{"id":1240,"date":"2003-08-16T11:27:52","date_gmt":"2003-08-16T16:27:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.xorph.com\/creator\/2003\/08\/16\/the-story-of-king-david\/"},"modified":"2008-01-30T00:58:19","modified_gmt":"2008-01-30T05:58:19","slug":"the-story-of-king-david","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/2003\/08\/16\/the-story-of-king-david\/","title":{"rendered":"The Story of King David"},"content":{"rendered":"

Once upon a time there was a king, and his name was David the Flora<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And King David WAS a good king, and his minions, they DIDST love upon him; and David the Flora was well pleased<\/a> with them.<\/p>\n

And his minions did ENJOY his presence; such that at certain times they WERE unable to keep from WRESTING him to the floor<\/a>; and that at others they DIDST pile themselves upon him<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And there was among these minions ONE whose name was Alison.<\/p>\n

And it CAME to pass that on a night in Virginia<\/a>, David Flora DID bring himself unto Alison; and she held in her hand a long, flexible plastic lily, which she HAD stolen from a restaurant.<\/p>\n

And Alison said unto David Flora, in a calm voice: “I’m gonna hit you with this.”<\/a><\/p>\n

And David Flora DID smile, so that his eyes SEEMED almost to disappear.<\/p>\n

And Alison said unto David Flora: “It’s probably gonna hurt.”<\/p>\n

And David Flora SMILED again; for he WAS drunk on whiskey.<\/p>\n

And Alison DID hit him with the flower, which was like unto a whip; and David Flora FELT greatly hurt.<\/p>\n

And Alison DID hit him a second time; and both of these were in the top part of his breast.<\/p>\n

And David Flora WAS in incredible pain<\/a>, and he wept, and he was like unto a woman. And yea, Brendan Adkins did laugh so hard he almost WET himself.<\/p>\n

Lord. That WAS so goddamn funny.<\/p>\n

The End.<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Once upon a time there was a king, and his name was David the Flora. And King David WAS a good king, and his minions, they DIDST love upon him; and David the Flora was well pleased with them. And his minions did ENJOY his presence; such that at certain times they WERE unable to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[79,19,62,108,111],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-david-flora","category-mild-lunacy","category-people","category-rodes-2-group-home","category-setc"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1240"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.xorph.com\/nfd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}