Archive for the ‘Gratitude’ Category

After-Silence Rerun

Monday, July 9th, 2007

Milton felt positively enough about my Easter morning words at the cabin to reschedule them for this past Sunday. There were a lot more people there, thanks to his endorsement, including Bruce, Lee, and David. Keeping in mind that some of my talk refers specifically to the “Shared Silence” community, I publish it here in its entirety (full credit to my best buddy Mike for the heart of this essay).
 
 

ON DEXTERITY AND THE WISDOM OF HANDS
(After Silence: 4-8-07 and 7-8-07)

Like many of you, I have retained great friendships from childhood, young adulthood, and middle life. The concept of this talk originates with my best friend from college years, James Michael Menke, a behavioral scientist who earned a doctorate in chiropractic and currently serves on the faculty of the Program for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona, where he is at work on a Ph.D. in experimental methodology. Mike is the resident chiropractic authority at AndrewWeil.com and, in addition to his scientific publishing, contributes articles to “Dynamic Chiropractic,” the largest circulation periodical for his profession. I must give due credit to him for many of the facts, observations, and speculations that I include in my words.

* * *

It’s been four and a half years since I offered words after silence, when I reflected on my 50-mile birthday run, an event now overshadowed in memory by an occurrence that took place two days before—a present from Dana, an extraordinary celebration with friends and a retrospective exhibition of my greeting cards. Hundreds of these “miniatures” carried my dexterity of hand through a period of relentless computerization in my chosen field, something I never could have anticipated in my youth, when I fully expected a lifetime of evolving manual craftsmanship as a commercial artist. Although I’ve cut back drastically on my card-making hours, I see it now as an essential bridge activity that has prepared me for an increasing dedication to the fine arts in later life. In short, I accidentally found a way to preserve the traditional hand skills which so many in my profession have lost, having bartered them away for a new fluency with software, mouse, and keyboard.

* * *

Is it progress when we trade our ability to develop our hands for increasingly cerebral preoccupations? For most of our lives, American culture has equated handwork with unskilled work. “Manual” mostly means “menial”—or tasks no one else wants to do—and manual dexterity is associated with dullness. As those who work with their hands know at some level, hands work faster than eyes and minds can follow and quickly gain greater knowledge of objective reality. Phrases like “hands on” or “in touch” have come to mean being more connected with the way things really are, outside our frameworks of mental abstraction. Similarly, I often experience the way in which a captive idea is stuck on a mental spinning wheel until the hand is permitted to liberate it with a thumbnail sketch. Dana has told me it amuses her to see my hand moving unconsciously when she finds me deep in thought. There seems to be a direct link.

According to surgeon Frank R. Wilson, author of “The Hand: How Its Use Shapes the Brain, Language, and Human Culture,” a pianist is the summit of human achievement because of his or her ability to direct 400 muscle contractions per second, all in a single, purposeful action to produce music. Dr. Wilson proposes that the evolutionary gift of the human hand over 3 million years ago forced our brains to grow to direct and control this remarkable tool. Language and reasoning were just byproducts of a brain designed for “handedness.”

Neither raccoons, monkeys, nor apes have hands like those of the human. The human hand was made to sense and assess, control and force, and then express, caress, and eventually—to heal. The human hand is the product of anatomy and innervations unique in biological life. Menke believes that the Wilson hypothesis also puts a minor dent in the popular notion of mind-body. American mind-body dualism assumes minds affect bodies, and largely ignores how bodies affect our minds. He thinks it is an ingrained bias we don’t even notice, stemming from an ongoing love affair with the brain as our main source of power and identity. We have bodies simply to lug around and protect our brains, right? He goes on to propose the intriguing possibility that the musculoskeletal system expresses our true identity, and that our glands, organs, and brains see to it we have the requisite stuff needed to accomplish our mission. Perhaps our brains are mere servants of the hands. Could it be our hands make us distinctively human, and not our brains?

Is it possible that Argentina’s piano virtuoso Martha Argerich represents the most recent leap in human evolution? Maybe the arrival of a Yo-Yo Ma advances our species more than a Bill Gates or a Susan Sontag—who can say?

* * *

Consider the progressive prejudice against manual in favor of mental expertise and how Western society has pushed dexterity to the bottom of the totem pole, since the decline of the great European guilds of the Middle Ages, to the point that we have a situation where the work “Americans won’t do,” is potentially leading us to the brink of social crisis. One could make the case it was wrong to advise mamas, “Don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.”

Consider how various health care professions that are more probative and that delve into problems with hand intelligence remain low on the occupational ladder or command less respect among elites. Jerome Dixon is a beloved clinician in his adopted home of Campbellsville, but he is also thought by many of his peers to be one of America’s outstanding hands-on osteopathic practitioners. When people, who already know my brother is a physician, learn that he is a D.O., I can detect the crestfallen look in their eyes. “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Skilled Musculoskeletal Diagnosticians.”

Why is there such a cultural emphasis on working with the head instead of the hand? Working with your hands—sometimes called making an honest living, because you can see and count your accomplishments—is on the decline, even though it is the most difficult American work to outsource. It’s impossible to fight a fire, massage a spasm, wax a floor, cuff a criminal, cleanse an injury, build a road, or fix your commode from a call center in Bombay.

Manual consciousness—the wisdom of hands— is too often dismissed in our head-centric culture. Problems can frequently be found and solved by hands without all the judgmental posturing of the mind. Hands can quickly know what our minds may never grip, manipulate, articulate, or ultimately grasp.

As Yale University researcher Paul Bloom has explained, an adaptive mistake in human development may have given us an inborn comfort with the idea of a consciousness as being separate and separable from bodies. Whereas, Dr. Bloom suggests we have built into our DNA an indifference for the physical body as a temporary vessel, and are predisposed by evolution to believe in the supernatural, since minds and bodies seem to have a separate existence, Menke finds a more basic and immediate interpretation of Bloom’s data—that breaking the body away from the mind only leads us to fragmented views of ourselves and others.

