not falling down

I never talked about the Guster show, did I? It was a little strange, because all of a sudden, Guster is a rock band.

This was the third time I’ve seen them, and I never knew that. I don’t think they really knew either. They took a long time off from headlining shows while lots of little Guster fans loaned their Guster CDs out to soon-to-be Guster fans, and when they came back, a) they were suddenly hardcore and b) everybody knew all the words to the songs. They surprised the hell out of everyone, including themselves, and the result was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. And they didn’t even play “Bury Me.” They didn’t have to.

The opening act was this band Blue Merle, the first purported “alt-country” band who seem to actually care about the country part. I always thought I hated most country music, but recently I’ve come to understand that what I hate is Nashville music, and that the country influence isn’t inherently bad.

(I still hate steel guitar, though.)

Anyway, Blue Merle was possibly the most enthusiastic alternative-lite band ever–much, much too happy to be doing what they were doing. This was one of the reasons I liked them so much, the other being that their music is really really good. You can stream the beginning of some of their songs on their (unnecessarily Flashy) site, and I just put up Bens mp3s like a week ago, so I won’t post them now, but be warned! Or, if you live around here, ask to borrow the CD. I’m flexible. I can handle that.

Oh, and they totally signed a broken drumstick (which the drummer threw and for which I dived, and which I snagged, in the process nearly mauling a girl with a broken arm)! I’d cam it, except it’s not really that interesting. It’s basically a broken drumstick with permanent marker on it.

You can’t borrow it, though. That baby goes on my wall.

Back from a whole, whole lot of driving (or, technically, riding). I’ve played cards and doodled and finally bought the third Sandman book and now am trying to think of things to amuse a sinus-infected Audrey. This is not to say that the sinusly infected aren’t easily amused–she’s currently zoning out at the fake wood grain on my desk–but rather that thinking of things to amuse her helps make me feel useful in the face of illness. I hate it when people are sick.

And speaking of that, I should really quit talking about “somebody” and talk about Maria, who was the person about whom I was worried and who turned out fine after all. She goes to Brown and she’s one of my best friends in the world, and now you, true believer, will have a reference for when I mention her.

I can’t do what I’d like to do, of course, and mention her name with a link to her blog, because she doesn’t have a blog. Why do so few of my friends have convenient blogs? Get a blog, Maria!

For the perceived length of this spring break, I really don’t have much other news, except this: dream school Carnegie Mellon said yes to me but no to any kind of financial support, which essentially means saying no to me, as I don’t think I’m legally permitted to Stafford-borrow as much as it would cost to go there. Still, it feels good to know that I could be there, in another life. Maybe there’s another Brendan in potentiality who software engineered himself right through Pittsburgh and into Blizzard after all.

And maybe he got smashed by a pig truck. You know, it really doesn’t do any good to speculate.

She’s fine, it’s okay, things are well again. I’m about to leave with Jon and Amanda for Cincinnati and Louisville andBloomington and Louisville again, and there will be Guster and Lisa’s house and a good time will be had by all.

I’ll be back Friday or Saturday. I’m sorry about the comic, but it will get done sometime this week, I promise. See,you just gotta believe.

Right now there’s a somebody who’s probably fine, probably asleep, probably enjoying her morphine. I think. I don’t know for sure because she’s in no condition to tell me her condition, much less talk to a silly worried somebody like me.

Also right now there are lots and lots of people fighting and marching and breathing grit. Probably dying or killing. Maybe both. As of exactly now, I don’t care. I’d trade all the soldiers in the world to know how she is.

Except, of course, they’re not mine to trade.

I haven’t acknowledged the war yet on this thing, nor have I stated my position on it; I’m not going to start now. I know better than to take a hard line, and I don’t really believe I have anything to add to the general white noise out there. That doesn’t stop me from thinking a lot about my brother, who stuck up for his beliefs and got put on probation for it. Whether our views align is irrelevant. I’m terribly proud of him, and that’s a fact that outweighs opinion.

I wonder for what, and for whom, I would fight.

My fifteen minutes: for seven glorious days, there’s a senior profile of me up on the Centre frontpage. There’s even a picture that makes me look like a monkey! Granted, most of the week it’s up will be our spring break, so there won’t be anybody looking at the front page, but I’ll take what I can get.

I never expected to be profiled, so I figured I had to use the opportunity for subversive webcomic links. How often do you think the Doodle or RtS get linked from college sites? I’m the revolution!

