England Journal

I woke up this morning crying. Sometimes I have dreams where I cry. I don’t know if I consider them nightmares. I never used to until one time I had one about my mom. They’re usually not scary or bad dreams in themselves, just sad in the end, and always about someone dying or someone who’s already died in my life, and they’re those dreams that seem really real. I guess that’s why when I cry in the dream I wake up with real tears in my eyes. Last night’s dream was about Joe.

It was strange. I was home with my mom, maybe over a Christmas break. And we were at the Richmond Mall. I think we had come out of Hastings and were going into Goody’s. And then there was this man who was walking toward us. It was Joe, but his face was all scarred, like he had been burned and had scars from that. And my mom said, oh there’s Joe. And we walked toward him. Except I was really confused. In my dream, at first I thought it was my mom’s friend Jerry and he just looked like Joe, more bald on top. So I said to my mom, I thought Joe had died, but my mom said no, he was just in the hospital for all the burns. So I was happy, but then I was sad because I didn’t realize he had been alive all this time, and I was scared he was going to die. So we went into Goody’s, and my mom went off with Joe, and I tried to look at stuff but I was crying a lot. I don’t really know why I was crying, except for being scared that Joe would die again, I guess, and in a way he sort of does because I wake up and he’s no longer here.

So then I did wake up. And I hate crying, but in a way I wanted to go back into the dream because Joe was there. These dreams are like that a lot. The person comes back and is alive again, but even though it seems really real, I guess in the back of my head I know it’s a dream, so I know it’s not true. So I don’t want to wake up because I know that in the dream is the closest I’ll ever be to that person again, until Heaven I guess, but I always do wake up, with tears in my eyes.

When Dr. Apple said that my freshman year of college, he was talking about G-town, not Oxford. But I think it can be applied in a wider sense, maybe just to the world in general sometimes. I always thought that was a great quote, and was determined to follow it when he said it, but I think maybe I’ve failed. Or at least lately I have.

I was talking to Kyle earlier, and I told him I was tired of trying to be the best at everything. I’ve done that forever, and I just want to allow myself to not study and tell myself it’s okay. If I study a decent amount, I’ll do decently on my exams here. And that should be enough. Then I don’t have to worry about my best not being good enough. If I don’t try my hardest, then I’m safe because with a 2:1 or 2:2, I can still think well if I had tried harder, I might have been able to get a first. But if I try my hardest and still don’t get a first, then I’ll be really disappointed and depressed. Kyle didn’t agree. He said I should try my hardest, and then I can say, well I did my best, and that’s all I can expect of myself. His reasoning sounds better, I guess. And I was writing to Dr. Hadaway, trying to justify myself when that quote from Dr. Apple popped into my head. And I realized maybe Kyle was right. Except now it may be too late. I may have given up my chance of getting a first already because there’s just not enough time to study the amount I would need to to get a first. And maybe it’s too late because I’ve already let myself be bogged down in mediocrity. And I’ve lost my motivation.

So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m capable of studying from 9 am to 9 pm like some kids do here. I feel like other things are more important. I don’t want to stress myself out and make myself sick. I’ve already gotten one degree. I’ll get a degree from Oxford, even if it’s not a first. I need a job. I have loans to pay back. I want to have a normal life where I live in one place for more than 2 months at a time, where I have all my clothes and shoes with me in one place, so I don’t have to keep making the same outfits with my standard 7 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, and 2 pairs of shoes. But maybe that’s not the important stuff. Maybe it is doing well and knowing I’ve put my best foot forward and making sure I don’t regret not trying my hardest. I don’t know. I guess maybe I should stop wasting my time thinking about it and be productive and study. The more I think about it, the more I think Kyle’s right, even though I don’t want him to be.

Today I felt like I did quite a bit, but none of it was academic-related so I feel unproductive. Last night, Ula asked if I could row this morning, and I can never say no to her, so I said I would. So I got up this morning at 5:45, after a terrible night’s sleep because I kept waking up every couple hours thinking I had slept through my alarm. I walked down to the river with Allison, and after everyone else got there, we rowed for about an hour. I haven’t rowed since the beginning of Michaelmas with all novice rowers, when we didn’t do long sets, so I’m in terrible shape. I have been doing yoga, but nothing cardio. And it was cold outside, so my asthma decided to act up. Usually I’m fine with regular outings on the river, just ergs and racing bothers my chest, so I didn’t think about my inhaler or any medicine or anything. But I guess the cold air and being out of shape made my chest tighten up. So that wasn’t fun. And now I’m sore and my butt really hurts from the seat of the boat.