In his book on Harlan Hubbard, Wendell Berry describes how the Kentucky artist and individualist committed himself to “an authentic life in his consciousness.” He writes that Harlan’s genius was in how he gave “the body a significant life in the world,” an existence that was “dignifying and pleasing to itself.” Like his most constant mentor, Thoreau, Harlan Hubbard sought first to live well, and to him, this meant a certain mistrust of mental abstractions removed from the objects of thought and one’s affection for those objects. In Harlan’s own words, “The mind tries to live by the artificial structure of the world, but the body will have none of it, holding to primeval forces. People try to be all mind….this has gone so far that now….the earth itself is but an idea.” Berry concludes that fundamental to Hubbard’s character was his refusal to live by mind alone. In his unwillingness to put his body and his bodily life under the rule of abstract ideas or monetary values, he avoided contemporary man’s tendency to use the world and its goods without love or care, a denial of both the life of the body and of the spirit.

* * *

And so, when I reflect on the particular abilities of my own body, it is with humility that I must appreciate each one’s distinctive integration of dedicated practice, mindful habit, and genetic heritage. This is painfully obvious when I presume my hand dexterity might cross over or be successfully interchanged. In other words, don’t let me transplant a seedling, touch a leaky pipe, or pick up a musical instrument. What of the untold wealth of dexterity that may exist within the group of unique individuals who frequent this cabin? What can I ever know of it? What do I know of the personal dexterity of Karen, Mary Ann, Leslie, or Sara Jane? What products of accomplished hands lie beyond my limited awareness?

Nevertheless, I won’t forget my sense of admiration when I first saw Lester run his fingers over a selected piece of lumber. How many times have I marveled as Ernst leaves the saddle to apply his deft touch to a shifter assembly, correcting a malfunction within seconds? What of the other familiar pairs of hands I know only when they hold a cup of hot coffee in the chilly air on a Sunday morning, never having witnessed their most articulate performances? What of Jim’s nuanced grip of the reins, Elizabeth’s green thumb, Dan’s expert trigger squeeze, or Victoria’s compassionate caress? What will I ever know of these? If I haven’t understood the hands, how can I hope to ever know the real person?

Having said that, I believe I can state without fear of contradiction that the most awe-inspiring pair of hands among us is forever gone from our physical circle. They belonged to someone I think of when I read what Harlan Hubbard wrote in 1932:

“There is but one great man. That is he who makes a masterpiece of his life. No accomplishment can offset bad living.’’

When in my friend’s presence, I failed to fully regard either of those immensely capable hands, preferring instead his characteristic twinkle of eye. Who else among our circle could demonstrate to his extent the genius of handedness—to execute a graceful brush stroke, to throw a well-proportioned pot, to compose in limestone with incomparable decisiveness, to improvise jazz melodies by intuitive fingering, or to repair the living tissue of a damaged joint? Even now, the thought of it nearly takes my breath away. These were not hands in mere service to the intellect, but a mind and heart in service to the world—properly and definitively through his magnificent hands.

How grateful am I for the good fortune to have encountered those hands, and the rich depth of human character they shaped in order to empower their creative potential! His world will continue to possess their diverse manifestations—animate and inanimate, evidence of the spirit they energized—long after the hands have left us for a place filled with new activities for the hands of a soul—the unimaginable creative pursuits of Life Everlasting.

4th Mombonian Update

Saturday, May 26th, 2007

Memorial Day weekend is cranking up. Marty and I finally began our driveway project this morning, and Ned is sagging under the weight of ancient blacktop. As America prepares to kick off another summer of fun and God knows what, let’s keep in mind the true reason we commemorate this weekend— all those who fell in service to our nation, and, by their sacrifice, earned for the rest of us the freedom to pursue our happiness. This wire photo helps keep my head in the right place. I also find myself thinking about Dadbo and his war service.

How many fallen buddies did my father mourn and never tell us about? How many friends came out of his first flight-school class, and what feelings filled his young heart when a sports injury prevented him from joining them as they shipped off? How many ended up in Europe as bomber pilots and never came back from those perilous missions? How much did that experience play in my Dad’s drive to see action in the Pacific, and how many friends did he lose in that theater… friends he also chose never to talk about?

Well, I’d best move on to the other reason for today’s entry. The latest message from Joan says that Mombo is doing well. I’ve decided to take the easy road today and post her news in this log. Why shouldn’t I just provide a direct report? Her current role in providing constant companionship for Mombo (with Jeanne, Rachel, and Glenda) has taken her away from blogging—

“A lot has happened since my last note to you all. Mombo has made some great improvements. The breathing treatments that she gets every 8 hours seem to be helping her, and she is now up to 850 on her ‘hookah.’ She has been taking some really good walks ‘around the block.’ Her appetite has returned, so she is eating much more and actually said that her lunch tasted ‘really good’ today. Her spirits are high, and you can tell that she is putting her will into getting well so that she can go home. They haven’t given us a firm day yet, but they have mentioned a possibility of Sunday. It would be nice to get her home on the Lord’s Day. She is so grateful for the beautiful cards and the phone calls from so many of you. Rachel and Glenda have been real troopers in helping Jeanne and me provide Mom with round-the-clock company. She really perks up when she gets a visitor. Today she said her rosary and read several daily readings from the Mass. She also got to see most of DAYS OF OUR LIVES. The case manager here at Central Baptist was in today and is arranging for home health care to come in after she gets back to the Valley. We are very pleased with the care she has had here. Most of her nurses and nursing assistants have been wonderful. Respiratory and physical therapists have also been supportive and helpful. She was so busy today that she did not even get a nap in, so now she is tired out, but, all in all, she is moving down the road to recovery.”

Thanks, Joannie, for keeping us all informed. You are a good daughter and an exceptional sister, too. But, most of all, you are a great mother, like Jeanne, and we all know who taught you how.

Get well soon, Mombo, and come back to the Land!

