KK’s Blog

I finally fell asleep last night, though not until 11:45, my usual time. But I’m feeling much better this morning, less worried. It was just a weird night.

I was going to go to bed early tonight. I’ve been exhausted all day for some reason. I had planned on doing some job stuff, sending off resumes or something this evening, because Kyle has plans so I won’t be talking to him. But then I just didn’t feel like it. I’ve been feeling sort of weird all day, which is contributing to me writing this entry, which will probably be weird and possibly depressing. So if you don’t want to continue reading about my worries, you should probably stop here. Today I’ve felt weak with a slight headache, and I’ve been really homesick and nervous. So I thought I’d just get a lot of sleep and that would take care of it. But then I got in bed at 8:30, and I haven’t been able to fall asleep.

I started wondering why I’ve been feeling weird. I wonder if something is wrong with me or if something bad has happened at home and that’s why I feel nervous. It’s not like I would be able to subconsciously know that, but I still worry about it. In my head, I reason out that there’s no reason to worry, and even if there was, there would be nothing I could do about it so I might as well not think about it. But I can’t stop it. So then my mind won’t shut off, and I can’t fall asleep.

I was talking to my mom over the break about my irrational worrying (whenever I come back to England, I’m always afraid that something will happen to my mom or Kyle while I’m gone), and she said she didn’t used to worry. It wasn’t until my dad got sick, and something really bad happened in her life that she realized bad things could happen to her. And I guess I’ve grown up knowing that bad things can happen, so I’ve always had a tendency to worry more than the average person because in some ways I’ve had my worst fears realized when I was quite young, although my worrying has gotten worse or maybe just been renewed since Joe died. I’ve survived it, and because of it, I know I can survive pretty much anything emotionally. I’m stronger because of it, but sometimes I just wish I could go back to being naive and thinking that bad things only happen to other people. But I can’t. Every time I get on a plane, rather than think it’s fun and exciting I pray until we get into the air and start praying again as soon as we start our descent. When I tried to fall asleep tonight, I thought about Joe and wondered if there are people out there who have sleep apnea and don’t know it. I always keep myself signed onto skype and gmail in case anybody needs to get a hold of me, and I get really mad when our internet quits working because then I’m unavailable.

I don’t know why I’m writing all this here. I guess I thought maybe if I wrote it down, I could stop thinking about it and finally fall asleep. But I probably won’t. I’ll keep worrying until I stop feeling nervous or until I’ve gotten through the night and know that nothing bad has happened. I know I’m blessed in many ways, and a lot of people are a lot worse off than me. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and not get upset over things that haven’t happened. But sometimes my irrational thoughts win out over my rational ones. I don’t know how to control it. And when that happens, it totally sucks.

I just sent an e-mail to my thesis supervisor with a draft of my entire thesis as well as a new chapter, which consists mostly of charts and graphs with a bunch of data. I’m not really sure what to do with the data, other than put it into scatter plots, but hopefully he’ll be able to give me some insight with that. I kept pushing back my deadline of when I was going to get this e-mail to him because everything always takes longer than I anticipate when it comes to this thesis. First it was Friday, then it was Sunday, then it was this morning, and it finally got to him this afternoon. I’ve worked six hours today on that thing. I haven’t left the flat once. I was in my pajamas until noon, at which time I changed into sweats because I had to go out to the kitchen to make lunch. I took a short break for lunch, and then worked until I got it done. And now I’m rewarding myself with writing in my blog.

I haven’t written in a while, and some pretty crazy things have happened. Last week, after the first couple days, I had a complete lack of motivation to do anything. Tuesday I was in a foul mood because I had a tutorial with guys who don’t talk to me. And then a JCR meeting, during which I worked on my thesis the entire time. Thursday, Jeanne (Georgetown girl) and I went to get tickets to Beauty and the Beast on Ice, not Disney on ice, more of a ballet with music by an Italian composer and done by the Russian Ice Stars. Although afterward, I did really want to watch the Disney movie. We went to that on Sunday. It was really good, except for the fact that they didn’t turn out all the lights in the theater, and one of the lights that stayed on was right above us. We asked about it, but they just said we could move, and all the other seats weren’t in the center, so we stayed. It was almost an acrobatic show as well as skating. They grabbed onto ropes and swung around above the ice, had fire, did flips, all kinds of stuff. I can’t really describe it, but I did take some illegal pictures, so I’ll have to put those up on flickr at some point.

