Category: Headlines and Ads

It’s not online, unfortunately, but trust me when I say that the front page of USA Today has the sub-head

U.S. Olympic hopefuls face drug accusations

Battle looms to compete

which, I… I don’t know, might just be the best ambiguous headline ever.

Geraldine kicked her ride into gear and rumbled out of the gate, into the Istodrome and its ambient thunder. The others were already circling the floor: Dallas Gator and his two-treadle rig, Jingo Smith on her lean ShuttleMatic, and Sam Scarwood’s weird upside-down contraption. Geraldine shook her head. Unless he got with the times and added a double back-beam, he wasn’t going anywhere.

The announcer’s boom brought her back to the arena. “Your final contestant… the Tartan Trampler… Geraldiiiiine O’Maaallleeey!

Geraldine grinned, checked her trigger action, and shot off a salutatory flare from her Battle Loom’s smokestack. The crowd went wild.

As part of my new dental regimen, I’ve started using Listerine as well. I still think it’s funny that the thrust of Listerine’s marketing is “you can endure our product!”

The new sweepstakes campaign for Coke involves GPS somehow, and the slogan for it is



which evokes disturbing images of Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery.

I was going to write a short story one of these days called “What Ever Happened to Frances Bean?” I guess I still could, but MSN tells me she’s bumming around with Courtney (custody loss notwithstanding).

“‘Sometimes, mommies need to get laid, too,’ explains the embattled entertainer, uttering a phrase that sounds like the title of the most inappropriate kids’ book ever. ‘But mommy,’ replies Frances, ostensibly unprompted, ‘you intimidate men!’ Uh-huh. Anyway, Love is due in court this week to answer to drug and disorderly-conduct charges.”

Just try to guess whether this headline came from the Sports or Society pages. Go on, I dare you.

Campbell, cool in blue, eyes green

(You looked at the URL, didn’t you? You cheater.)

(Um, or you figured out they don’t do Society pages anymore.)