Various & Sundry, part forty-eight

Sunday, April 1st, 2007

— Month of March workout totals: Swim-3; Bike-3; Run-4; Lift-6; Yoga-8

— My body isn’t the same one I had ten years ago when I could run a 6:41 mile, but attention to physical fitness is the key to all my other areas of fitness. Lots of people talk to me about their desire to exercise more or to find the time to start again, and I tell them it’s “just a habit like anything else.” Motivation has its place, but for most regular exercisers like me, it’s just something we’ve learned to do by habit. If you don’t exercise, you’ve just learned to do that by habit instead, like the habit of not reading much or not flossing teeth. Replace an unwanted habit with a constructive one—easier said than done. As trite as it may sound, it usually comes down to the familiar Yoda quotation, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

— Naturally, I’m thinking about the March Experiment today. I recognized some time ago that it’s not really about breakthroughs in professional achievement. but rather about the consciousness of continuous personal awareness. That may sound like a particularly selfish pursuit—and it is. On the other hand, I’ve come to believe that control of self-awareness is at the foundation of sensitivity to others. Compassion is rooted in mastery over one’s emotional priorities. Perhaps some individuals are just born with a natural magnanimity. Since I wasn’t, I must take pains to find the necessary inner balance. Therefore—the exercise in March. Yes, I’m now considering making the practice an annual refresher.

— Mombo sends word that Joan, Caitlan, Janet, and Jerome have arrived safely in England, and Brendan met them at the airport. I hope he fixes them up with a blogging station, so we can get the latest news from London. Wow. When I think that it’s been almost 33 years since I was there, my eyes roll back in my head. I can’t imagine what it would be like to visit again. Many things would look the same (the museums and tourist sites), but other places are surely gone forever (those hip shops on King’s Road in Chelsea, etc.). Have fun, guys, and fashion your own memories!

— It’s April, my favorite time of year. Thinking of my family on holiday and having dinner tonight with my household has filled me with gratitude for wonderful things, especially with so many in my hometown mourning the senseless loss of Chiara Levin, a victim of wanton irresponsibility while visiting Boston last week. I am thankful for all the good fortune in my Clan, for my health, for the opportunity to live a creative, meaningful life in a decent community, for an extraordinary partner in all things, and for the Almighty who sustains me. I am truly blessed…

V & S

Reaffirmation

Saturday, March 10th, 2007

March experiment—day ten— I had to battle with my “inner wimp” this morning to run five miles at daybreak. With as mild as it is outside, that should not have been necessary, and as soon as I was out the mud-room door I was grateful for the upper hand. It was just the first in a string of today’s reminders to myself about why I’m conducting this odd exercise in the first place. I revisited my piece for New Mexico and took on an ambitious compositional addition, inviting the risk that I might spoil the whole thing. That’s the sort of thing I do in March, but I want to become bold enough to do it all the time without even thinking about it. Inner wimp be damned—you don’t know what untapped capability I have! The decision put me behind schedule again, but I refuse to fret. No profit in it. The Strocks stopped by for lunch, and I loaned one of my dumbbells to Marty. Today is the twenty-ninth anniversary of our first date, so I’m taking Dana to hear Dawn Osborn perform tonight at the new Woody’s in Danville.

Today’s sight bite— Dried paint and pencil marks on a flat surface—c-l-i-c-k—the illusion of a pear results from coordination of mind, eye, hand—and will.

Tomorrow— Spring forward an hour, share the silence, and embrace the checklist…

:|:| Grateful for “Grils” |:|:

Saturday, February 10th, 2007

I’m chest deep in deadline mode, plugging toward a Monday presentation, but I have to stop for a moment and muse a bit about the wonderful womenfolk in my Clan.

My sister Jeanne stopped by yesterday and made a gesture of astonishing generosity that I won’t describe here, but that warmed my heart. A week ago, my sister Joannie gave a gift of her time and helped us make progress on our remodeled conference room with “galley kitchen” project. I have amazing sisters and I try to convince myself that I deserve them.

Yesterday, my niece Jerusha had her third baby—this time a girl—named Torrance Rylee. She has long fingers and is sweet to behold. Dana and I stopped by the hospital for a spell before heading out to the high school to watch my niece Hayley lead her team to a decisive win over a good team that defeated them earlier in the season. It was a 28-pointer for our Belle, by my count, and that missed her season high by a point. I was really rooting for another basket, but she kept feeding her teammates instead, helping them in achieving their own season highs. Magnanimous… like her mother and father, and like her Grandy-bo, too. I also thought about the other grandfather she never knew—Len. He might have been even more proud than any of us last night.

Susan and James came to watch, and I found out that my niece Rita will be studying in Europe this summer—traveling, writing, and making photographs. I can’t wait to enjoy the results of that creative adventure. And, speaking of adventures, my niece Caitlan has added competitive rowing to her extraordinary schedule at Oxford, England. Unreal. Keep it up, KK!

They’re all so awesome, and I could go on with more, but I’ve already rambled for too long. It’s time to return to the drawing board, and I’ll be thinking about my Uncle Bob’s noteworthy proposition that the story of our family is a story of strong women. Indeed it is.

September Eleven

Monday, September 11th, 2006

It’s our 24th wedding anniversary, but we no longer have this date to ourselves, of course; it now belongs to all Americans.

Dana and I opted for a day at home, trying to enjoy the familiar with mindful appreciation. I did some chores for her; she made two tasty meals for me. At the same time, I was trying to pack for a Michigan trip and finish framing the 50th anniversary artwork for the California B’bachs. I avoided the media all day, since there were already too many things going on in my head. I really had to quiet myself and beckon an Archangel, so I wouldn’t goof up, fall two stories off a ladder, and ruin the day.

Our intimate supper featured the last of my venison tenderloin, wild rice, and Fron’s yellow squash. Sliced organic strawberries in liqueur-flavored yogurt were an exquisite finale, and the bottle of Firestone Cabernet was pure velvet on the palette, shining like fiery blood before the candle flames.

No greater love

Monday, May 29th, 2006

I need not stand in my family cemetery today to have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for those who have put on a uniform to serve our nation. They performed the duty, often dangerous, at times fraught with extreme peril. There are those in every generation who meet the necessity. I owe them too much, even when they changed their minds after returning home. Some of them did not make it home, and I join with those who offer this day as an inadequate memorial to the magnitude of their sacrifice.

† God bless their souls.