But before that, on Friday night, formal hall was Burns Night, which is a Scottish celebration of a poet, Burns. They had haggis, which is a bunch of gross meat (intestines and stuff) all wrapped up in cow stomach, I think. I tried it (didn’t taste as terrible as it sounds), but mostly stuck to the vegetarian option (which was more nutty), and mainly ate the mashed potatoes. There were bagpipes and speeches and reading of poems. It was a lot of fun. Then afterward, we had a Ceilidh, which is basically Scottish square dancing. There’s a caller, and you try to do what he tells you, if you can understand his accent. I danced from like 9:30 until 11. My first partner was an old man named Peter. Then I danced with Jeanne for quite a while. And last, I danced with Allison (another Georgetown girl). And on like the last move, I twisted my ankle, which I had planned on that being my last dance anyway, so it worked out well. I also apparently pulled a muscle in the back of my leg, maybe at the same time, and kicked the back of my foot, making it bleed, which I didn’t notice until I got back up to my room.

But it was a lot of fun. I acted crazy like I haven’t done in a while, and the Georgetown guy who is here (who was trying to get me to drink all night) thought I was drunk. When I told him I hadn’t had anything to drink, he said that’s even worse since I was acting like that. But I just said, hey at least I’ll remember the fun I’m having. I didn’t say it in a mean way, though. We were joking around, but I don’t think he understood that I just don’t like to drink much. And apparently I don’t need alcohol in my system to make me make a fool of myself and have fun doing it.

So anyway, those were my two big events of the week. Now I have to decide if I’m going to do more work or take the rest of the evening off. Or maybe even send my resume out to some people. Oh the wonderful options I have.

On Sunday, Celia came over after church for lunch, and we managed to move this table/desk from my flat’s common room to my bedroom. And it fits. It makes things a little more crowded in here. But now I have somewhere to write more easily. And I can feel more productive. And I can move it behind my bed, so I still have enough room to do yoga, or the same amount of room I had before.

I’ve been doing pretty well at sticking to my schedule, although today, I had a brief detour in trying to get my plane tickets shipped to the right address. My mom actually did most of the calling, but I kept having to call her back and give her more information. First, who only issues paper tickets anymore? Second, the person who left a message on my cell phone to tell me that I needed a new address to ship to gave me the wrong number to call back. Third, even though the ticket is issued to my name and paid with my credit card, because it was bought while signed into Kyle’s Orbitz account, they wouldn’t let my mom change the shipping address the first time. But it finally worked.

Then I was reading through international economics. I feel like I really need to study this stuff because I didn’t do very well on the collection, but as I read the textbook chapters, I really feel like I’ve learned these models a million times. So there’s just something I’m not getting. So I e-mailed Dr. Cooper, my econ prof from G-town (a lot of abbreviations there), and asked him for help. We’ll see if he has time. I also got a package from Kyle today of some notes that I left in his car. I thought they were these really important notes for my thesis, so I told him I needed them as quickly as possible, after scanning them didn’t work because of the pencil they were written in. So he spent a bunch to get them to me over the weekend. So I get them, and the notes I’m looking for aren’t there. I went into panic mode for a bit, until I looked through my other notes and found that I had had the really important ones with me all along. I needed the other ones, just not as rushed as I thought. So this evening I worked on my thesis. I had forgotten how long it takes to just revise things on it. I’m so ready to be done with this thing. Sometimes I think it wasn’t worth it, but at the end, I’ll have a good piece of work, and be really happy that I only have 7 exams instead of 8. At the end of my day, Kyle and I were talking on the phone trying to make my graphs look pretty, and I got an e-mail about revision classes for my economics of industry course. But that’s the one I did really well on in the collection, so I really don’t feel like doing it. But I guess I will. You can never have too much preparation, right?

