I’ve been avoiding writing in here
I try really hard to be an optimist. And I think I’m pretty good at it. I’ve always been sort of happy-go-lucky, most of the time. But this term has been trying really hard to make me a pessimist. And I don’t like writing in here about depressing things, but lately that’s what occupies my mind. And each time, I get over a disappointment, it seems like another one comes along. I’m definitely not rowing in torpids. Got the e-mail last night. I had gotten a response from Hannah earlier that said I might still be rowing depending on how the others did in the outings, but since I couldn’t come on Tuesday, she wanted to try the novices out. So in some ways, it almost seems like since I couldn’t go on Tuesday, that pretty much kicked me out. But I’ve told her a million times I have a tutorial then. I could go out later or earlier, but they just kept scheduling stuff then. And it also seems like they didn’t even give me a chance on the river. They just looked at erg times, I guess. But I feel like I do better out on the river, but I never even got the chance. And it’s not even that much that I don’t get to compete. I don’t really like the races, but I do like being out on the river, and I won’t get to do that anymore this term. But it’s more that it’s just embarrassing. I went from being pretty good to being one of the worst. And one of the main things I talk about concerning Oxford is rowing, and now I can’t because I’m not really on the team.
Ula came by my room yesterday afternoon after rowing and said she was wondering why I wasn’t out there, and I just had to tell her that they didn’t put me on the list, that they didn’t want me. She tried to make me feel better, said it was all just pain. She does have some pretty bad blisters. Then we decided to go on a walk, went to University Parks. It’s crazy because it’s so green and there are flowers blooming and everything. It was really pretty. So I told Ula I would still come and cheer them on. Just because I’m upset doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give my friends support. So I’ll be there, even if it is embarrassing. And that’s enough about rowing, no more entries on it besides mentioning if we won or lost.
So quick update on the rest of my life. Went to the MCR meeting and saw Sarah and told her about my bad days. We’re going to her house for a pasta dinner Friday, and she said I should just stay over, which I had thought about asking her, so I’m going to do that, maybe stay all day Saturday too. I just need to get away from Regent’s for a bit. It’s sort of stifling sometimes. I also had my politics tutorial Tuesday, and it went okay, except one time when I tried to use an example and it turned out to be completely wrong. I decided I’m going to turn my frustrations into doing really well on my last politics essay, so I still have a chance of getting a good, or at least decent, report.
Yesterday, I got up early and went to Mass and got ashes, though you could barely see them, but I didn’t wash them off. I decided my Lenten promise is going to be that I’m not going to snack. I might change it, but I’ve had trouble deciding on something that can apply to my life here and my life at home. I could do a two-parter, I guess. I talked to Dr. Hadaway at lunch, and then went to my econ tutorial after my walk with Ula. My presentation started out a little rough, but I think it was okay by the end. I also finally got my collections back for politics last term, and did even worse than econ. Got a 54, which is still a 2:2, but not very good. Hopefully I’ll do better next term. I fell asleep really early last night. I’ve been so tired lately. I just want to sleep all the time. Then time will pass by faster and I can be home sooner. Now today I’m going to work all day on politics, econ tomorrow, and then stay at Sarah’s for the weekend and have a little relaxation, I hope.