On Star Wars. (This is pretty long.)
First off, now that the lovely-but-flawed Brunchers have once again established that the
None of the Star Wars movies have been critical successes, because none of them have been made forcritics. To expect them to start being so now is deeply stupid. I like movies made for critics; Ilike them, generally, more than I like movies made for the lowest common denominator. But theEpisodes are not Pay It Forward or Gosford Park and can’t be judged by those standards.
They’re adventure movies. They’re made for the same twelve-year-old imagination George Lucas made ANew Hope for, not the same specific twelve-year-olds who have since become thirty-five andwhiny.
Lucas DOES know what he’s doing as a director; what most people perceive as “wooden” acting is, ashe’s repeatedly stated, a very specific style of early-twentieth-century high drama. No, it’s notto everybody’s taste. Would you rather Anakin and company be snowboarding and shouting “Whoa, thatwas FLY?” Would you rather have bullet time? The movies look old-fashioned because old-fashionedlasts better.
In thirty years, people will still be watching Star Wars movies, still picking out cameos, stillwriting about them and their status as flagships of the genre. Meanwhile, Swordfish will pop upin Films That TimeForgot.
You will (or have) enjoyed Episode II exactly as much as you (did) want to. Everyone who says “Oh,I wanted it to be good BUT…” is lying. They wanted to bitch and moan, and in theirdetermination to do so, managed to miss out on a beautiful, lovingly crafted, excitingmovie.
And now, my Grand All-Encompassing Star Wars Conspiracy Theory. (If you are a girl, and you haveever thought I was attractive, please stop reading now.)
The whole prophecy is a lie. Or rather, a misperception.
One of the last Sith Lords before Sidious saw that he (she?) and his kind were on their way out.The Republic was strong; the Jedi were stronger; the Sith were going to be exterminated, at leastfor a while. This conjectural Sith created the prophecy, or planted it, knowing that the Jedi wouldassume it was for them–and knowing that, whenever another Jedi turned to the Dark Side and startedfiguring out secrets, he would understand what it really meant.
To the oblivious Jedi, a prophecy of “bringing balance to the Force” meant peace and harmony. Toany right-minded Sith, such a prophecy would mean restoring their kind and the Jedi to equalpower.
So Palpatine is an extraordinarily gifted youngster–so gifted, in fact, that when he gets to knowa little about the Jedi, he decides he doesn’t want to be one of them and manages to hide hisextraordinary gift. (This is only about half conjecture–something like this HAD to happen.) Hestarts using it to do terrible nasty things, does his extraordinarily gifted homework, and startsdiscovering Sith secrets. At some point, he discovers or is told of the prophecy and perceives itexactly as was intended.
Right around then–say, age twenty–he starts planning how he’s going to become Emperor. He knowsthe Jedi will follow the prophecy blindly. He knows the prophecy requires an immaculate conception.To a man with powerful mind-control abilities, the next step is obvious.
Young Palpatine, Senator in Training, does a lot of traveling. Wherever he stops, he finds youngfertile women, has sex with them sans protection, and then wipes their minds of the whole thing. Atleast one of them gets pregnant–a pretty slave named Shmi Skywalker.
When senatorial responsibilities start to slow things down, he turns his attention to the TradeFederation, creating the conflicts that will set him up in prime dictatorship position. He trainsMaul, and later Tyrannus, sure. Just like the Trade Federation, they look dangerous, but they’resmoke screens for the real threat. Palpatine is waiting for the Jedi to find and train hisson.
They do. He encourages the training, adding in his own flattery, knowing that no son of his will beable to resist the lure of power for long. He has Tyrannus comission the clone army and wipe thewhole planet from the Archives, begins establishing control of the Senate, and uses his power tocloud the prediction powers of the Jedi.
He knows that soon enough, he’ll be dictator. He’ll use the supression of the separatists / rebelsas a focus to pull an Empire together around himself. He’ll destroy the Jedi, with a little helpfrom his Dark Side apprentice, as soon as he’s turned.
“Anakin,” he’ll cackle, “I am your father.”
The driving conflict of the Star Wars movies has, since the beginning, been one of corruption–ofthe son, by the father. This is just one more link in that chain. (No, he and Amidala aren’t twins.Don’t be gross.) Obi-Wan, father surrogate, is replaced by Palpatine, father in fact. Obi-Wancompletes that separation by throwing his apprentice in a pit of molten metal, or whatever, andAnakin goes in, and Darth Vader comes out.
The Jedi die. The Empire starts winning. Palpatine seems to have accounted for everything. Hehasn’t.
Jedi don’t generally deal in common sense–one more thing Palpatine counted on in his rise topower. But there is one Jedi who has some of it, and who understands human nature even though he’snot human.
The one part of Clones that gave me trouble with suspension of disbelief (well, besides thenonexistent Anakin-Amidala age gap) was the assignment of a tempermental, repressed young man toguard a beautiful young woman, alone. Anyone who’s ever read a book or seen a movie would know whatwas coming next–you put those two alone together and they’ll be bonking nasties before the week isout. Wouldn’t ANYONE think that Anakin might feel a LITTLE tempted?
Not if the suggestion came from Yoda. I mean, that guy knows everything. If Master Yoda saysthe kid is good to go, he has to be!
The thing is, Yoda knows what’s going to happen. By the second hour of Clones, he’s put two and twotogether and has assumed that Anakin will turn to the dark. And so, unable to trust his sight intothe future, he puts his trust in biology instead.
He puts the kids together and expects babies–Force babies, whom he’ll be able to train someday tofight the growing power of the Dark Side. He’s right. And what the Jedi and the Rebellion get,eventually, is A New Hope.
I don’t really think GL will have written anything like this, but I DO think there will besurprises in Episode III–in which case anything I put here that’s right, no matter how much iswrong, will make me look like a genius. Meanwhile, it’s fun to work out with other geeks, anddangit, it FITS.
Also I used to write fanfic, but this looks smarter.
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