We came back from that and had breakfast. Then I tried to go back to sleep, but even though I was dead tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. So I finally got up. I went to my bank to try to close a savings account that they made me open at the beginning of all my bank stuff. But before I can have just one account instead of the two I have now, I apparently have to put my request in writing. So nothing happened there. Then I went to the boat club bank. Ula had already told me the signatures weren’t changed yet, but I went and had them call to figure out why they weren’t. And on the way, a bird pooped on me. Luckily not my head. I saw it coming as I was stepping forward and tried to pull my foot back, but I wasn’t quick enough so it got my jeans and my shoe. When I got to the bank, I waited on hold for 25 minutes, during which time I started writing a formal letter of complaint to the bank. I won’t go into the details of why things hadn’t changed again because I don’t really understand it, but they said it should be changed in 5 business days, by which they mean next Monday. I asked if I could come in Friday and it would be changed, and he said well you better wait until Monday. It’s not like we’ve been waiting since October or anything. I really hate that bank.

So then I came back and went to lunch and complained about British banks. Then I went to my room and wrote a bunch of e-mails about revision tutorials and other Oxford stuff, and I typed my letter of complaint and my letter saying I want to close my savings account. I finally did a little work around 3 or so. But then I got bored, so I made some potato salad with some potatoes that I had that were going to go bad if I didn’t use them. And I chatted with Jeanne on skype for a bit and talked to my mom on skype. Then I did an hour of work before I had dinner. And now I’m writing in my blog and thinking about doing another hour of work. I should, but I just don’t know if I want to.

Yesterday morning at 9:45 I sent an e-mail to my thesis supervisor with a draft of my entire thesis. I had read through it as a whole, and it’s 600 words over the 15,000 word-limit, so I’ll probably read through it again this weekend and see if there’s some things I can take out, although hopefully Mark will have some suggestions too. I figured he probably wouldn’t read it over the weekend, but I thought I would send it anyway. Then he wrote back and said his family doesn’t like him “working” on the weekends, but this is more of a hobby so he might get to some of it. I’m just hoping he doesn’t have too many comments, so that I can fix things and still turn it in by the end of term. I really want to be done with it, so I’ll be able to take that time off my schedule and have more time for studying for exams. But now I just have to wait and see.

Also, yesterday I got my collection back. I got a 64, which isn’t bad, but his comments sort of made it seem like it wasn’t great. So I don’t know. He said I had sound argument, but I just didn’t prove it. So now I have more work to do for that class. Although one of his suggestions was to read more, and that’s what I’ve been doing, just reading a book on the Cold War. I have about 200 more pages to read, so I’m aiming to get it done before I leave. This morning I finally finished my book on British politics that I’ve been reading, so there’s one thing I can check off.

So today I’ve got a lot I can do, but I’m going to go down to the river and watch the boys race first. I went down yesterday, and they bumped, but then they didn’t get out of the race lane quickly enough, which wasn’t really their fault, but they got penalized by taking their bump away, so that was sad. Hopefully they’ll bump today. The girls aren’t racing this term, so it’s just the guys to watch. I’m looking forward to Summer Eights again. Hopefully my exams will be done and I can go down and watch everyone. This time I’m just going to be on the sidelines, but I don’t think we could top last year, so it’s okay.

Apparently the donation is $2000, not 2000 pounds, but hey, that’s still 1000 pounds that I didn’t expect, and I’ll take what I can get.

But this one will be shorter. Verity, who is environmental rep at Regent’s and one of my friends, Celia’s flatmate, is looking to see if there is enough interest at Regent’s to order some canvas, reusable bags to use for shopping instead of plastic bags. But they would be personalized with a Regents motto: “This is not a plastic bag; this is a Regent’s bag.” They’re fairly cheap, two different kinds, though we’ll just order one, depending on what most people want. There are hemp ones for 1.79 pounds (go to http://www.supreme-creations.co.uk/medium-jute-shopper.asp to see what they look like), which I like best because they’re cheaper and I think they’re cooler. So far, they’re winning the vote. And there are cotton ones for 2.32/2.52 pounds (free trade cotton http://www.supreme-creations.co.uk/fair2.asp for them). So I don’t know yet which ones we will order, and we’ll only get the motto if we have 200 or more orders. So this might not be a possibility. But I think it’s a really cool idea, and good for the environment.

