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BLACKOUT
BRENDAN ADKINS
ROSEMARY and POSTEN are at their
dressing room tables on opposite sides
of the stage; both are applying makeup,
and POSTEN is on a cellphone. The tone
is fairly frantic, as stagehands AMARA
and JORY scurry on and off the stage.
Dialogue overlaps.
ROSEMARY
Where are my shoes? Where is my phone?
AMARA
Check your table. (exits)
POSTEN (PHONE)
Listen, sweetie, you know I would have loved to go with you.
ROSEMARY
You would think my shoes would be somewhere around my
costume.
POSTEN (PHONE)
No, I love the Botanical Gardens!
ROSEMARY
It mystifies me that they're not.
POSTEN (PHONE)
But it's only a three-day break, and then we have to be in
Toronto--
JORY enters with headset microphones,
which he sets on each table and
proceeds to check batteries.
ROSEMARY
And did anyone ever chew out Brandon?
JORY
What for?
POSTEN (PHONE)
No, the understudy is for when I get fired.
ROSEMARY
Little prick thinks the follow spot is a toy!
POSTEN (PHONE)
No, I'm not trying to get fired.
JORY
You're not actually supposed to be in the spot all the time.
ROSEMARY
I wonder if I can possibly be the only one who notices that I
have no shoes. (to JORY) Hey, I like those pants on you.
POSTEN (PHONE)
I'm sorry, I can't--it must be the storm--
ROSEMARY
(wickedly) I'd like them better on my floor in the morning!
JORY ignores her, exits. SFX: low
thunder.
POSTEN (PHONE)
Right, but I couldn't afford the tickets. You know we're
trying to put something away for next summer.
ROSEMARY
(loudly) What does a girl have to do to get laid around
here? And where are my fucking shoes?
POSTEN (PHONE)
No, sweetheart, it's just Rosemary.
AMARA
(entering) You put the slippers in with your powder. The
red platforms are being touched up because you kicked a door
in with them. The pumps are on the shelf in front of the
bottle nobody is supposed to know about.
POSTEN (PHONE)
She says you're supposed to eat what?
ROSEMARY
It's bad luck to put shoes on a shelf! And what about the
stilettos?
AMARA
Joseph still has them.
ROSEMARY
Joseph?
POSTEN (PHONE)
Fish make you fat?
AMARA
He gave you twenty bucks to borrow them, remember? (exits)
POSTEN (PHONE)
No! No, I didn't even mention the word "fat!"
ROSEMARY
(pointing at POSTEN) You! You have my phone!
POSTEN (PHONE)
Sweetie, I gotta go, I don't even have my eyeliner on yet--
ROSEMARY
Give me my phone right now!
POSTEN (PHONE)
I love you too, I'll see you--
JORY enters as ROSEMARY grabs the phone
from POSTEN, hangs up and tosses it
into a trash can.
ROSEMARY
(sweet, sarcastic) First you steal my phone, then you drool
on it?
JORY
(casually) That was actually my phone. (exits)
POSTEN
It's all right. By now we expect you to be unbalanced.
ROSEMARY
I hate you! (calling offstage) Sorry! I--I like your
pants?
JORY (O.S.)
You already used that line.
AMARA
(jogging through) Five minutes to places! Has anyone seen
Brandon? (exits)
POSTEN
(calling off) I think Jory gave him Rosemary's bottle.
ROSEMARY
MACBETH MACBETH MACBETH!
There is a shocked pause.
POSTEN
Hey now--
ROSEMARY
Our spot operator is missing, I'm in a dressing room with
you, and our stage manager is getting his perverted kicks by
wearing the shoes I need for my first scene. Everything bad
that could possibly happen tonight has happened!
SFX: Loud thunder. The lights,
predictably, flicker and die. Sound
fades. Stage is black.
ROSEMARY
This is not my fault.
POSTEN
(singsong) Rosemary's in trooo - uble.
ROSEMARY
Posten, I swear to God--
POSTEN
Come on, you know the rules. You never ever say the M-word
in a theater.
ROSEMARY
Bite me. Do you have a flashlight?
POSTEN
You are in so much trouble.
ROSEMARY
Posten!
POSTEN
All right, here-- (fumbles through a drawer) Try this. I
think there's a button on the end.
ROSEMARY
Okay, I-- (there is a hissing sound, and ROSEMARY shrieks)
POSTEN!
POSTEN
What?
ROSEMARY
This is Cool Whip!