LAFF COMIX—the unreachable black hole

Saturday, May 20th, 2006

Don’t get me wrong—I’m very grateful for my talents, but I’m thinking that perhaps there’s no greater gift in life than a keen, dominant sense of humor. PartiallyClips proves that anyone who’s funny enough can create an entertaining Webcomic, even if the drawings look like clods of rhino dung. On the other hand, try producing really cool cartoon art with crappy dialog and see where it gets you.

No fair…

Another Big Five-Oh

Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

Today I was astonished when my spirits were boosted immeasurably by participating in the 50-mile “Running Saint” achievement of my friends Milton S and Jim M. I joined their run/walk pace for ten and half miles and then rode my mountain bike back out later in the day and added another nine miles on foot. I was so caught up in supporting their effort that I forgot about anything else. It brought back all of the perceptions of my own “50-on-50th” milestone.

All I can think to do is to publish my 2002 journal entry that describes it:

— — —

On Mother’s Day we took Mombo to the brass band concert at the bandstand in the courthouse park. It was nice— just like something that would’ve happened 50 years ago… or, more likely, 150 years ago. There are times when it’s a true joy to live small-town life to the fullest. It was a great day that started early. A few of us gathered to "share silence" at the cabin studio of my friend Mack, a surgeon, artist, sculptor, saxophonist, rock-fence builder, etc., etc. He’s just one of the superb people I’ve gotten to know since I’ve lived in Danville.

Now that I’m thinking of my good friends, I should proceed to bring this journal up to date concerning my landmark birthday run: Monday, 29 April 2002. How do I begin to tell the story of that day? So full of great experiences and memories of true friendship. More details in a moment… Let me first say that I was successful in meeting my self-challenge. I ran to the 50k mark (31 miles), and then I mostly walked to the end of my carefully planned 50-mile course. What a day to remember! 80.6 kilometers of forward momentum. The fulfillment of months of training, and one more isolated validation of Phil Maffetone’s fitness method

The Saturday before, the 27th, Dana threw a birthday celebration for me, held at the “Grayson’s Tavern” of Constitution Square Historic Site in Danville. Most of my fitness companions, plus Clan, and a few longtime friends were there, and it was a success, too. Meg H, a major inspiration to me with my collage work, was there with husband Bob H, who took the legendary Grandy-bo "Bibs Portrait." Deb S and Bob B even drove down beyond the "dark and bloody river" during a storm, as did others, including Darby H and Uncle Art. My mom was clearly happy to be with her brother, who had just gotten through a life-threatening crisis caused by a serious seizure. Heavy rain cut attendance at the afternoon “open house” exhibition of my hand-crafted greeting cards. By evening, conditions were dry and over 80 showed up for the party. Dana outdid herself with the many preparations. Great food (we used my “famous” salmon that was caught on 9-11-01), great music, great conversation, and a great spirit of human warmth.

Personally, it was a magical night for me, and I was totally numb to be the center of attention. Everybody seemed to get a kick out of my cards. Two beers all night, but I was happier than if I’d drunk a dozen. Blew out the candles on the cake, took a goofy bow, and the whole sweet thing was over much too fast. I was so overwhelmed by it all that I realized later I’d missed a rare "Uncle Clarence Moment" to thank everyone for coming. I’ll have to trust they saw the appreciation in my eyes. There were many who could not be there in person, but certainly in spirit.

After a Sunday of good-byes to out-of-towners, exhibit documentation, and final cleanup at the Tavern, I managed to drive my impending 50-mile course — as the sun was trading places with a full moon — to distribute some hidden water bottles and Gatorade. And then it was on to bed, but I didn’t sleep that well… too nervous about the day to come.

The next day, my actual birthday, was a unique day in my life, is difficult to explain, and, of course, there’s probably no logical way to justify what I did. I started out at 5:45 am and began to run my course (with a cell phone to keep Dana aware, so she could communicate with friends). Two running pals were there to start out with me. Jeff T the banker ran the first two miles, but had to return to prepare for his work day. When I got out to my sister Jeanne’s house, Clansman Cliff had only one word for me— “SURVIVE!” Joni M (track coach, lawyer’s wife, and mother of three running sons) headed back to town at that point, and I continued out into the country, where I met up with Sarah H (CPA, doctor’s wife, and another mother of three running sons) and Ernst C-W (generous advisor and proprietor of the local cycle shop). When we got to the Jackson farm, I ran Mack’s soggy cross-country trails and had a “pit stop” at the cabin… changed into dry shoes and socks. The air was still raw enough that I borrowed Ernst’s gloves to continue on my way.

I took a lunch-and-stretching break (at almost 20 miles) after I’d eventually looped back to the Town House. I had some of Dana’s therapeutic kudzu-ginger-plum soup. It was nothing short of astounding when she brought in the mail and I’d gotten a postcard from Japan, wishing me good luck and happy birthday! It was from Yu Saito, my running companion throughout 2001, who had taken his family home in early March. She said, “the cosmos is in alignment,” and it gave me a great burst of optimistic enthusiasm. I just love these synchronicities of life…

And then I took off again, running north to the little town of Burgin, near historic Shaker country. The weather was pleasantly cool now, so I was comfortable in a short-sleeve shirt. The sky was gorgeous with puffy white clouds, and the familiar cattle and horse farms were the emerald green of Kentucky springtime. More friends came out to support me. Dick B (local running guru and a “50-on-50th” veteran), ran most of our traditional 10k route with me and I finished my 50k with strength. After a short rest I began again, with 50 total miles as my new goal. Milton S (Centre College religion scholar and Zen practitioner) was there to walk 10 miles with me. Jim L (wood artisan and retired insurance man) drove out to wish me well, and Bill S (tireless volunteer and retired corporate engineer) appeared on his bike to roll along with a birthday poem! It made all the difference in my will to keep going, because my stomach was becoming upset. I mentally clung to Cliff’s quotation after the 40-mile point, where I made a "180" and knew I had only the home stretch to downtown Danville and the finish line. As one can perhaps tell, I’d been able to link most of my favorite running venues into a day-long trek. The light at the end of the tunnel was visible, but my “handlers” were now becoming vital to my effort.

