not falling down

“For example, there are two categories of people in this world: Us, and pirates.”

I think Kris and Atticus should get together and conquer the world.

“Picking up the smaller, non-functioning trash can in order to put it inside the bigger, working one somehow felt very wrong.”

Audrey is totally meta. And speaking of Lexingtonians, the interweb tells me that U of L just beat UK. I’m frightened. I don’t watch much basketball, but the sheer societal hate-force involved in that matchup is an anthropologist’s dream. UK fans–undefeated this season, playing against their former hero coach–are not going to be happy. They may well just go ahead and set the entire state on fire.

“I didn’t get close enough to this bicycle tire spider to see what it was wearing (I’m not scared of all spiders, just ones who live life on the edge), but I’m assuming it had a flame-patterned skull cap tied around its head over those eight mean eyes, three of which work. It hadn’t woven a middle finger into its web; I checked.”

I twinned Audrey and Stephen. It only seemed right.

Speaking of friendblogs, I only just noticed that my first-year roommate and my friend Lauren were persuaded by the Centre PR department to keep travel journals when they went abroad. I’m pretty sure they’re both in DC (District, not David) now–Lauren living a sitcom, Ben… Ben doing Ben things. They’re both going to be President, possibly at the same time.

Audrey and Drew. It’s all their fault. If not for their meddling influences, I could have gone to the craft store with Maria and (Illinoisan entomologist) Annie and spent a mere $20 on new Microns. Ta da! The end!

Except the aforementioned two have talked lots about inking with metal-nib pens and brushes, respectively, and I saw some of that stuff at Michael’s and got all excited and WHOOPS there goes all the money I had next month.

I’m calling it an “investment.” That makes it okay to shave a little bit off the future-budget for, oh, as long as I’m alive.

Anyway, at least I’ll be trying new art stuff. Expect to see shaky new black-and-white things in the Chalkboard as I get my… ink-legs. I guess.

Now: Kruskal’s algorithm!

“Just imagine squeezing a monkey into a deflated balloon, and then inserting that balloon into another, much bigger balloon, and then filling the space between the two carcasses with strawberry jam. Even though you can’t see its shape anymore, there’s a monkey in there, and it still performs most of the normal monkey functions like picking up pencils and making fun of the teacher; it just has to do so through a load of blubber. That is what I sit by in class.”

Rejoice, ye people, for AUDREY HAS A BLOG!

One year ago tonight she told me she wanted what I wanted: to be together. Or, actually, “together together.” I don’t think she remembers that, because I don’t think she reads this anymore. That’s probably just as well.

It wasn’t true. I understand why it wasn’t and I forgave her a long time ago, but I’ve still spent far too much time wishing I’d had more than a week with her to myself.

She’s going back to school on Friday or Saturday; I won’t see her again before then. She’s got a lot of packing to do. I wanted to see her every day this summer. I saw her about five times.

Most of the stories about girls in my life involve the word “unrequited,” and it has always been to my surprise that this one didn’t. She liked me for a long time–likes me still, I guess. But this one was all about “not enough.”

I’m always surprised by how small she is, when I actually get to touch her. Her waist fits in the crook of one arm. She makes me feel larger than I am, and more clumsy.

For the first time in a year, I won’t see her for over a month. We’ll talk on instant messenger; it’s always been easier that way. That was how she taught me to fall for her, over the course of junior year. That was how she broke up with me, and sent me into a tailspin that only Maria and Audrey were capable of stopping.

A year and four days ago tonight, I kissed her for the first time. An hour ago she kissed me for the last.

Things I Have Made Now:

• Chocolate chip cookies. From scratch.
• Sweet and sour chicken, finally, which turned out unfairly good.
• Real waffles! With our waffle maker!

Actually, all my attempts at cooking so far have turned out really well; I’m just waiting for something horrible to happen, like the time Audrey and I made noodles without boiling water. I guess I could also set the kitchen on fire, which won’t be hard if I keep forgetting to turn the oven off. Remind me to turn the oven off!

Seen atop a TV Guide at Kroger:

KILLER SHARKS...

HEIDI KLUM IN A BIKINI...

WHAT MORE COULD GUYS WANT?

Well, something else in a bikini, for a start. Like a mammal.

Also, there’s an “inspirational” poster in the closest conference room at work that shows a guy running into the sunset; the caption is “The Race for Quality Has No Finish Line.” Aside from being really depressing, that’s inaccurate. Quality software is software that does what it’s designed to do; once you’ve achieved that, well, that’s your finish line.

Audrey came over tonight, which was really neat. I celebrated by repeatedly falling asleep on her while she played piano. Sometimes, I think Danger is my FIRST name.

I mean, I have so many secret projects going on right now–my head equals explodey! I should spend all day tomorrow working on them, but DC and I are going to Danville for Laura Beth’s wedding instead. (Laura Beth is ONE YEAR older than me. Yeee.) I plan to start a canape fight, exactly like the kind I want at my wedding, when I’m too old and fusty to enjoy it.

There’s a way to be roundabout and poetic about this, and I often am, but honestly, fuck that. I broke up with Audrey today. It hurts.

I did it because I was part of something beautiful that was torn apart by time and distance, once, and I won’t be again. Because I’m going away in the fall. Because I have to do the right thing this time. Because I have to believe.

Now it can be segued: speaking of the hat, I asked Audrey what I should name the little embroidered horse on the front. She replied with the following:

Audrey’s List of Name Candidates for the Horse on Your Shiny New Red Hat:

• Hi-Ho Horsey-O

• Razzle B-Dazzle
• Horsey O’Badkins
• Satan
• Buckaroodo Bill
• Buckingham
• Nipple Eater
• Road Apples
• Lucifer
• Tater Sack
• Uvula

  AND…

• The Devil

The horse remains nameless, but the hat in its entirety is now rechristened The Devil. (Although I have to wonder how that would even work.)