in earnest by the time I turn 60 years old. I expect it to become a vital part of my work-style into later years, and, when fully successful, to provide new levels of creative freedom. In actuality, there is no summer and autumn of life. There is only the promise of perpetual springtime.
Today’s sight bite— The brave blooms of March —c-l-i-c-k— that rear their purple heads when nothing else looks like spring.
Tomorrow— An important observance . . .
Geekhood or Else
March 8th, 2011
March Exercise —day eight— When your “cheese” has been moved, it often takes time before disbelief gives way to action, but unconscious denial is complex, and it peels off in layers like sunburned skin. I’ve been slower to adjust in some areas and quicker to respond in others. The core aspects of being a graphic communicator were disseminated into lay culture in such a gradient way that it was too easy for me to believe that people still valued the basic skill set. Which services a customer might now consistently look to the professional to achieve is increasingly more difficult for me to identify. For over 30 years we have scrupulously avoided working “from the hands down,” convincing ourselves that what clients really wanted were concepts. But now that nearly anyone can quickly execute one’s own ideas in an adequate fashion, I’m beginning to think that what most of them desired all along was someone fluent in an esoteric technical process beyond their ken. Question: What shall I do, now that producing graphics is no longer mysterious?
Today’s sight bite— The shapes, colors, and textures of downtown, —c-l-i-c-k— ready to shake off drab winter and preside over another season of human activity.
Tomorrow— Publication design continues to be the counterbrace of my life as a functioning designer . . .
My Cheese Moved
March 7th, 2011
March Exercise —day seven— During the worst of our deep sadness, as I stepped back from a chasm of self-pity, I reached out to my brother, James. He listened, assessed, and loaned me a copy of a tiny book with an odd title: Who Moved My Cheese? The message is simple, but not simplistic, and its thought-provoking theme makes me think more about the true nature of change in our lives. It takes me back to a time when radical change was the norm, and I considered it my friend. One of my greatest blessings is knowing my brothers have my back, and no one has it more than my first best friend. I like what his daughter Rita said about him not that long ago: “The thing I admire most in anyone is my dad’s ability to weigh any situation and give the most level headed advice and explanations in an inspirational way—whether we are talking running, work, school, life, family, friendships—even love!”
Today’s sight bite— Pink-gold striations stacked on a slate-cold horizon —c-l-i-c-k— with Abe’s immortal address cast below as silver letterforms against a field of black.
Tomorrow— Find the cadence and crank harder . . .
The Do-over Day
March 6th, 2011
March Exercise —day six— That feeling in the pit of the gut when one’s new car gets its first scratch on bumper, fender, or door— exactly what I sensed today after my well-meaning blunder rendered Dana’s refurbished Mac Pro unable to start up. Yes, it meant I couldn’t present to her a pristine configuration as the result of my several days of work. But that’s all. No need to get agitated… no need to react as I might have in the past. Finished is better than perfect. Apple anticipates such a thing with its “Archive and Install” option, so use it and don’t fret. I now can see how, in the past, something like this might have set in motion a spiral of self-criticism. And so I put my checklist in reverse, came to terms with a few hours of delay, and took Walie on a long, chilly walk around Bellevue Cemetery.
Today’s sight bite— Muted tones of stone the same colors as the variegated sky —c-l-i-c-k— constituting rows of aged grave markers in a sea of desaturated grass.
Tomorrow— The Monday discipline is applied again in earnest . . .
An Inner Calibration
March 5th, 2011
March Exercise —day five— I’ve used this log before to mention the elusive Max Organ. My perennial effort to categorize priorities and fashion an improved outline of unfinished projects takes on a new importance during the month of March. Some of these line items carry over from life’s earlier creative phases, but eventually they must be reconciled with short- and intermediate-term goals or be lost in the evolving mix of allocations. I’ve come to realize that old, festering objectives need to be “lanced” for psychological healing— either to resurrect them to some meaningful level of attention, or to commit them to hearth’s flame. Some deserve a restored impetus of creativity. More often, they’re just clogging the catalytic pipeline for new ideas.
Today’s sight bite— Enclosed by walls of book-packed shelves, —c-l-i-c-k— the familiar warmth of wood, brass and cork provide a framework for internal clarification.
Tomorrow— Make the transition from Dana’s current work station to a more powerful system . . .
Contrast of Substance
March 4th, 2011
March Exercise —day four— Dana and I spent the evening with two of the couples who had shown us the most compassion during our winter of sorrow. Actually, there are a surprising number of these kind people, and they’ve helped make the unthinkable bearable. I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with these types of dinner events, and didn’t know what to expect tonight. It turned out to be an unusual combination of in-depth personal discussion and mindless game-table recreation. We left with a few more discretionary dollars than we brought, and, more importantly, with the satisfying knowledge that our friends are sincerely interested in the process that will put our grief behind us.
