KK’s Blog

Today has not been the most productive day in terms of my tutorials. I had planned on writing my essay this morning and then going to the library to use a confined book this afternoon for research on my thesis. However, I got a call from Ula asking if I could row with some novices this afternoon, and when I looked at my essay I realized I had read the question wrong and had done the reading taking notes on the differences between “detente” and “containment” rather than between “peaceful coexistence” and “containment” (Cold War stuff). So I started skimming back through my reading for peaceful coexistence. I know basically what it is, but I’m not sure I can get an essay out of it. So instead of writing my essay, I registered with Oxford’s Career Services and did this thing online to help me decide what I should do. Lots of options, although they are all English job titles and not American ones.

After finishing that, I went to lunch and got to see Sarah, which was fun. She’s been in the US, and she said she loves how we have “themes” for everything, and she bought lots of fall themed stuff for their house, so if I feel homesick I can just go there. I started walking to the Career Services center, then realized it was farther than I thought, and turned around. Rowing was more fun today. It was a novice crew with Nicola and me as the experienced rowers and Ray coxing. And we ran into another Regent’s guy who graduated so he helped Ula coach us. And I did have fun, and I think I will miss it some. But I have fun at the beginning of the term, when it’s just rowing at a slower rate and not worrying about racing. So I think I’m still okay with my decision not to row because I don’t want the nerves of competition. I’ll just sit on the sidelines and cheer. But I do sort of still want to live near water and get my own little boat to take out when I get older. That would be fun.

Well I finished my reading for next week’s tutorial today. I thought I could get it finished yesterday, but I’m apparently a really slow reader. However, I am liking the pattern I’ve been setting up for myself. Since I only have one tutorial as of now, I can take more time and try to get things organized. So I get up in the morning, work until lunch, have lunch, work until dinner, have dinner, and then just relax. So my evenings are stress-free. Hopefully it will stay this way. I’m hoping to write my essay tomorrow so I can turn it in Friday, and then tomorrow afternoon I have rowing with some novices, may be going to Sarah’s, and I’ll try to do some work on my thesis. Then Friday is thesis work as well as the weekend, though I’ll probably take Sunday off again. Much nicer schedule right now. I just hope I can keep it up.

Okay, now I have gotten through everything so I’m not stressing so much that I don’t have time to write in here. Hopefully from here on out, I’ll be less stressed this term. A lot has been happening, but I’ll try to be short. Friday, I took both my collections. The first one went pretty well I think. As for the second one, I’ll just say that I’m pretty sure this will be the first time I’ve done better on the first collection I took and I hope I pass. Then I went to formal hall and saw all my friends, and lots of people complimented my hair. I got it cut, if you didn’t know. Went to the bop for a little bit, and I actually got dressed up. I met the one girl from Georgetown who I didn’t know yet, and I think we’re going to get along. Ashley said I would like her. She sort of reminds me of Ashley, so that’s cool.

Saturday, I went rowing, and I have to say I’m okay with not doing that this year. What was supposed to be a half-hour to an hour outing turned into three hours. But that’s okay. I went to library after that and worked there until a little before it closed. Then I came back to my flat and conquered procrastination for the time being by taking advantage of my jet lag and staying up until 1:30 a.m. to finish my essay rather than going to bed and trying to finish it the morning and stressing more about it. It wasn’t my best work, but with the time constraint, I was satisfied. So Sunday, Celia and I took my essay by Nuffield to turn it in before church and then went to church together. Then we had some lunch and watched the first episode of Heroes. Then I really took Sunday as my day of rest. I was a complete bum and did absolutely nothing but watch youtube, read The Message, talk to Kyle and my mom, and eat.

So finally to today. I got up this morning and walked over to Main to take a shower because we don’t have a shower in our flat, just a bath. There’s apparently not enough water pressure way up on the fourth floor or wherever we are. But I’m okay with that. The flat is pretty nice. My room is pretty tiny, and I’m still not sure I shouldn’t have roomed with Ula in another “less nice” flat after seeing Celia’s. But it’s apparently really noisy over there, so I guess it’s better that I’ll be here with all third years when exam time comes. I read some more for my tutorial today, and then walked to Sarah’s to meet a girl I’ve never met to pick up some books so they weren’t late. Then I walked back to the library, read some more, turned in the old books, and checked out new books. My tutorial wasn’t too bad. I’ve could have done better, but I learned a lot. I’m still not a huge fan of my tutor (the same guy I had for International Relations), but he knows his stuff and I know he’ll prepare me well and I think it will be better this term with it just him and me one-on-one because he and Taylor really didn’t get along when it was two-on-one. As a treat to myself for getting through all this stuff in a few days, I went to Borders and got a chai tea latte from Starbucks. Then I found a book called Asian Hot and Spicy for only a pound, which turned out to be 90 pence with my student discount. So now I can cook Asian when I come home, or at least try. I stayed there and read magazines for a while, and then came back here to eat dinner. All in all a pretty good and productive day. So I’m still missing people like crazy and sort of don’t want to be here, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get through it if I just take it one week at a time. I’m doing pretty well. Kyle said all my entries lately have been depressing, so hopefully this one isn’t.

Well I’m here, back in Oxford, wishing I weren’t here, but here nonetheless. Good flight, not much sleep, but I’m safe. And I haven’t eaten yet, so I’m going to go buy some food. And after I get through this weekend, I’ll write in here again.

Each time before I leave for Oxford, I get really stressed out and really sad about leaving Kyle and my mom. Every time I cry at the airport. And I know in my head that it will be fine once I get over there. I’ll see my friends. I’ll get through my collections. I’ll get my essays written and go through the torture of the first tutorial. But my head just doesn’t control my emotions. I get sick to my stomach a lot and don’t want to eat. And the more I stress, the more I procrastinate, which makes me stress more and it’s just a circle I can’t get out of. In my head, I know if I just sit and do the work, then I’ll be done with it and I won’t get stressed out. But then I think about how much I have to do and I just get overwhelmed, so I do things like write in my blog, watch youtube, get on facebook, and sleep. I don’t understand myself.

So right now, I don’t want to go back to England. I’m going to be so happy when I don’t have to pack for two months at a time every six weeks. I can’t wait for June, but at the same time I want it to be far away so I’ll be prepared for exams. And I want to keep having adventures because there’s a serious possibility that my life will become extremely boring when I’m not forced to fly to England three times a year. Unlike Ian, who volunteers himself to take a train to California, and Brendan, who will be moving soon as well, I want a stable life for a while, which might send me into a boring routine like how I was at Georgetown. I want to not have debt before I start traveling again, and that’s not going to be a reality for a long time. So I have to think of something else to make my life exciting. And let’s just face it, I’m not that exciting of a person when I just sit around and watch TV and read and crochet. I’m already an old woman. Okay, this entry is really weird, and I’m considering deleting it. Another one about me being worried about my life. But I put time into writing it instead of going to through old essay questions for my collections, so I might as well put it up to show how I was using my time.