Fortunately, I had few complications. Thanks to some cautionary advice from my friend Eddy M (a urologist and another “50-on-50th” veteran), I had my liquid situation well planned. I didn’t get dehydrated, but I could’ve managed my fuel consumption better. Between 40 and 48 miles my legs held up well, but my vitality was depleted, so I slowed to 3 miles per hour, feeling chilled. I needed energy, but couldn’t hold down anything sweet. I tried to drink Gatorade and it came back up. I needed something gentle to my stomach. After Milton left, Jeff and Joni returned to assist. My problem-solving skills were squandered by then, so I needed their lucid thoughts to keep me moving forward safely toward home. They called Dana and she drove out with some whey protein powder mixed in rice milk— easy to digest —and it boosted me enough that I was able to run the last mile. By then I’d received my second birthday poem of the day (sung magnificently to the tune "Dixie" by the one-and-only Lee S) and Bill G (photo pro and financial advisor) had “taken the baton” to escort me in. Earlier he’d shot some pictures with a telephoto lens, which I haven’t seen yet. I didn’t last long on my feet after I reached home shortly after 9 pm. A hot bath, a leg massage, and a collapse into bed followed soon after!

Looking back with critical thinking, I should’ve gotten better prior rest, but, more importantly, I should’ve had a more coherent plan for my ongoing caloric intake and energy maintenance. Perhaps I should’ve trained more with something in keeping with my usual whole-foods diet, maybe honey or rice milk. I think I would’ve kept my momentum better and finished in less time, but all-in-all I did well and had only that one period of depletion. My muscles and joints held up fabulously. I just “ran out of gas.”

I felt fine and recovered remarkably fast over the next couple of days, with an occasional wave of fatigue. Only my feet were sore. I was active on Tuesday and went to watch niece Rita and Godson Nic at a high school track meet the following evening. Afterwards I accepted a hot tub invitation with Dana for a soak and some cold refreshment. The day after that (May 1st), I took most of the cards that had been on display at the Tavern and put together a new exhibit at the Boyle County Library, which will be up until the end of this month, and then we had severe weather come through Central KY. I am so thankful nothing like that happened on Monday the 29th. I could not have asked for a nicer day to do what I did on my birthday.

I’m feeling great, contemplating a new goal— maybe a duathlon or autumn marathon. It’s time to increase my weekly cycling mileage. As of yesterday I’ve lost 15 pounds since January (167 to 152). Clearly, I have transformed my aerobic metabolism. Friday night I decided to test my condition by running the local “Moonlight Mile.” I wondered if I had any speed left at all. It seemed like ages since I allowed myself to run hard. I thought perhaps I could break 8 minutes, but I had a 6:53.2 (with a strong kick). And then on Saturday morning I was able to do an uptempo 8-miler with the 7-am running group (with miles tapering from 8:10 to 9:37). This is very interesting. I feel a powerful need to test my fitness, but I don’t want to fall back into overtraining. Balance, as always, is the key.

And now the others are calling me the newest “Running Saint.” It is somewhat silly, but it feels like an honor, too. As Dick told me, “John, it becomes part of your personal character and integrity and no one can ever take it away from you.” I don’t think I could have imagined this when I first got my heart monitor a year ago. Much good change has happened, and there’s much to be learned and remembered, concerning the discipline of aerobic and dietary preparation, but I think the real story of my birthday experience is the team effort of good friends.

Building physical stamina lays a foundation for inner focus, which leads to mental toughness. From there, each individual athlete must find the hidden way to "guts" or "grit" (or whatever one chooses to call it— my Godfather always called it "the means"). It is a solitary discovery that must be made before the day is ultimately won— in my case, the 50-MILE-DAY —before those of us who reach for the ridiculous can know the "majestic sense of victory." For in that moment when one truly believes that an outrageous goal is possible, one gains something permanent, regardless of the outcome.

Maybe I should’ve stuck with the notion that there’s no rational explanation for having done this— an idea that I borrowed from Dick —but this is my best attempt at describing the prize that can never be taken away. Now that I’ve tried, I’m not sure it can be done without forsaking a certain humility. Forgive me if I have.

There are, without a doubt, many paths to that same Self-satisfaction. May we all trust our Selves to find one. May we all learn that each is merely one pale shade of Life’s eternal victory over sin, disease and death.

For all the kind words of encouragement… for every "thumbs up" or "high five" or simple smile of support… for each comrade on the road, I am grateful.

Here’s to my loving mate. Here’s to everyone who helped make it possible. Here’s to all of you. And to Yu… a heartfelt "Domo arigato gozaimashita."

And, finally, here’s to the big FIVE-OH!

As luck would have it

Thursday, April 13th, 2006

I requested the newest book by Paul Watkins from the library, and they bought it for the collection. It looks like I’m about to complete The Ice Soldier in one week. It’s clear that this author has developed a following, which has scant meaning to any particular reader, and that he’s also earned heaps of critical praise, but so have writers I find unreadable. All I care to know is that I’ve found a novelist who consistently delivers the goods for me. That’s enormously satisfying, although I’m sure I’d require his remarkable verbal skills to adequately put my appreciation into words.

There seems to be two main reasons to own a copy of a novel. First of all, it provides the opportunity to reach out and connect at one’s own volition, like telephoning a good friend. And, of course, the other reason is to loan it to those same friends. I want to own this book, but it occurs to me that a measure of my fondness for my friends will be whether I convince myself to buy two copies…

The flame of life eternal

Saturday, April 8th, 2006

Joan was sweet enough to bring Bruce to our home, on her way back from Indiana.

Bruce in our home for a visit. Today, tomorrow, and through Easter.