So I was doing this yoga routine last night. It’s from this podcast I get, and it was yoga for hangovers, which I doubt I’ll ever need that. But the girl says it’s good for just plain old headaches too, which I do get those a lot. And I had a bit of one last night. So I took an advil, took a bath, and still sort of had it, so I decided to try this routine. I don’t remember if it made it go away, but I guess it made me stop thinking about it. At one point, the girl says, I know this sounds crazy but doing a headstand can actually help. So I’ve tried sort of to do headstands before, but I’ve always gotten too scared that I would come crashing down, and just given up. But last night, I was against a wall, and I actually got to the point where my back was touching the wall. So then I just had to lift my legs up, which you can’t just kick because you’ll hit the wall and probably bounce off. So I did it slowly and got up. I was so excited that I was actually able to do it. So I held it for a little while, and I was leaning against the wall quite a bit, but I came back down without crashing. So now I have more confidence that if I get my abs strong enough, I’ll eventually do it without the wall. And maybe even start handstands at some point. I used to do headstands and handstands with no problem when I was in gymnastics, but that was like 15 years ago, when I was a whole lot shorter with a whole lot less body to hold up. So I just thought I would get excited about it on my blog. I also did almost 6 hours of studying on a Saturday. I was impressed with myself to resist the temptation to say, it’s Saturday, I can take a break, which I didn’t do my full day of work, but I did quite a bit. So yesterday was a good day.

I was actually really productive today. I did 7 1/2 hours of work. I’m starting to keep track of the amount of time I spend on each subject, so at the end of it all, I can see on paper how much work I’ve done, and maybe it will calm me before I go into exams. I can think, I’ve spent this many hours on this subject. Surely I know something about it, right? I set myself up a schedule in iCal to use my time more efficiently. Then I don’t have to decide what to do next, and I built in breaks. I should spend about 5 hours a week on each subject that I’ll have an exam in, as well as on my thesis. I work for 3 hours in the morning, take a break for lunch, work 2-3 hours on another subject, do yoga for a break, work 2-3 hours on another subject, and eat dinner. Then I’m taking the rest of the evening off, and I’m taking Sundays off, unless there’s something that I have to turn in that I need to catch up on, but hopefully there won’t be. I might actually enjoy revision now that I have a plan. It’s still schoolwork, but each time period, I’m working toward something, even if it’s just the break that I’ll get when I’m done.

So I had convinced myself that I wasn’t coming home in the spring because I need to study, and I’m not very good at studying at home. So I was going to apply for a vacation grant to stay at Regents, and in the week that they’re closed, I would stay with somebody. Well I just talked to David, and apparently, the longest vacation grant I can get is for 2 weeks, and they might be taking that option away. So it would cost over $1000 even with the vacation grant for two of the weeks, and that’s not including food. So I know I’ll spend money on food and gas if I come home, but I’d rather spend the money and be there. And also, it will be quite lonely if I’m over here and nobody else is around. Not that I’m that social, but still. And then I looked online and found some pretty cheap flights, at least compared with what I’d seen earlier. So I thought I’d actually be away from home for more than three months, but it looks like that isn’t happening, unless something changes again. And I may even be home for Easter!

I didn’t do much work today, although I did do some yoga. I found out my econ revision, at least one of them, won’t be starting until 2nd week. I’m guessing my other econ won’t be starting until then either. I left all my thesis notes in a notebook in the backseat of Kyle’s car, so I need those to remind me of what else I have to do there. And I still don’t have any tutors for revision in politics. So I checked out books. Lots of books on all my papers. And tomorrow I plan to read, take notes (after I’ve gotten my notebooks that I left in Ula’s room), and make flashcards. That’s all I can think to do right now. I’ve always been a self-studier anyway, though, so it should be okay.

But one exciting thing was that when I looked up books, Regents actually had quite a few of them. I got more from Regents than I did from the SSL. And I would have gotten two more, but two were already checked out from Regents. Okay, so I probably shouldn’t get that excited about a library having books I need. But Regents’ economics section has been rapidly growing since the 3 books it started out with when I first came over. And their check-outs are longer, so I don’t have to renew for a long time. Yay!

I’ve been here a few days, but tonight will be the first night I’m actually at Regent’s. I’ve been staying with Sarah and avoiding moving back into college. Actually on Friday I unpacked, but then I still went back to Sarah’s to watch a movie last night and stayed over. Now I’m sitting in my room wondering what to do. Jet lag is still not allowing me to get tired very early. I don’t have regular tutorials, so I don’t have any assignments. I haven’t heard from any of my tutors about revision yet, so I’m waiting on that. I worked some on my thesis today, but didn’t have the motivation to do much. I have a cold, so I’m using the excuse that I’m sort of sick to not do anything.

