not falling down

THINGS NEVER TO DO.

1. Store images in a database without a really good reason.
2. Store them in BLOB fields, rather than MEDIUMBLOBs or even LONGBLOBs.
3. Preconvert them to ASCII, rather than native binary, and ignore that your database is Unicode, and will inflate the images to eight times their size.
   • (Consequence, just so we’re clear: those images you’re storing now get cut off after 1.5 kilobytes, for no readily apparent reason. For comparison, your typical Flickr photo preview is over 50k.)

4. Fail to document any of this.
5. QUIT AND LEAVE ME TO FIX YOUR HORRIBLE HACKWORK.

Blaaah. I’m tired of computers. My hair is 10% whiter after today.

I spent three years working at Trover and bringing my lunch in a plastic bag. These lunches invariably contained sandwiches on whole-wheat bread, and though I went through phases regarding the filling (tuna, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and pickle), I generally came back to slices of turkey, on romaine lettuce or “spring mix,” with mayonnaise.

Now, I started working from home every day nine months ago, leaving me a bit at a loss. The constraints on my lunch (must tolerate refrigeration, must fit into reusable containers, must be edible on a half-hour break) were suddenly removed, but I continued to act as if they were still in place. I put things on a plate and I sliced up the apple.

Then I moved to London and found analogs to the American lunch ingredients, and still kept eating the same lunch. Admittedly, some of this was a comfort-familiarity ritual, but I’m past that now and it’s about time lunch and I started mixing it up.

To wit: this week I bought some French bread, and salami, and a tomato. I have blown my own mind. I am tossed amidst the shattering waves like driftwood in the brainstorms this has unleashed! On the ocean, I guess! In the metaphor!

So salami and turkey taste good together, especially on crusty bread. Would you like me to share with you some of the other revolutionary sandwich innovations/relevations? Innelvations? Revolevinnotrons.

• Using pepperoni instead of salami
• Toasting the bread
• Cutting it in half, for greater ease of gripping
• Cutting it in half diagonally
• Maybe get that lettuce with shredded carrots
• Shit, I know this is crazy
• Just hang on
• We are going into flavor hyperspace

Of course these sandwiches are not as healthy as the more fibrous, less-sausaged original version. There is a price to pay for joy, my friends, and that price is paid in belt loops. I’m never going back. Those who say you can enjoy food and lose weight are chasing a fool’s dream, and anyone who acts like they aren’t is profiting by it.

Yesterday Maria and I looked at the best apartment in the world, and today she applied for the lease; assuming she gets it, we’ll be moving in mid-February, and I will probably just be leaving my stuff in boxes in anticipation of leaving Kentucky. My very, very tentative plans for the move are to buy my brother’s truck for the transportation involved and drive to wherever I’m going sometime between February and April.

For those of you paying attention: yes, this means I’m going to get my driver’s license.

There really isn’t a better time in my life to do this. Everything I need to do my job fits in a backpack, and I can work from any coffee shop in the country. All that’s missing is a destination.

Excluding New York City and the South in general, where should I move? I want to live in a metropolitan area with a healthy tech sector. Also, truck or no truck, I want somewhere with good public transportation. Chicago (sorry, Flora) and St. Louis don’t really interest me; all the places I’ve traditionally talked about are coastal, but it’s not like I surf. Said places:

• Boston: I understand there is neat stuff here, and also they put all the cars underground.
  • Downside: I’ve never been there and I might dislike it for the same reasons I dislike New York (cold, dark, smells bad, cost of living).

• Providence: I’ve been there and I liked it a lot.
  • Downside: Not really a rising-star tech city, and rumor has it the sun sets for six months at a time. Iffy public transit (but highly walkable).

• San Francisco Bay Area: Been there and liked it too. Kind of the standard to which I compare all other potential destinations.
  • Downside: I would be a twentysomething male web developer living in the SF Bay Area. Also, insane rent.

• Seattle: High scores in tech and coffee-shop availability.
  • Downside: See SF Bay Area.

• Portland: Apparently the place where kids move these days.
  • Downside: See Boston.

• Hilo or Honolulu: Ian might be in Hilo in August, plus, y’know, Hawaii.
  • Downside: This is a stupid idea.