Father, I AM grateful to Thee,

From every shadow I AM free…

The indispensability of the One

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

On my way to the pool today I saw Danny loading the John Deere that he’s hauling to Kansas for his son William. You have to know Danny to understand how a conversation about a diesel tractor can shift to theology within a couple minutes. He mentioned the concept that, at certain times, the fate of the whole world can hinge on a single prayer. Merton might have said that, and I don’t doubt it’s true. To believe otherwise would rationalize away the value of all prayer, wouldn’t it? A discussion of accountability followed and then salvation and then the loneliness of Christ’s path. I said, “But his mother was with him at the beginning, and right up to the end, and her role was crucial,” and Danny replied, “So, there you come full circle—with the potential of a single individual to contribute great good or great evil.” As I continued my walk to campus, I couldn’t help but wonder if the Father had tried to send His Son at earlier times, and an angel’s warning had been misunderstood or ignored, so the infant had been slain, along with the guardians. And then I was in total awe of the significance of parenthood in general… with the awesome responsibility of it all. I was filled with gratitude for having such a wonderful mother and happiness that she was still with us. I prayed that it would be so for a long time.

Still drawn to the best of our breed

Monday, February 20th, 2006

It took longer than I expected, but my drawing for the Housing Authority was a pleasure to execute. The illustration technique I used was directly inspired by my favorite masters of pen and wash—Jack Unruh, Ken Dallison, Joe Ciardiello, and Alan E. Cober. Dallison is known for his automobiles and Ciardiello for his portraits, but all of them have worked with great breadth of subject matter. I’ve marveled at their skill for decades, but they have a similarity of approach that is close enough to my own capability that I can relate to how they visualize and have learned from their prolific examples. Unruh is exceptional—equally adept at rendering people, places, and the natural world—and I could die happy if I gain a fraction of his ability. Cober, who, of the four, actually did die (happy I hope, although much too young), holds a special place in my personal history. At the height of our indecision concerning what to do about the crumbling situation at Wright State, Dana and I had the opportunity to question him at a workshop. He counseled us to trust and follow our instincts, so the two of us got out together. He was a great adviser to hundreds of talents over the years, and I’m grateful to have been one of them.

Only love is real

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Days of mixed emotions as the year draws to a close…

I’m really excited about the wise, practical advice I’m getting from Twyla Tharp’s “The Creative Habit,” the best book on creativity I’ve ever discovered. Anyone who is remotely artistic or has even a modest hope of harnessing their creative abilities should read this book. I wish I’d read it 30 years ago—a silly thought, since she wrote it in 2003. That she’s been able to synthesize from her life experience such a down-to-earth approach is another form of genius beyond her greatness as a dancer/choreographer. Her counsel is so effective that I’m already getting noticeable results, and I’m only half way through the book.

In a previous entry I mentioned Paula, the state employee who was coordinating the KBBC when I joined the Commission at the end of the summer. I learned today that the cancer has advanced to the final stage and her family was gathering nearby to keep the vigil. My one long talk with Paula took place on what might have been the most exhilarating day of the year for me. She was very nice and very professional, believing she was making a routine follow-up call to introduce herself and offer her help within the Transportation Cabinet. I was totally lost, and it became clear soon enough that I wasn’t yet aware of the Governor’s appointment. We ended up having an amusing conversation after we put the awkward moment of embarrassment behind us. I looked forward to getting to know her and hardly imagined never speaking to her again. I don’t need to go into the memories from a year ago that this news brings to the surface. I just hate to be reminded that another family is facing a new year with the same tide of overwhelming sadness.

With the observance of her 15th birthday, my niece Hayley is on the brink of success as an athlete. She’s put in some hard work as a youngster, but is now poised to commence her career as an outstanding high school ballplayer. I watched her carry her team to a two-point tournament game victory yesterday as a freshman, and I can vividly see the potential, although I’m not knowledgeable enough to analyze her situation in detail. I’ll leave that to others. I just know how happy I am for her and how much I wish her well. A relaxed self-confidence is beginning to blossom, plus the capacity to turn on “the means,” when necessary. A good combination that will improve with more playing time, which she’s certain to get after a performance like her 14-point, 9-rebound effort last night. You got it, Belle— go tear ’em up tonight!

Bruce has improved enough for probable release by the weekend. He’s still experiencing enough dramatic flux in his body temperature, blood pressure, and pulse rate to keep everyone on edge about his prognosis for 2006. It took our friend Nathan two years to recover some level of normalcy in his bout with pancreatitis, presumably a worse case than Bruce’s, and that included multiple surgeries. This gives me reason to have the long-term outlook for a positive outcome, to resist the tendency to fret about the periodic fluctuations, and to recognize that the Father has a purpose for this man that none of us can begin to imagine. It will just take time. Lots of it.

So… I’m juggling joy, sadness, hope, and fear right now, but behind that veneer of emotional energy is a core of Divine Love. I’m grateful that I grew up swimming in a lake of pure love. Not indulgence or sympathy or favoritism or the milk of human kindness. Love. The real thing. And I realize now that it’s the Presence of God in my life, and I’ve since learned how many others have struggled to adulthood without it. That is surely my greatest gift. Not my talents, or my excellent health, or my “good joss,” but the certainty of always knowing I am deeply loved, and it enables me to touch the Heart of Christ—if I remember to pay attention. If I relax, avoid the panic, and float in that vast life-giving ocean—an inner and outer home that’s always been there and always will be.

My prayer for today

Thursday, November 24th, 2005

Inspired by David’s 103rd Psalm, I share this in the spirit of the early pilgrims, who used five kernals of corn as a symbol of their gratitude.

Kentucky Thanksgiving Prayer

Father, I see the first kernal and know Your forgiveness is complete.
Thank You for being a God
     Who absolves my sins
when I pledge in my heart to move forward with my life and trespass no more.

Father, I see the second kernal and know all healing comes from You.
Thank You for being a God
     Who provides complete wholeness
and grants me the trusting heart to accept that I may never comprehend Your divine wisdom
—whether to restore a body with Your grace, or bestow perfection with heaven’s embrace.

Father, I see the third kernal and know the redemption of Christ.
Thank You for being a God
     Who would offer Your only Son
to be a living mediator and the true path to Your everlasting kingdom.

Father, I see the fourth kernal and know Your love and compassion is without qualification.
Thank You for being a God
     Who invites me into Your heart
each time I accept the opportunity to serve Your children instead of thinking only of myself.

Father, I see the fifth kernal and know the blessings You provide will never end.
Thank You for being a God
     Who is eternally giving
and finds me worthy of Your unfailing gifts, if I can only remember to stop and ask.

Father, You are so magnificent.

