not falling down

Running on three hours of sleep. Presentations are done, but Hell Week (-and-a-half) ain’t overyet.

For the first time since Saturday, getting out of bed wasn’t a struggle. When did eight hours ofsleep get to be such a luxury?

Today’s idiotcam, by the way, is a .png (stands for portable networkgraphic, but I insist on thinking of it as a “dot ping”). Couldn’t get the effect I wanted with ajpg. If you can’t see it, get a better browser.

Update 1840 hrs: More junk mail goodness! Given the circumstances of my “objects” rant theother day, the first letter is a mighty tempting offer. I just wonder who exactly did the measuringfor the second one.

Give your average dumb animal (or, even dumber, computer) two objects. Both are locked up in wayssuch that the subject is unable to get at them, but they could probably be unlocked, with enougheffort and time.

Add in a condition such that, while both objects are desirable, they produce different effects.Being around object A makes him smile for hours afterward. Object B makes him nervous and stupidwhile he’s around it, and after it leaves he feels sad and vaguely worthless.

I can give you a pretty good hypothesis about which one he’ll spend more time trying to get to. Butthen, I’d also always thought I was smarter than your average dumb animal.

Tonight I’m playing the bongos, putting together a Theatre History presentation and studying for anevil, evil Calc test. We’ll see whether I live.

I’m so tired ofbeing inspired
only when things slip away

The answer is, of course, that I be me on some Thanksgiving Break. This is one of those “breaks”that doesn’t actually involve me getting a break or anything–before and after stuffingmyself with free-range turkey, I will be putting together Theatre History and Comp Scipresentations (sans all my resources) and writing comix like a demon. I hope. If Ian brings the magic home, it’slikely all out the window.

Speaking of my brother, he and some friends have finally managed to get together a Kentucky chapterof the SCL–of which, he informs me, he issuddenly president. Meanwhile, my sister has conquered the competition to complete the Adkinsdynasty and become freaking president of the Kentucky JCL. My siblings rule.

mic check one two

I could, theoretically, have had a worse day, but it would probably have involved someone runningover my cat. I’m just waiting for a phone call from my mom to bring exactly that news, and thenthings will be perfect (-ly awful).

It has been Volunteer From Hell day and now I am going to a cast party. Lordy lordy I should besleeping.

Meteors tonight.

all this breathing in
never breathing out

There are times when a pedestal is a safety net.

I pine over girls a lot. It’s what I do and I’ve gotten very good at it, and most of the time I’mhappily miserable. It’s not easy admitting this. I want to believe that I don’t settle for lessthan perfect, or something, and that’s why I chase girls I can’t have.

But it’s not, at least not all the time. I’m the same as everyone else who ever put someone on apedestal. It accomplishes two things: it puts her so far above that she becomes a goal instead of aperson, and it frees me from the responsibility of trying for a real relationship.

There is a reason I’m thinking about this, being this honest with myself tonight. It’s one of thoserare situations in which she gives a shit about me back. Circumstances, for the moment, are keepingme safely in “quietly moon over wrong girl” mode–but I don’t know if they will for forever. Andthat’s a deeply frightening thought.

Heartsickness I’ve learned to handle. Real life… I don’t know.

I’m skimming along at the bottom edge of an A in Calculus. This is fairly mind-boggling; not onlydo I hate and fear higher math in general, but I’m beginning to suspect that I’m numericallydyslexic. You’d almost think I’d had the class before.

I’m chalking this up to three things.

1. I have, in fact, had the class before.

2. I’m running regularly for the first time since senior year of high school. I suck and I’m stillfat, but my legs are grudgingly getting used to it and I’m getting faster. What used to be horriblecrippling stiffness the next day has dissolved, more or less, into a comfortable grumbling. A mileand a half (I think) twice a week isn’t much, but it’s something, and I think because of that I’mhandling life better than I would have a few months ago.

   And to think it started because I was pissed at my comp sci professor. Blessings in disguise.

3. I’m doodling–doodling like some kind of mad penman. Last time I went through Calc, Itook notes like it was going out of style, and by midterms the constant assault of math on my brainhad turned me into a sullen lump. This time I’m still taking notes, but sketching out next week’sXorph or playing around with figures in the margin gives me a diversion–itactually helps me pay better attention, and I don’t spend as much time actively hating everything.I filled up my first Calc notebook a couple weeks ago and am through a good portion of my new one.Knowing that about half of each book is doodles, there’s something vaguely satisfying aboutthat.

Hmm… It’s probably more the first one.

New desktop. Thisguy knocks my socks.

sometimes I wish that I was theweather
you’d bring me up in conversation forever

Now if you know me, you probably know a little about my interests–leisure, art, foreign tonguesand sport. Were you inclined to say such things, you could say I’m something of a Renaissance man(although I might, as a result, be inclined to hit you in the mouth). What you may or may not knowis that, lately, I find myself focusing more and more on one development of modern man with anintense–nay, single-minded concentration. That development, of course, is: the butt.

Now, some of my fellow tail-chasers have been known to express as a maxim that bigger is better.I? Not so. Nor do I follow the teachings of those who claim that only an exhaustively toned rear end is worthnotice. I prefer to pursue something more philosophical, you might say–an ideal butt, one from which everyone can benefit. Though Ihave claimed to have spotted a butt with such Platonic qualities in these parts, continued refusalsfrom its owner to allow further appreciationhave, sadly, forced a slow slide in status.

In my quest for this sublime rump, I have defined a number of necessary attributes to eliminateless qualified contenders. Like the bed of a dumptruck, they follow:

• Stage Presence (a preparedness to be put on display)

• Decorum (the correct anti-thong attitude)
• Behavior in company of otherrumps
• Quality of owner’s person

Will the world ever see a derriere with the quality, quantity and quid pro quo to match thesecriteria? In the end, we can only rely on the auspices of natural selection, rappers, finemens’ publications–and hope. Should you know of any particularly apt booty, please sendinformation to our Rapid Response Team and wepromise to investigate immediately.

Ladies:I’m talking to you.

“Mister” Taylor Ross was supposed to visit me today; though I did get to see her at lunch, she andher mysterious twin sister never showed up at the reception. And lo, I was sad. Guess I’ll actuallyhave to email her back now.

Oh, and hi, Kim. Anybody else from Government Sponsored Procreation read thisthing? Drop me a brick.

I love it when people say outright that they “don’t care what other people think.” Of course theydo–they care so much that they have to resort to wearing enormous trench coats or a few dozenpiercings to get other people to pay attention to them. I want to put up pics of a few people whogo to school here as examples, or maybe myself in eighth grade.

In other random brain wanderings, I’ve felt particularly close to my dictionary lately. Yes, I amdeeply nerdish, but it’s also the only tangible thing I’ve ever won. Ah, the fifth grade spellingbee! (I regularly curse the sixth-grade one.)

Sometimes I wish that I was a coldbeer
I’d rest assured that you would hold me near

The line between “friend” and “possibility” is a stupid one and I wish it would go away. Not justfor other people, but for me. I would have one less thing to be stupid about.

I have just earned the award, if there is one, for World’s Laziest Morning. I spent yesterday working fairly hard, admittedly, but a bit too much of it was on *coughcartoonscough*. At least I passed my Calc test. I think.

I was going to update my desktop with delicious new PA donation wallpaper, but either the site is down or the network is (insert derogatory remark). Fooey.

Update 1809 hrs: There we go.

I wouldn’t stand between you.
My deafness screams sometimes.