• Greensboro or Raleigh-Durham: The model of a rising tech area; driving distance from Jon and Amanda.
  • Downside: Jon and Amanda might be moving, and more importantly, this defeats the whole point of getting out of the South.

• San Diego: I’ve been there and I liked it; solid tech score; not wet, dark or smelly; people can crash my place for Comic Con.
  • Downside: Poor public transit. Would probably be considered outcast for weird skin patterns that emerge when I tan.

• London: I have beautiful illusions of this place.
  • Downside: This isn’t actually a possibility. I’m pretty sure I cannot legally work there, or afford to live there under a weak dollar. Also I’m enjoying those illusions and would dislike having them crushed. Consider all this repeated for Sydney and Toronto.

The pachyderm in the pantry is that except for the unlikely choices (North Carolina, London, possibly Hawaii), I have no friends in any of these places, and I am spectacularly bad at meeting new people. All of my current friends were obtained through academic programs with enforced social contact or Internet. So, friends on Internet: where should I move?

Update 1038 hrs: Maria got the apartment! Who wants to give me driving lessons?

Thanks to everybody who has commented or emailed with advice and information. You guys are the best Internet ever!

Guess who’s a big old jackass! The guy who washes his pants with his paycheck in the pocket. Why, that’s me!

That said, my current system of payment involves my issuing an electronic invoice, their cutting a check a week later, sending that check on a week-long 740-mile journey in a check-shaped envelope with a transparent window, and having me physically carry said check five blocks to the same bank every damn week. You’d think a company that is made of Internet could streamline this process somehow! I’m not denying my own culpability here, but that doesn’t mean I can’t call shenanigans on the system. The McDonald’s next door offers direct deposit, and my last employer required it, and my current employer should at least make it an option.

Update 1337 hrs: Spookily, right after I posted this, my boss called me to say that a) I’m now in the corporate bonus pool, despite being a consultant, and b) I just got a significant raise. All complaints withdrawn! Forever! Probably not forever.

My purchase of a laptop justified itself today when the RAM in my tower exploded and lost me about six hours’ worth of work. Bad RAM! Literally, bad RAM! It would have cost me another day and a half if I didn’t have the little white rectangle on which I’m typing this. Cost-benefit ratio so far is about 9:2. At least it’s tax-deductible.

I didn’t move to New York and I don’t plan on doing so; I’d have more money and some good friends there, but I don’t like the city very much and I’d be unhappy living there. I am still planning on moving, when I have the funds to do so on my own. I continue to work remotely for Indelible, and it’s not like I have to be in Louisville to do that.

Places I’d like to move include the SF Bay area, Portland, Seattle, Boston, Providence, San Diego and the Raleigh-Durham tri-city whatever. These reorder themselves in desirability on an hourly basis.

Meanwhile, here I am in New York on September 11th, having flown up yesterday evening with a cadre of FDNY firefighters and a pilot who looked about ten. (Years old.) I nearly lost my luggage; my cabbie got lost. I’m on an expense account but I won’t get those reimbursements for two weeks, and this morning I walked eight blocks the wrong way. No idea when I’ll be allowed to leave work tonight.

It’s going okay!

If you make nachos with blue corn chips, salsa verde and mozzarella cheese, they will look gross but taste okay.

Not great, though.

Three years after switching to NewsBruiser, I finally have NFD looking like I wanted it to look all this time but was too lazy to figure out the CSS. Me, not it.

I’ve been writing HTML for over ten years and CSS for over six, just because it wasn’t hard to learn and I could do fun stuff with it, and now I find myself in the position of the guy who makes a living off his hobby. Admittedly, so far this has been largely the tedious bits–like if I spent most of my day trying to shake a little broken flange out of an O-scale model train–but compared to my previous job of shaking out, say, crusty ketchup from a broken bottle, it’s aces.

My first day working from home (yesterday) went really well! Except I left Brenna unattended too long, and she ate Halo 2.

Today was the first time I tried my new anti-tendonitis workout plan: swimming at the Y! I never had time to do this when I had to commute, but now I can get up at a reasonable time, swim, shower, eat breakfast and still be ready to work by 8:30. I swam 16 lengths. I don’t think that is very many! Then I kind of wanted to throw up for a while. That’s how you know your workout was good.