Thank YOU, Thank YOU, Thank YOU, Thank YOU, Thank YOU.

Amen.

Update on Bruce, Book Four

Thursday, October 20th, 2005

I think it might be a good idea to share—in its original format—my sweet wife’s most recent note about Bruce.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear friends and family,

It’s been nearly two months since I’ve given an update, but now Bruce is showing marked improvement. Today completes seven months in the hospital. At seven weeks, that seemed a long time, but I had no idea what we were facing.

In recent months, it’s been difficult to report because he’s teetered back and forth while battling infection. He would have good days followed by days of fever and nausea. It was hard think he was getting better when I’d see him get pints of hemoglobin, but he fought on.

About the time the infectious disease specialist was ready to throw up his hands in defeat, the surgeons declared that they didn’t want to set him back with another surgery, that they would stay the course. That was almost a month ago.

Since then, they decided to test out the pancreas by giving him juice. The next day, he was told to pick out what he wanted off the menu. This seemed outlandish to me, since he’d had nothing but ice chips for more than 6 months. His stomach and taste buds must have been in shock. He doesn’t actually digest what he consumes due to bypass tubing, but I would have thought a return to food would be more gradual. He is going easy on it since his basic nutrition is still provided by tube feeding. He still has frequent nausea, but the pancreas and blood sugar are not over-reacting to this new challenge.

He’s been off antibiotics for several days, and no fever so far. The pain is getting better, so he’s being weaned off the “patch,” and he’s asking for Dilaudid less often. His voice is now strong, and he is using a walker twice a day. His ability to concentrate is suddenly much improved.

I expect that he will go home soon, although having to travel for dialysis will be a whole new challenge. With the hospital bill alone over $8 million by last month, everyone’s eager for him to go home. Very few people, whatever their station in life, could handle the co-pay on such an amount.

Recently we were told that the survival rate for someone with pancreatitis this severe is about 1%—an eye-opening statistic if accurate. I tell you this so that you’ll know how vital your kindnesses to us have been. We will be eternally grateful for your understanding and support and for your thoughts and prayers on Bruce’s behalf.

With a grateful heart,

Dana

My heart is once again laden with gratitude

Sunday, August 7th, 2005

After yesterday’s race, I had lunch with David in Lexington and hit the gun show, where we bought supplies for our deer ammo project and I bought a soft case for my Marlin. Dana and I made a connection, drove to Indy, and visited with Bruce until late. Today he mostly wanted to sleep, so we headed to Ohio. I read the conclusion of “The Sparrow” aloud, and the two of us discussed its themes for quite a while. When we got to Sydne’s marriage celebration in Bellbrook, it was a surprise to see her in a wheelchair She’d almost lost a big toe in a freak picture-hanging accident (that’s our Sydne!).

At the reception I struck up a conversation with a local couple, and found it hard to believe that they were of the World War II generation, since they looked younger than that. After about an hour, Ruth got Barney to open up a bit and I found out that he was personally decorated by President Truman. He’d been wounded three times—once by a sniper—and had successfully stormed a Japanese pillbox with a flame-thrower before being captured and sent to a POW camp on the Malay Peninsula, where he’d been tortured for information. I could see that his fingers were permanently disabled. I felt honored to have met him and he just averted his eyes when I expressed my appreciation for his service and the sacrifices he made. His attitude was made clear when he reminded me that he’d lost a lot of buddies and then told me this story: When he met Truman he said, “Mr. President, I don’t think I deserve this.” According to Barney, Truman replied. “I don’t give a damn what you think. Your commander says you deserve this.”

Before we left, Ruth said to me, “He’s been through a lot.”

Bruce… Barney… What have I ever been through?

Earlier in the day I’d read in the newspaper about a staff sergeant from Indiana who’d been injured in Iraq during the invasion and was now on his second tour, having just single-handedly taken out a suicide car bomber before his convoy could be harmed. He was recovering from shrapnel wounds to his face and head.

My Lord… may this nation continue to deserve such men.

(Josh is due to arrive home today for his two-week leave.)

A time of horror vs a shining moment of solidarity

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

Dana and I took time tonight to have a nice dinner at Two Roads Cafe in Danville, sharing a Cabernet from my favorite Washington State winery, Chateau Ste Michelle. I remember first learning of it during a riverboat cruise we attended for the wedding rehearsal dinner of a former Centre intern. It wasn’t long after September 11 and I was wearing my flag lapel pin, which attracted a New Yorker who was present. He expressed his thanks to me for the show of support (yes, he took my gesture as personally significant to him—you have to recall the mood of the times), and we enjoyed each other’s friendship as he kindly introduced me to a family of reliably fine wines before we said our farewells later that evening.

When I think back to experiences like that, I wish that it was easier for us humans to discern the core essentials of life at times other than peril, tragedy, or loss…

Oldenday IV

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

You would have thought that I’d get at least one decent art teacher during my years in high school. No dice. And so I continued my bizarre attempt at artistic cultivation. I developed my own comic book characters, illustrated home-grown stories, and advanced my “Wanted Posters” into a state that was clearly an attempt at pushing my facial skills as far as I could handle without proper training. Nobody had ever told me about anatomy or life drawing. I absorbed the daily comics (I hated “Dondi” but studied the drawing). The unique intro to The Wild Wild West and the long-forgotten Lone Ranger animated series fascinated me. I became more and more interested in animation. I poured over the drawings of political artists—Herblock, Hugh Haynie, and Paul Conrad. I entertained the notion that I wanted to be an editorial cartoonist, and wrote letters to prominent exponents of the art form. But then something happened that would change everything. I saw an an advertisement from the Famous Artist School and responded. A representative actually paid a visit to our home and I begged my parents to let me give it a shot—the correspondence course that would give me the art instruction that I’d never managed to acquire. They said, “Okay,” and I will forever be grateful for this simple consent to expose me to legitimate art educators. I acknowledge now that the home-study “Course for Talent Young People” was an experiment, an attempt to market the successful adult course to a younger market. That meant nothing to me at the time. This was the school endorsed by Norman Rockwell! How could they deny me this opportunity? Well, they didn’t, even though my Mom had to cajole me into keeping up with the lessons. But a sea change had occurred. I was formally introduced to the world of art at last, fine and applied, and I was soon ready to make an informed decision about the direction of my artistic development. When my grandmother gave me a bulletin of classes from the University of Cincinnati, I was ready to choose a course of action—commericial art. No surprise. This was it! Everything else fell to the wayside…

Olden…

At times like this

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

My wife Dana and I want to thank each of you—individually, in person, if we could—for your many messages of support. For now, please know that they are much appreciated.