AMARA and JORY enter with flashlights.
AMARA
All right, nobody panic. It's an old building. We got hit
by lightning and they're trying to find new fuses.
POSTEN
Are we still going on?
AMARA plays her flashlight over
ROSEMARY, revealing that her costume is
covered in white fluff.
AMARA
Obviously not all of us.
ROSEMARY
This is his fault!
POSTEN
I'm not the one who--
JORY
Shut up before I pinch your heads shut. We can't wash the
costume yet, unless there's a creek handy, but go ahead and
change anyway.
ROSEMARY
All our street clothes are out in the bus!
AMARA
I've got some spare blacks you can borrow. Come on, there's
a battery lamp in the sound booth.
ROSEMARY
Okay, just a second. Jory! Duck!
JORY
(ducking) Rose, don't even--
Before he can finish, ROSEMARY sprays
POSTEN thoroughly with the can.
ROSEMARY
(contritely) Oops.
ROSEMARY tosses the can to POSTEN, and
she and AMARA exit.
JORY
I, uh, don't really have anything in your size.
POSTEN
I'll take care of it. You have good reflexes.
JORY
West Point. You shouldn't mess with her head that way.
POSTEN
I'm not the one who gets her bad pickup lines.
JORY
Hey, that's not her fault. Ain't a woman alive can resist
this fine booty.
Transition: The flashlight goes out,
and JORY and AMARA push the makeup
tables offstage. After a quick change,
POSTEN enters, carrying a small
phosphorescent lantern and dressed in
black clothes with a white scarf. He
sits on the edge of the stage. After a
moment, ROSEMARY calls out softly.
ROSEMARY (O.S.)
Posten? (enters cautiously) What are you doing? And where
is everyone?
POSTEN
They're out in the lobby, watching the storm. I'm trying to
calm the ghosts.
ROSEMARY
(exasperated) There's no ghost. You took my lamp.
POSTEN
Every theater has ghosts, even if it has to invent some. You
pissed them off when you said... Scottish play.
ROSEMARY
Oh, honestly. You'd think actors were superstitious.
POSTEN
Besides, this building is ancient. First proscenium stage
west of the Appalachians. It's probably got dozens of
ghosts.
ROSEMARY
(pulling off his scarf) Ghosts only walk on payday.
POSTEN
White scarves ward off bad luck. Sardou wore a white scarf
and never had a flop.
ROSEMARY
Do you know what Dorothy Parker said to Uta Hagen on her
opening night?
POSTEN
What's that?
ROSEMARY
Where'd you get the clothes?
POSTEN
That's not a very good joke.
ROSEMARY
No, I'm changing the subject. Where did you get the black
clothes?
POSTEN
(laughs softly) You really don't remember.
ROSEMARY
What?
POSTEN
Until two weeks ago I was on road crew.
ROSEMARY
Are you serious? (pause) Wow. I always wondered where they
dug you up.
POSTEN
Then Jason quit, and Dirk set himself on fire... I was
making coffee, and Joseph runs in and says "Can you act? I
don't care. Go to the costume shop and get fitted. I hope
you know the lines."
ROSEMARY
You were the coffee boy?
POSTEN
I prefer the term "refreshment engineer."
ROSEMARY
No! His name was Simon. I remember that.
POSTEN
I had to pick a stage name. There was already a Simon Rydell
in Actors' Equity.
ROSEMARY
So you picked Posten? Is that even a name?
POSTEN
The full name on the card is Postmodern Simon Rydell.
ROSEMARY
"Postmodern?" You don't look like a novelist.
POSTEN
Nobody really gets postmodernism. Especially novelists.
ROSEMARY
What does that mean?
POSTEN
(long pause) It was April. I was--fourteen?--and my brother
Drew was eight. And it's April, and he decides he wants to
have a snowball fight. (pause; smiles)
So Drew goes with my mom, the next time she goes shopping,
and sneaks a couple things into her cart. We used to get
candy that way, she never pays attention... And a couple
nights later, we're all in the kitchen, and Drew charges in
in his coat and toboggan, and attacks us with a can of Cool
Whip in each hand. It wasn't even a good fight, because none
of us had any ammo. It smelled awful. Have you ever smelled
warm Cool Whip?
ROSEMARY
Just recently, yes.
POSTEN
We got ants everywhere. Mom was furious. But my dad... My
dad couldn't stop laughing. He said they were postmodern
snowballs. That the medium didn't matter as long as it
carried the intent. (pause)
Drew wanted snowballs because the doctors said he wouldn't
get to see another winter. They told him that. He was
eight, and they...