Today’s sight bite— The stuttering dance of dice on a thick glass table top —c-l-i-c-k— like a drop of water in a skillet of hot oil.
Tomorrow— A matter of decisive internal orchestration . . .
Enchantment of Earth
March 3rd, 2011
March Exercise —day three— Morning flew away and my scheduled swim was on top of me before I knew it. College staffers were creating a stone perimeter in front of the pool building for what looked to become a flower bed around the sign. Seeing the men at work out of doors with gardening tools sent a low jolt of some unknown stimulant through my system that triggered preposterous musings about what might have been, had I chucked my day job years ago and become a landscaper. It brought to mind the words of my cousin Dan, when he informed me by email that he’d acquired rural acreage in Ohio: “I think the urges I’m having now were evident in your father when I was a kid, and my father and brother now. I don’t know why I so desperately want to have land that I control, and to provide food to my family and neighbors….but I do.” There is something profoundly misguided about my having had decades of access to one of the most tranquil of Kentucky’s natural havens and, so far, having squandered the opportunity to fulfill that same genetic compulsion. God help me.
Today’s sight bite— Hand-worn rakes sifting through clods of black soil —c-l-i-c-k— as landscapers prepare a new planter at the natatorium.
Tomorrow— An evening with compassionate friends . . .
A Training Day
March 2nd, 2011
March Exercise —day two— An early start and a full, productive day makes for a Marchesque mode, but the perceptual acuity will take a bit longer to secure. The recording session at the radio station went as well as I could have expected, convincing me that an affinity for media remains in the ol’ vessels. The positive results of Nic’s pulling two of Walie’s ruined teeth on Saturday before the Marty-Rah, and the subsequent course of treatment, are more evident by the day. She has a new level of spunk not seen in many a moon. All the little stinker wants to do is play with toys and try to slip out the back door. Causes me to regret the delay in seeking my Godson’s generous care. Also thinking of Marty today. Wish I could have some idea of what he’s gone through in his first three days of training. I can only assume that he’s tired, sore, and just a tad shell-shocked at this point.
Today’s sight bite— My disobedient pup, marching down the driveway without a leash —c-l-i-c-k— proving that spring fever can still hold sway at 13 years of age.
Tomorrow— Completion of the comprehensive checklist . . .
The Clear Light
March 1st, 2011
March Exercise —day one— Unexpected March is upon me. The day is marked by a rare, scintillating clarity that only arrives after a major storm front has passed through the region with its atmospheric cleansing. One mild day a lamb does not make, but this seems to be in contrast to the signal from Punxsutawney. I’d prefer to see the last of winter now. Yesterday, after an overnight stay at Blue Bank, Dana and I drove Mombo into town for her medical appointments during a heavy downpour. With Marty’s departure for USN training, plus two studio computers to configure, the close of February has caught me by surprise this year. Very well. Let us begin it all again.
Today’s sight bite— Vivid architectural facades bathed in pure sunlight —c-l-i-c-k— as I walked to the campus pool for my midday mile.
Tomorrow— Voice-over supervision for the bank’s Jacob T campaign . . .
forty years ago
February 20th, 2011So far, 2011 has been a peculiar form of hell, but we just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Spring is on the way, and time works its healing power, but there is a void that one can never get over. The hair-trigger for a deep sorrow will always be there under the surface. Such is loss, I suppose, and the longer we hang around, the more we shall know it.
Eulogy for Bruce Joel Willoughby
January 8th, 2011Bruce liked animals, games, martial arts, music, entertainment, and public policy, but he was first and foremost a voracious reader — went cover to cover through the Holy Bible at the age of nine, and figured he had read through it again at least ten more times. Beginning as a child, he consumed three to five books a week through much of his life. It was only natural that he would devote himself to writing. Keeping in mind his great love for dogs, here is something penned by his alter ego, Elbo C. Buckminster:
“I agree with whiners, of the last few generations at least, that life is a bitch. But I’m not whining when I say it. Maybe the first person to utter that phrase was misunderstood, maybe wasn’t whining either, maybe, as I, realized that the spark of physical in this plane is protected by Nature, the bitch-goddess, sharp-toothed and warm-teated. And, like any bitch, when her offspring are threatened, Nature doesn’t retreat. She bare her teeth, she threatens, she snarls — and she bites. She won’t give up, no matter how overmatched, until the threat leaves or until she is torn to bloody shreds. So count on Life, your bitch-mother, for she’ll not abandon you easily. But respect her. If you misbehave, she may snap your little puppy head off.”
As most of you know, Bruce lost his solitary kidney in his mid 20s and spent 71 months on hemodialysis before gaining a transplanted organ, which would serve him for eight years, until he lost it while battling the devastating inflammation of his pancreas that left him gravely ill, hospitalized, and clinging to life for nearly a year, during much of which he could take no food or water by mouth. By his own account, “I died a few times — three or four, I don’t know — and at least once they were ready to call the time of my death, but one of the ICU nurses refused to give up on me; I guess she felt I still has some fight in me, and she was right.”
