Recipes for Friends

Last night’s dream February 29, 2008

I woke up this morning crying. Sometimes I have dreams where I cry. I don’t know if I consider them nightmares. I never used to until one time I had one about my mom. They’re usually not scary or bad dreams in themselves, just sad in the end, and always about someone dying or someone who’s already died in my life, and they’re those dreams that seem really real. I guess that’s why when I cry in the dream I wake up with real tears in my eyes. Last night’s dream was about Joe.

It was strange. I was home with my mom, maybe over a Christmas break. And we were at the Richmond Mall. I think we had come out of Hastings and were going into Goody’s. And then there was this man who was walking toward us. It was Joe, but his face was all scarred, like he had been burned and had scars from that. And my mom said, oh there’s Joe. And we walked toward him. Except I was really confused. In my dream, at first I thought it was my mom’s friend Jerry and he just looked like Joe, more bald on top. So I said to my mom, I thought Joe had died, but my mom said no, he was just in the hospital for all the burns. So I was happy, but then I was sad because I didn’t realize he had been alive all this time, and I was scared he was going to die. So we went into Goody’s, and my mom went off with Joe, and I tried to look at stuff but I was crying a lot. I don’t really know why I was crying, except for being scared that Joe would die again, I guess, and in a way he sort of does because I wake up and he’s no longer here.

So then I did wake up. And I hate crying, but in a way I wanted to go back into the dream because Joe was there. These dreams are like that a lot. The person comes back and is alive again, but even though it seems really real, I guess in the back of my head I know it’s a dream, so I know it’s not true. So I don’t want to wake up because I know that in the dream is the closest I’ll ever be to that person again, until Heaven I guess, but I always do wake up, with tears in my eyes.

Don’t let yourself get bogged down in the mediocrity of this institution February 28, 2008

When Dr. Apple said that my freshman year of college, he was talking about G-town, not Oxford. But I think it can be applied in a wider sense, maybe just to the world in general sometimes. I always thought that was a great quote, and was determined to follow it when he said it, but I think maybe I’ve failed. Or at least lately I have.

I was talking to Kyle earlier, and I told him I was tired of trying to be the best at everything. I’ve done that forever, and I just want to allow myself to not study and tell myself it’s okay. If I study a decent amount, I’ll do decently on my exams here. And that should be enough. Then I don’t have to worry about my best not being good enough. If I don’t try my hardest, then I’m safe because with a 2:1 or 2:2, I can still think well if I had tried harder, I might have been able to get a first. But if I try my hardest and still don’t get a first, then I’ll be really disappointed and depressed. Kyle didn’t agree. He said I should try my hardest, and then I can say, well I did my best, and that’s all I can expect of myself. His reasoning sounds better, I guess. And I was writing to Dr. Hadaway, trying to justify myself when that quote from Dr. Apple popped into my head. And I realized maybe Kyle was right. Except now it may be too late. I may have given up my chance of getting a first already because there’s just not enough time to study the amount I would need to to get a first. And maybe it’s too late because I’ve already let myself be bogged down in mediocrity. And I’ve lost my motivation.

So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m capable of studying from 9 am to 9 pm like some kids do here. I feel like other things are more important. I don’t want to stress myself out and make myself sick. I’ve already gotten one degree. I’ll get a degree from Oxford, even if it’s not a first. I need a job. I have loans to pay back. I want to have a normal life where I live in one place for more than 2 months at a time, where I have all my clothes and shoes with me in one place, so I don’t have to keep making the same outfits with my standard 7 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, and 2 pairs of shoes. But maybe that’s not the important stuff. Maybe it is doing well and knowing I’ve put my best foot forward and making sure I don’t regret not trying my hardest. I don’t know. I guess maybe I should stop wasting my time thinking about it and be productive and study. The more I think about it, the more I think Kyle’s right, even though I don’t want him to be.