So why I’m telling people who read my blog this is that I thought they would be a good souvenir if anybody wanted one. They won’t say Oxford, but they will say Regent’s, my college, and you’ll have reason to brag on me whenever you use it. Haha. If we do order them, I’ll probably get a few as gifts, but if anybody would definitely want one, I could add that to the number I tell Verity that I want. So if you would be interested (less than $4 for the hemp ones and around $5 for the cotton ones), you should e-mail me. Then I can tell Verity I want more, and hopefully we’ll be closer to getting the 200 minimum. So I know this sounds like a sales pitch, but I do just think it’s a cool idea (I’ve decided I’m going to become more environmentally conscious recently) and a fairly cheap souvenir from England. But people e-mail me (caitlan.adkins@gmail.com) if you would be interested.

Okay, so I know money isn’t the most important thing in the world, and I know luck doesn’t really exist. Maybe I should have said blessed or something. But two things happened recently that are going to make budgeting the rest of my pounds much easier. First, Friday night, we had the final fling launch party, where they tell what the theme of the final fling (our spring dance type thing) will be. It’s Antiquity, Greek and Roman. I could totally make an awesome toga. Lots of practice in JCL. But at the launch party, they had a prize draw if you bought your ticket that night. Third prize was a 10 pound gift card for some company I had never heard of, possibly music. Second prize was a bottle of champagne, which I think tastes bad. So I probably would have given both those prizes away had I gotten them. And it wouldn’t really have been worth it for me to buy the ticket this early. But the first prize was a full refund of the cost of the ticket, which the ticket costs 45 pounds, or $90. So I decided, I know I’m going to go because everyone goes, and that’s just how it is. So I might as well buy it. Doubtful that I’ll win, but a small chance. But guess what? I know you already know from how I started off this story, but I won! First prize, so I don’t have to pay for final fling. Yay!! 45 pounds that I get to keep.

Then today, I got a check for the remainder of my loan checks after they had paid a second third of my fees. But I never get a receipt from Regents, so I e-mailed the finance woman, who is very nice, and asked her what I would owe next term so I could budget and for a copy of my original invoice. And she wrote me back quite quickly, and gave me the total of 4,363 pounds plus battels, which will be about 950 pounds. Which was a few hundred pounds less than I thought it would be, so that was nice. And then she said, however, she was expecting two 1000 pound payments from Americans for Oxford to contribute to my balance. So really it should be 2,363 pounds plus battels once she gets those checks. Crazy! So I wrote and asked what Americans for Oxford is, and she said it’s an organization that basically facilitates donations to Oxford from Americans, sometimes to an individual. However, she didn’t know if she was allowed to tell me who was sending the money for me. So apparently I got another anonymous donation. Last year I got one too. And in a way, I hate anonymous donations because I can’t say thank you to the person who sent them. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting the donation. I just wish I could show my gratitude. So I doubt the person who sent those reads my blog, but if you do, I truly appreciate your generosity. You don’t know how excited that makes me and lifts some of my debt burden off my shoulders. Now I don’t have to be quite as strict with my money, though as my mom said, I probably will still be cheap because it’s just in my nature. And hopefully I’ll be able to pay some of my loan back with my leftover loan money as soon as I’m done here.

I was getting sort of worried that I was going to have no money by the end of this, because when making my estimates I round up, and I was thinking I might owe over 6,000 pounds next term. So apparently I suck at estimating, and now I’m very relieved that I will be able to pay for the bus to the airport to get home in June.

So I’ve been getting tired of pasta lately. So all I would want to eat would be lettuce, maybe some toast, and sometimes popcorn. While I know lettuce is healthy, I don’t think I was getting enough energy from it. So I would eat pasta anyway. I do get into lettuce phases I’ve decided. After my senior year of high school, all I would eat were salads and vegetarian subway subs, with lettuce and all the vegetables. But that’s when I started losing weight, and now I know if I lose weight, people worry about me. I think I had another lettuce phase in college, and I guess I’ve been getting back into it lately. But now I’ve found something else I can eat, that is fairly cheap, and maybe even fairly healthy, and will fill me up like pasta: rice.

