I got a new toaster oven this weekend, and I’m a little afraid of it. I am a huge fan of toaster ovens, which are both cuter and more wieldy than your typical harvest-gold Kenmore stove. Also, they actually allow you to SEE if your toast is getting overdone, which is plus ten points. (Why don’t they make toasters with glass sides? [Because the constant fluctuation in temperature would cause them to explode, showering you with glass.] Well still!)
Yet this toaster oven has me awed and a little frightened. My past experience with toaster ovens has been with old, comfy appliances, the kind that can dial all the way up to REDUCE TO CARBON and only achieve a kind of mild browning. My new toaster oven (suggestions on a name, anyone?), though, is a mite more enthusiastic. It’s the young, brash Loose Cannon from the buddy cop movie. It hits dark brown before the dial is even on medium, and I’m too scared to try the darkest setting on anything edible. I bet it could burst into flames.
| Maria: | ACK! Brendan, your toast has burst into flames! |
| Brendan: | Oh no! Crap, get the extinguisher! |
| Maria: | There’s no time! You’re going to have to throw it out the window! |
| Brendan: | Aww MAN! (grabs oven mitts, shoulders aside balcony door and tosses toaster oven off with a smoky plume) |
| Maria: | Where’d it go? |
| Brendan: | I think it– |
| Maria: | BRENDAN! You hit and killed that elderly philanthropist! |
| Toaster Oven: | HA HA HA HU-MANS |
Seriously, I do like it. It makes nachos and pot pies well, and those essential functions will serve it admirably. I was also going to buy this neat little eight-dollar Target waffle-maker; I abandoned the idea since the oven maxed out my toaster budget, but then Maria bought it anyway. This nearly doubles my breakfast-cooking options. If I learn to bake granola, I’ll be a breakfast bandit!
| Maria: | No, toaster oven, don’t! It’s too dangerous! |
| Toaster Oven: | IT IS OVER FOR YOU, BREAKFAST BAN-DIT |
| Brendan: | You’ll never take me alive, buddy coppers! |
| (hail of gunfire, and the smell of burned fingers) |
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