A Wasted Day February 25, 2008

Today I felt like I did quite a bit, but none of it was academic-related so I feel unproductive. Last night, Ula asked if I could row this morning, and I can never say no to her, so I said I would. So I got up this morning at 5:45, after a terrible night’s sleep because I kept waking up every couple hours thinking I had slept through my alarm. I walked down to the river with Allison, and after everyone else got there, we rowed for about an hour. I haven’t rowed since the beginning of Michaelmas with all novice rowers, when we didn’t do long sets, so I’m in terrible shape. I have been doing yoga, but nothing cardio. And it was cold outside, so my asthma decided to act up. Usually I’m fine with regular outings on the river, just ergs and racing bothers my chest, so I didn’t think about my inhaler or any medicine or anything. But I guess the cold air and being out of shape made my chest tighten up. So that wasn’t fun. And now I’m sore and my butt really hurts from the seat of the boat.

We came back from that and had breakfast. Then I tried to go back to sleep, but even though I was dead tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. So I finally got up. I went to my bank to try to close a savings account that they made me open at the beginning of all my bank stuff. But before I can have just one account instead of the two I have now, I apparently have to put my request in writing. So nothing happened there. Then I went to the boat club bank. Ula had already told me the signatures weren’t changed yet, but I went and had them call to figure out why they weren’t. And on the way, a bird pooped on me. Luckily not my head. I saw it coming as I was stepping forward and tried to pull my foot back, but I wasn’t quick enough so it got my jeans and my shoe. When I got to the bank, I waited on hold for 25 minutes, during which time I started writing a formal letter of complaint to the bank. I won’t go into the details of why things hadn’t changed again because I don’t really understand it, but they said it should be changed in 5 business days, by which they mean next Monday. I asked if I could come in Friday and it would be changed, and he said well you better wait until Monday. It’s not like we’ve been waiting since October or anything. I really hate that bank.

So then I came back and went to lunch and complained about British banks. Then I went to my room and wrote a bunch of e-mails about revision tutorials and other Oxford stuff, and I typed my letter of complaint and my letter saying I want to close my savings account. I finally did a little work around 3 or so. But then I got bored, so I made some potato salad with some potatoes that I had that were going to go bad if I didn’t use them. And I chatted with Jeanne on skype for a bit and talked to my mom on skype. Then I did an hour of work before I had dinner. And now I’m writing in my blog and thinking about doing another hour of work. I should, but I just don’t know if I want to.

We’ll see what happens February 23, 2008

Yesterday morning at 9:45 I sent an e-mail to my thesis supervisor with a draft of my entire thesis. I had read through it as a whole, and it’s 600 words over the 15,000 word-limit, so I’ll probably read through it again this weekend and see if there’s some things I can take out, although hopefully Mark will have some suggestions too. I figured he probably wouldn’t read it over the weekend, but I thought I would send it anyway. Then he wrote back and said his family doesn’t like him “working” on the weekends, but this is more of a hobby so he might get to some of it. I’m just hoping he doesn’t have too many comments, so that I can fix things and still turn it in by the end of term. I really want to be done with it, so I’ll be able to take that time off my schedule and have more time for studying for exams. But now I just have to wait and see.

Also, yesterday I got my collection back. I got a 64, which isn’t bad, but his comments sort of made it seem like it wasn’t great. So I don’t know. He said I had sound argument, but I just didn’t prove it. So now I have more work to do for that class. Although one of his suggestions was to read more, and that’s what I’ve been doing, just reading a book on the Cold War. I have about 200 more pages to read, so I’m aiming to get it done before I leave. This morning I finally finished my book on British politics that I’ve been reading, so there’s one thing I can check off.

So today I’ve got a lot I can do, but I’m going to go down to the river and watch the boys race first. I went down yesterday, and they bumped, but then they didn’t get out of the race lane quickly enough, which wasn’t really their fault, but they got penalized by taking their bump away, so that was sad. Hopefully they’ll bump today. The girls aren’t racing this term, so it’s just the guys to watch. I’m looking forward to Summer Eights again. Hopefully my exams will be done and I can go down and watch everyone. This time I’m just going to be on the sidelines, but I don’t think we could top last year, so it’s okay.

Correction February 20, 2008

Apparently the donation is $2000, not 2000 pounds, but hey, that’s still 1000 pounds that I didn’t expect, and I’ll take what I can get.