I’ve never been a huge fan of rice, except Chinese fried rice, until I had Indian food. And I decided I love Basmati rice. So when I went to the grocery, I decided to get some Basmati, and then I thought I need something to put on it. So since my favorite part of Indian meals is the sauces, I decided to get some of that. There were tikka masala and korma sauces on sale, so I got a jar each of those. And I made rice for lunch with the tikka masala sauce. And it was great. My new favorite meal. I also had a spring roll with it (I had gotten 4 on sale the other day). Then in the evening, I thought, Indian restaurants have potatoes sometimes in their meals. And I’ve been getting tired of my plain baked potatoes with butter. So I chopped up a potato, fried it a little, and then put some tikka masala sauce on it for a side dish with a sandwich. It was also really good. So now I have two more meals to add to my staple foods. Makes me happy.

Oh, and on a side note, Janet and Jerome have their little girl. They’re still in Guatemala at a hotel. They chose the name, Juliana Molina Dixon. I can’t wait to see her!

A lot of things happening this February. Jerome and Janet’s baby girl is coming home. They leave tomorrow and come back the 20th. I’ve been applying for jobs. Crazy that I’ll actually have a real, full-time job soon. Or at least I hope I will. I put my resume on monster.com, submitted it to Humana and Mercer Consulting, as well as sending it to some contacts I got from a man at the career center at UofL’s Business School. I got a couple e-mails from monster, but they were both from insurance agencies, and probably all commission-based. I got an e-mail back from two of the companies I e-mailed, and I talked to a man at the Office of the Comptroller of Currency in Louisville. So we’ll see about all that.

Then today, I talked to Alex, and she asked if I would be one of her bridesmaids, which of course, I said yes. So that’s very exciting. And I realized it’s lots of birthdays this month. Happy belated birthday to Melissa and Kyle! And Happy early birthday to my mom! And Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone!

This Lent is really testing my Lenten promises. I decided to give up cookies and chocolate (I technically said chocolates, but I decided to just to do all things with chocolate now). And of course, on Ash Wednesday and Fridays I can’t eat meat. Well on Wednesday, I had a big meal with all the people of the year I came in with. It’s their mid-degree meal, marking half-way through their degrees. It’s not my halfway, but it wasn’t my halfway last year either. So I got invited to two mid-degree meals, and went to both, neither of which marked my mid-degree. But anyway, I decided I would fast on Wednesday (which I don’t normally do) because I wasn’t sure what would be at the restaurant in terms of vegetarian options. So I thought if I had to eat meat, at least I would have fasted all day. Apparently, what I thought was fasting is not the Catholic definition of fasting, which allows you to eat one normal-sized meal and two small meals. I just didn’t eat anything until dinner. And not eating always gives me a headache. So I endured that, and then I had salmon instead of the steak I wanted for dinner. And I had some sort of cake instead of the chocolate mousse I wanted.

So that was Wednesday. Then yesterday, formal hall was Chinese food, which the meat option looked really good. Strips of beef in a black bean sauce (sort of reminded me of beef and broccoli without the broccoli) and fried rice. But I had the vegetarian, which was quorn in a black bean sauce. Quorn turned out to be something like tofu, so it was actually pretty good. But before I got my meal, I really wanted some of that meat. Then tonight, we’re having a girls movie night, and they’re spending all their money on buying chocolates to eat. Which of course means I’ll be tempted but can’t have any. I guess I’ll bring something of my own to eat.

So I’ve had to resist temptation when it comes to food quite a bit, considering I’ve only had three days of Lent so far. But I guess it’s good for me. On Wednesday, I also went to Confession, the first I’ve gone in a few years, and I finally confessed my stealing of candy when I was 6. I assume most of you who read this know that story, so I won’t tell it. But I finally told a priest, and I think he chuckled a bit and he said something like, “well it’s good to tell those things we did as children, sometimes they affect us quite a bit.” So yay, I overcame a fear too.