Okay, okay, I know I’m bad about updating this lately. I stated as much last time.But when my own roommates start complaining, well, there’s only so long I can put it off.
Anyway, if you’re Mom, you may not want to read this.
I have an offer to put out–to bend over the metaphorical table–that you won’t dare to refuse. I’ve spent quite sometime planning for the whole thing, so please excuse me if I get a little long on exposition, but I assure you I’m veryfirm on the facts. Once we’ve rubbed the rough edges off it, I have it on the best authority that this will be aclimactic event, with positively explosive fund-raising potential. The idea is this: I will have sex with HalleBerry.
I admit, when it first came to me I didn’t quite see the charity angle myself. “Brendan,” you may be saying, “I don’tsee the charity angle either!” Give me a moment to elaborate, and all will be clear. The important part is this: I willhave sex with Halle Berry for money. Makes more sense now, doesn’t it? If you’re still in the dark, perhaps thefollowing diagram will elucidate:
I think we’re getting somewhere now. I realize that many charitable projects fall through due to lack of commitment onthe part of the participants, but let me assure you, that will be the least of our worries. I am firmly–no,massively–no, fearsomely committed. I am as deeply committed to banging Ms. Berry as most people are tobreathing. I will pork her softly. I will screw hergently. I will hump her sweetly (but not discreetly!). I will bone her six ways from Sunday. I will boink herevery way but loose.
Ahem.
If I’m following your line of thought correctly, my dear associates, this is where you go “well, that sounds great!There’s just oneproblem: I am associated with a religious organization of some kind that doesn’t approve of premarital sex. What dowe do?”
Way ahead of you, charities! I am so deeply involved with the completion of this project that I am even willing tobecome engaged to and–yes!–marry Ms. Berry. There are rumors that she’s already wed to some other guy, Jon Benet orsomething, but I dismiss them as petty mud-slinging.
I hope my pitch has been as effective as it feels. I honestly believe there’s no shortage of extended opportunitieshere–perhaps other philanthropical organizations could get in on the act by selling commemorative buttons, orrecording the experience and marketing the tapes on prime time cable. The most obvious way to capitalize on the successof “Brendan Has Sex With Halle Berry, Pt. 1,” though, would be sequels–perhaps even a franchise. “Brendan Has Sex WithHalle Berry, Pt. 2,” for example, or “Brendan Has Sex With Jessica Alba,” or even “Halle Berry Has Sex With JessicaAlba” (if such a thing can be imagined).
Well, charities, I think I’ve done my part. The rest is up to you. As soon as you’ve contacted Ms. Berry and okayed thedeal with her, contact me at
It’s about the children.
Permalink Comments off