They were wrong. He lived until February. There were only a
couple real snows that year, and everybody brought him
snowballs to throw at them. The nurses hated us, because
they had to mop up.
ROSEMARY
And that's why you carry around a can of Cool Whip. Wow.
POSTEN
What?
ROSEMARY
Listen, babe... I'm sorry about your brother, but hello!
Paging Spielberg! This man's got a story!
POSTEN
You don't get it either.
ROSEMARY
A heartbreaking work of staggering genius!
POSTEN
Just drop out of character for once, Rose. Can you do that?
Do you even know how?
ROSEMARY
I'm not in character.
POSTEN
Yes you are. Nobody real is that sarcastic.
ROSEMARY
I'm not in character!
POSTEN
You can't even admit that you still resent me for turning you
down.
ROSEMARY
(pause) Fuck. You.
POSTEN
I'm sorry, Rose. The hottest actress in the company calls
the new male lead and whispers her room number and he doesn't
show up... I can imagine it stung.
ROSEMARY
Don't flatter yourself.
POSTEN
But you don't even know why. That's what really gets to you.
ROSEMARY
Because of your... whoever that is. "Sweetheart, dear
heart." Drooling on the phone every night. Girlfriend?
Boyfriend?
POSTEN
Daughter. I'm divorced.
ROSEMARY
(pause) Then why?
POSTEN
Because I know your characters better than you. And I don't
sleep with people I've never met.
ROSEMARY
You wouldn't know character if it bit you.
POSTEN
You've been acting so long you've forgotten how to not do it.
ROSEMARY
God, could you be any more trite?
POSTEN
There's a difference between trite and truth.
ROSEMARY
And of course you know what it is.
POSTEN
Truth stings.
ROSEMARY
You think you get to me, you little shit? Don't flatter
yourself!
POSTEN
I do get to you, Rosemary. And you already used that line.
(starts off) I'm going to find Amara. Keep the lamp.
ROSEMARY
(before POSTEN exits) Sarah.
POSTEN
What?
ROSEMARY
Rosemary McCall is an Equity name. My... real... name is
Sarah Howard.
POSTEN laughs quietly.
ROSEMARY
What?
POSTEN
That's the most generic name I've ever heard.
ROSEMARY
(starting to laugh too) God. I know. I wanted so much to
get a new one. I thought it'd make the world more
interesting. I know, I know, you've heard it before.
POSTEN
No. You're not getting it again.
ROSEMARY
Do you honestly think you know everything?
POSTEN
Cheap self-awareness isn't anything. People think
postmodernism is about catching yourself on the way down.
But that's a half-assed way to write, a half-assed way to
live, and nobody ever got behind a half-assed movement.
ROSEMARY
Then what is it about? Snowball fights with Cool Whip?
POSTEN
The medium doesn't matter.
ROSEMARY
Did I tell you what Dorothy Parker said to Uta Hagen on her
opening night?
POSTEN
No.
ROSEMARY
"A hand on your opening, and may your parts grow larger."
Laughter. AMARA enters with
flashlight.
AMARA
If you two are done giggling, they've got candles down in the
dressing rooms. If the power's not back in half an hour
they're postponing the show.
POSTEN
There goes our break.
AMARA
You weren't going to use it anyway. You should come
downstairs. (grins) Jory's got a bottle, and he says he's
getting together an all-male revue.
ROSEMARY
Tasty!
AMARA
(shaking her head) Damn, but that man has some fine booty.
(exits)
POSTEN
We should go downstairs. They're not going to find the
fuses.
ROSEMARY
How do you know?
POSTEN
First I want to know how you got us put in the same dressing
room.
ROSEMARY
I have connections.
POSTEN
So do I.
ROSEMARY
You set this up?
POSTEN
I knew it was going to storm, so I got Brandon to break a
couple fuses and hide the others. It was just a bonus that
you said Mac--that you stirred up the ghosts.
ROSEMARY
I knew it was your fault!
POSTEN
I needed some time. Besides, some things are easier to do in
black.
ROSEMARY
Some things are easier to do out of costume.
POSTEN
Some things are meant to be done on stage.
ROSEMARY
Some things are meant to be done in the dark.
Pause. POSTEN reaches over and
switches off the lantern.
Blackout.
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"Blackout" is © 2001 Brendan Adkins.