Are you sure you want to delete [name of empty database I was deleting]?You will immediately lose ALL DATA, FOREVER!
ALL DATA, FOREVER! I deleted the interweb!
Category: Mild Lunacy
Signs I was not cut out to be a nerd
- It took me years to parse the difference between “Life Saver” and “lightsaber.”
The mysteries of Halo 2
Now, when you play a game over the interweb against somebody who chose the username “AvengingTBag1,” you have to ask some questions. Is this player’s purpose to avenge a T-bag to which he was once subjected? Is, rather, the T-bag his chosen method of vengeance for some unknown slight? Is he a T-bag personified, with revenge heavy on his mind?
I had a dream the other night that I was running for Prime Minister in Ukraine (yes, Viktor Yuschenko had already been elected; for some reason the PM was like a Vice-President, and had to be elected separately.) I was pretty nervous about this, but I was the only chance that the Westernization-EU movement in Ukraine had, because it was a known secret that the opposing candidate was an evil Soviet type who was going to undo all Yuschenko’s ostensible progress. So I just winged it, not knowing anything about the current issues in the country, or the language, or what I was supposed to be speaking about. I just relied on my natural charisma!
I don’t think I did very well.
Story Hacks: Third in a Series
Most professional writers have a cutesy answer to the common question “where do you get your ideas?” They’ll say things like “I don’t know,” or “stop asking me that,” or “I make them up, okay? I make them up.” Hilarious! But unhelpful nonsense all the same.
While every writer must groom and harvest his or her own individual muse-lines, it’s important to have the old standards as a fallback. That’s right–every writer in the world started out with the same closely guarded set of idea sources! Story Hacks had to break a solemn Writer’s Oath to bring you these, but here they are:
- In the future, put the ideas for things you’ve already written into reverse time capsules. Open them now!
- Eat a bunch of alphabet soup without chewing and throw it up real fast.
- Call (818) 775-3993 and request extension 1013. When someone answers, say “we know the truth, Jaleel,” and hang up. An envelope will be slipped under your door in three to five business days.
- Find a police officer, and hit him until he gives you some good ones!
- Using the ancient art of misanthropomancy, divine your ideas from the entrails of your slaughtered enemies.*
*Note: if short on enemies, try previous method.
Today’s Hack in a Nutshell: Why think when you can follow instructions!
Watch, I’m going to make intellectual property activism cute
Okay, so it depends on your perception of “cute.”
I’m pretty much sold on iPAC now, and I’d send them money if I hadn’t already spent it on tsunamis. Even if you don’t think that’s funny, though, surely you can show respect for the Downhill Soldiers, who actually made good on their promise and sent the RIAA and MPAA 1558 pieces of coal for a belated Christmas present. Wildly pointless as a gesture, but it sent some money toward the good guys listed on the left. I am a sucker for goofy nonsense acts of protest, largely because the coal thing is something I could totally see the DBC pulling off.
Story Hacks: Second in a Series
The most important source of material for a writer is autobiography. After all, if it actually happened to you, it is by definition realistic! Realism is the most important thing in writing.
The trouble is that some people don’t like reading books that are obviously about the author. Fortunately, since such people are pretty dumb, you can throw them off the hook in one easy step. Let’s say it together: “gender swap!”
You didn’t say it!
If you’re male, make your protagonist female. If you’re female, make your protagonist male. If neither of these applies to you, no worries–that just means you’ve got twice as many options!
- Advanced Hint: For a little harmless extra zing, try making your character homosexual. It could conceivably get your stock double-shelved into the Lifestyles section. Plus, you won’t have to do the gender swap again when you recount your old relationships! You should probably put something in about how you always felt different. Consumers love that stuff.
Above all, relax and don’t worry. Nobody will question your sexuality for any of this. Now get in the car.
Today’s Hack in a Nutshell: Men and women are pretty much the same, although whichever one you are is cooler!