Indeed. When he was finally released to tenuous home care, we were told that he was only the second patient in the 100-plus-year history of that Indianapolis medical center to survive such a severe pancreatic hemorrhage. We never learned anything about that other person, but we came to know a Kentucky man named Nathaniel who defied similar odds at UK Medical Center well below one percent, and he helped us preserve hope during Bruce’s darkest days. That was 2005. But even more significant to us than Nathaniel’s kindness — and, of course, the support and encouragement of so many friends and family — was Bruce’s own valiant, grinding effort to meet daily challenges more daunting than it seemed any human being should have to face.
Later (this was 2006, April), to a standing-room-only group of us who met on Sundays to share silence, in perhaps the most awesome extemporaneous public commentary I’ve heard — one of those powerfully unique, you-had-to-be-there moments — Bruce told us that he made it through those grueling months by virtue of what might be understood, as he put it, “lying fallow,” a spontaneous, involuntary suppression of normal cognitive and emotional activity, and I have no reason to doubt it, since he retained only a partial memory of the ordeal. There were times he was so fragile that the doctors could give him no pain medication, even after major surgery. Dana and I will always remember that during the worst of his pain, he told us that he was able to endure it by reminding himself that Christ had suffered even more. Any faith in the future we managed to keep was inspired by this, Bruce’s own profound inner focus and his refusal to quit. Bruce wrote:
“Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said, ‘if you but had the faith of a mustard seed’—not belief, but faith. Faith doesn’t require belief, but a deeper knowledge, an intuitive awareness of possibility, even a denial of reality. Faith flies in the face of truth. So while I feel in my bones the existence of a being we, in our ignorance, call God, and the existence of an energy level beyond this lowly one of rock, flesh, and death, I refuse to qualify, quantify, or classify it, because to do so takes me further from the truth, not nearer.”
At long last, he was discharged to confront what he knew to be a difficult three-to-five-year recovery at best, with more surgeries and a relentless cycle of dialysis. Family and friends— that was five years ago. In fact, he went home after that first long hospitalization on Christmas Eve, and that was exactly five years ago this past Christmas Eve. Bruce had completed that journey of recovery, had made a transition, with his mother’s help, to a new, less debilitating method of in-home care, and was optimistic about his chances for another transplant, with a return to school to fulfill his original goal of becoming an English teacher. And then, after all that, the earthly saga of Bruce Joel Willoughby came to a close — when his soul abruptly flew from a physical organism compromised by so many years of precarious health.
We are here to comfort each other in sorrow, but more importantly, to celebrate Bruce’s life, to be inspired by it, as I have been, and to accept that some things can never be understood on this side of the curtain. It brings us once again to the words of Cockburn, who Bruce admired most as a musician and songwriter (and it went well beyond their sharing the name of Bruce):
An elegant song won’t hold up long
When the palace falls and the parlor’s gone.
We all must leave, but it’s not the end.
We’ll meet again at the festival of friends.Smiles and laughter and pleasant times—
There’s love in the world, but it’s hard to find.
I’m so glad I found you; I’d just like to extend
An invitation to the festival of friends.Some of us live and some of us die.
Someday God’s going to tell us why.
Open your heart and grow with what life sends.
That’s your ticket to the festival of friends.Like an imitation of a good thing past,
These days of darkness surely will not last.
Jesus was here, and he’s coming again
To lead us to his festival of friends.
Bruce was troubled in body, but strong in spirit. One didn’t have the sense that he was in decline, but quietly fighting toward a crest, ever determined, never in retreat, but slowly gaining ground, inch-by-inch against insurmountable odds. Always the chess player, he would find a way to extend the end game one more move, one more cunning evasion against near-certain checkmate, yet unafraid of passing, if a stalemate was declared. I doubt if there was anyone except his mother who really understood how hard he tried, including me, but I never lost sight of how incredibly remarkable he was among everyone I’ve ever known. There were times when it seemed he held intact his presence here by sheer force of will. For me, he always will be the true “Impossible Missions Force of Nature.”
It is fitting that we close with Bruce’s re-creation of his summation from those memorable words he delivered in April of 2006, which he titled, “HAH! MISSED ME AGAIN.”
“I leave you with this thought: If you have unfinished business in your life, get to it. Be it mending relationships, expressing yourself creatively, getting involved in community service, going for your dream job, returning to school, or losing weight — get to it. You may not be rewarded with a better economic life, or a longer life, or a happier life, but I guarantee you will be rewarded with a worthwhile life, a satisfactory life, whether it end tomorrow or ninety years hence.”
January 1st, 2011
†
Bruce Joel Willoughby
1 9 6 6 – 2 0 1 1
son, brother, uncle
and Clansman
R I P