Bruce was able to sit up and talk on Friday, but seemed tired on Saturday. Since we’d arrived in Indianapolis the previous Saturday with clothes for only two days, we needed to get home. We got back to Danville late Saturday, but didn’t get much sleep that night.

Since we hadn’t seen Marty during his spring break, we took him out for dinner on Sunday. During the meal we got the call that Bruce was failing (high temperature, growing infection, pneumonia out of control). We packed up and headed back to Indy. The message we’d received was so alarming that Marty and his mom Terie came with us, despite the fact that school would be back in session on Monday. This time we grabbed our dog, too.

Bruce was stable by the time we arrived, back on a ventilator, but blood pressure and pulse were erratic. By early afternoon, he was resting fairly well and went into surgery to remove a temporary stint (a possible source of the continuing infection) that is used for dialysis, and replace it with a different type. A permanent fistula was considered, but it was decided that he’s too ill to go under anesthesia.

He was sleeping comfortably last night with better vital signs. He’s still under heavy sedation, but he does react to his mother’s voice and can respond to questions with a slight nod. He’s receiving nutrition through a nose tube that goes directly into the small intestine, bypassing the stomach and pancreas. His nurse told Dana that patients with pancreatitis this severe sometimes remain in the ICU three months or more and in the hospital for months longer–a true test of endurance. Regular drives back and forth to Indiana will seem easy by comparison. On Sunday I got to talk to a friend who reminded me that a local acquaintance spent six months in the hospital with pancreatitis, and that it was two years before he was totally his old self. Bruce has the will to undergo a long recuperation if his situation can just stabilize, but I honestly don’t know if his mate has the stamina for what lies ahead.

It is at times like this that Dana and I are reminded how much we value our family (powerful, quiet support) and our friends (an amazing outpouring of affection).

We’re truly grateful for the positive thoughts and prayers. We’ll need them for some time to come…

(Dana helped with this entry.)

Holding his own

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

I was a patient in a hospital once.

Once.

I didn’t have much say in the matter, but I’m glad I was born. I had my tonsils cut out in a doctor’s office. I think it wasn’t much longer before they made old Dr. Ashmun stop doing that.

Over the years I’ve spent a fair amount of time in hospitals, especially when they started paying me to be there. But now I go primarily to visit people who haven’t enjoyed my extraordinary run of good fortune. That’s ok. I can stand to be around these places. (Like a mercenary must feel hanging around an ammo dump, I suppose.) I don’t have too many illusions left, as far as I know. I think I have a pretty good idea what these places can do and what they can’t. It’s a workplace. Some of these individuals can accomplish extraordinary things, and that’s true of many workplaces. It’s also true that some employees might be having a bad day, a bad week… or maybe a bad life.

If I make a mistake and publish a typo, everybody feels bad, but nobody has a funeral. I’m not an architect. My designs can’t fall down and kill anybody. But an architect has to have a lot of negligent people around if a faulty building gets built. In a hospital, one “oops” can be a life-or-death matter. We like to think those blunders don’t happen very often, but they do. In America. By nice, well-meaning people. If my streak is broken and I find myself in a hospital as a patient, I want a bodyguard.

Bruce has a lot of people looking out for him, pulling for him, praying for him. Maybe that includes you, dear reader. I hope so. If it does, I hereby thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Everything coming to bear on Bruce’s critical condition: the drugs, the tubes, the pumps, the microchips, the highly educated minds… it’s all there to give him a fighting chance. And by God he’s fighting. When I walk into the room I just look past all the gear and all the reservoirs of heaven-knows-what, and I see the inner warrior holding his own, preparing to make his move, armed with the weapons of consciousness, unfettered by the constraints of time and space, fully aware of the only thing that matters…

Victory.

Various & Sundry, part seven

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

— Surprising as it might seem, I never read H.S. Thompson. Maybe it was because I had a back-stabbing co-worker in the 70s who carried on a lot about how great a writer Thompson was. Either that or I just couldn’t get past all the Ralph Steadman, which has been a bit of a mystery, since Steadman’s work was mildly influential for me at a certain point in my development as an illustrator (even though I found something fundamentally revolting about his style).

— Brendan’s new Idiotcam archive is positively super-dooper! Now I have only two major goals left in my life: building a home in the Knobs and making it into the exalted Plastic Mullet Series.

— Something about Mombo’s tribute has really sparked some childhood memories. For some reason I got to thinking about one of the most brattish (perhaps the most brattish) thing I ever did as a child. I was pretty young, so my recollection is rather hazy. I don’t think it was my birthday, so it must have taken place at Christmas. I do remember that I’d been agitating for the only toy I desperately wanted—a firetruck. My parents must have been anticipating the delight that would certainly result from their big surprise. Or maybe it was my Uncle Don who was behind it.

There it was! A bright red steel pedal-car-style fire engine complete with little wood ladders and a silver bell!

I threw a fit. Weeping dramatically, I let it be known that I was totally disappointed. How could somebody have gotten it so utterly wrong? That’s not what I wanted. What I wanted was a little firetruck that I could take out to the sand pile and play with! It was a bitter tragedy. No, it was the end of the world!

I don’t know how much longer it was before the replacement arrived, or what mixed emotions my tantrum must have triggered, but the Tonka fire engine eventually appeared, and it was a beauty. It even had a red hydrant that connected to the garden hose to supply a realistic fire-fighting stream. I have no recall as to what my reaction was. I hope I was appropriately grateful, but I may have just accepted it as merely just and overdue.

Both toys are long gone. Did the pedal car end up at the home of a cousin? Whatever became of the little fire engine? Either toy would be a valuable collector’s item today…