Ben Folds + Ben Kweller + Ben Lee = The Bens! This is the most exciting musical development since I found out that Avril Lavigne could drink herself to an early grave. The Bens just put out an EP, with a full-length album coming soon, I think. Their Australian single (I think) is my new”play it until I annoy the roommates” song; it’s GREAT, and since you can’t buy it in this country yet…

I’m suddenly on Page 4 of the Kamiportal, which I guess means I’ll have to pay more attention to the ol’ IdahoCam© if I don’t want to get left in the dust.

I’ve actually been on another portal for a while, over at Hot Buttered Funk, because I knew the guys who started it from waaay back at the Basement Studios forums. This is only the second time I’ve mentioned it, though. I like Butah and Valrik a lot, and I was grateful to take the occasional hit from the cam pages, but I’ve never felt like a part of the community there. I’m still not entirely integrated with the people at Kami’s site, either–most of them are ex-PvPforumites–but I do know more of them. There are longtime CN forum people there too, so that’s a good time.

Anyway, point is that I probably won’t do the “I’m looking up at So-and-So because we’re being cutesy Brady Bunchers”thing, but if there’s no apparent reason for the way the cam looks on a given day, check there first to see if it’s a… there’s rarely a reason for the way the cam looks anyway, is there? Never mind.

Update 3.20.03 1822 hrs: Edited to reflect the fact that I totally got bumped back two pages. Dang the man!

This is a long, relieved expulsion of breath. I got into UC, and I got in with full tuition.

There’s no stipend or anything, as far as I know, so I’d be working or borrowing heavily–I’m not clear on how using student loans for cost of living works, exactly. UC is also not my top personal choice, but it’s a choice, and it’s a very good choice, departmentwise. It comes recommended from not only Dr. Shannon, but my uncle John, the man who first bribed me (with Monopoly money) to”think about Centre.” And obviously that turned out okay.

I’m still waiting to hear from (in order of likelihood) UK, U of L, IU, UCLA, Carnegie Mellon, and Dartmouth. UW has already said no, if not officially. I think that’s what had me nervous about it–the fact that my first response was declination. It was very easy to believe that they’d just keep coming in.

They didn’t, though. One way or another, I will be in grad school in the fall. It’s nice to have a little ground back under my feet.

There are two reasons I usually need to go running. One, the need for exercise and endorphins and exuberance, has been with me for most of spring term. It’s a good thing, and it’s something I know enough not to indulge when I’ve only had four hours of sleep (as I did for most of this past week).

Earlier tonight I felt the other need, the bad old kind, the fall term kind. It’s not as nice and it’s not rewarding. It is, as it took me a while to realize, a form of self-punishment.

My friends are hurting right now and I don’t know how to fix them. I want to be able to fix anything, but these are human problems with unknown quantities and there’s no easy solution. I know that. But.

This weekend I won one argument: I managed to convince someone that what happened fall term, what made me need to go running, wasn’t her fault. I’m glad of that. I lost another argument: I wanted to visit someone who wouldn’t see me, not because she doesn’t want to, but because she needs time for herself. I don’t mind losing in itself, but I still wish I could talk to her.

I can’t make the cause for the second person’s time alone go away; I can’t fix what’s making the first person want to blame herself; I can’t fix people who are sick and tired, I can’t fix people with misplaced affections, I can’t do much of anything except give of my time.

One of the most important things I learned during my internship, though, is that time isn’t free. My time isn’t free. There’s only so much of it, and I’m more conscious than ever of the fact that I can’t run on four-hour nights indefinitely.

This entry isn’t a question, and it’s not a cry for help. It’s just a monologue. I know people will read this and try to think of ways to help, and that’s beautiful: I hope you know I appreciate it. But I don’t need help yet. I just need to figure out a way to proportion the time I give–to figure out how much is mine to give, and how much is already bought.

That’s one problem I will figure out, I believe. I believe.

Over the hump of the week now, I think. Wow. Coming back from SETC and going straight back into school things was like jumping out of a placid, cozy houseboat right into a sausage grinder (um, underwater). Makeup tests, makeup homework, Cento, road show, consultant meetings, old-computer hauling, more road show–it’s all been a bit ridiculous,and I’ve had fourteen hours of sleep in the last sixty.

Next couple of days are a bit of a breath, thankfully, and then it’s only a week until spring break. It looks as if Jon, Amanda and I are going to roll up to Bloomington to check out IU and maybe do some interviewing, even though Jon most likely won’t end up there–they apparently only give money to PhD students, and Wake Forest is still falling over itself to attach his name to cash for a Master’s.

Also, on the way up we might get to see Guster in Cincinnati! I want to visit people in Louisville, too, and I’m trying to figure out a way to get dropped off and just stay there on our way back from Indiana. Anybody have a room to let? I’m penniless, but I’m a right hard-working scullery boy, I have all my own teeth, and I reckon I can pick out a merry tune on my nose-flute.