Last night, when I went to Sarah’s it was raining. I took the bus, but I still had to walk to the bus stop, so I wore my new wellies from my mom. They are pink and quite bright. And then I had on my big white winter coat with the hood up. So I felt quite bright compared to other people in dark winter coats. I used to like to stand out, but now I find that I always try to blend in. I don’t know if I’ve always really been this way, but in high school I had such a desire to not be in my brothers’ shadows that I made myself more outgoing, or if it just came on as I got older. In some ways, I still want to stand out, but I don’t have the guts to. Sometimes I still do. Last night, I considered putting my black boots on instead, but I decided I wanted to wear my pink boots, and people could stare at me if they wanted. Probably nobody noticed. I still have the desire to be unique, but I think it high school it helped that I had Sarah Chamberlain as a friend, and we stood out together. I could always count on Sarah to tell me that she liked my outfit, even if nobody else did, or to be wearing something just as funky. So I’m going to wear my pink boots during the rainy season this year. Other people wear wellies a lot, so it’s not that crazy. But I think a lot of people who know me here wouldn’t expect me to wear them. College tamed my fashion sense, though usually in England I wear American styles and stick out while in America I wear English styles and stick out. Okay this is way too much talking about clothes. But I was just thinking a lot about that as I was walking in the rain to the bus stop. Then I sat in the front of the bus where no seat was in front of me, so everyone could see my pink boots as they got on. Maybe the brightness brought cheer to someone’s rainy day. And maybe they’ll keep me more happy through the dismal weather of this term.

I am safely back in England as of today, though last night I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be. My first flight, we had to “beat the storm out,” as there were tornado warnings coming. It was a very bumpy ride, and my seat had been moved to the one right next to the bathroom. At one point, my butt came out of my seat. I know that happens on roller coaster rides a lot to me, I’m not a big person, but still didn’t expect it from a plane ride. But we made it to Cincinnati. And then I got food, and headed to my gate. We boarded an hour after we were supposed to take off, and we took off an hour after that. So I expected to leave at 8:40, and I didn’t leave until 10:40. I’m just glad I decided to get dinner beforehand. Since I had done that, I just went to sleep immediately. They gave us little packages with an eye mask, ear plugs, toothbrush, and headphones, all apparently made out of recyclable stuff, or at least the packaging was, so I covered my eyes and plugged my ears, and I was good. The plane was completely full, which was a little disappointing because my last couple flights, I’ve had seats to myself. Once we finally took off, it was smooth flying. We got in this morning to the North Terminal, which I normally fly into the South Terminal. But passport control wasn’t too long, so that was nice. The coach to Oxford was crowded. The bus driver even had to leave some people there because he couldn’t fit their luggage in. But I made it on. Got to Regent’s, and borrowed a key from Emmeline to put some of my stuff in the flat. Then I walked to Sarah’s, where I’m staying a couple days before I move into Regents.

And that’s where I am now. I was actually sort of looking forward to coming back over this time. I don’t know if it’s because I like it and miss it or because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hated saying goodbye to my mom and to Kyle. But once I got over here, it was familiar again. Sometimes I wonder which place feels more like home lately. I’m actually more stable once I get to England because I’m living in the same room for two months. But of course, now that I’m starting to get used to it, I’ll be done soon. I’m still looking forward to that.

Now I’m just worrying about collections and wondering if I should come home in March. In some ways I really want to come home, but in others I think it would be better to stay here and study. And Dana, Kyle’s mom, made a good point that it might just be easier not to have to say goodbye again because that’s the worst part each time I leave. Then that would mean that this was the last time I would have to leave Kyle and my mom for a long period. But I also don’t get the time in between. I’ll talk to David Harper and see which option is cheaper. Since Kyle is coming over in March, it wouldn’t be so bad. So we’ll see. All you people who read this, I may not see you for six months. Crazy stuff. Of course, I might just chicken out, and come home anyway. Oh the excitement of big decisions of my life that you get to read about in my blog.